It’s All My Fault!


canadian iglooIt’s all my fault.

Not the fault of the many who removed their snow tires, or put away their shovels, but my fault that it’s snowing in Toronto on April 4th.

And for that, I’m sorry.

You see we have family just south of the border in The United States of Donald Trump, and for what seems like the past couple of weeks, that area has been pounded by snow.

Snow.

I know, crazy, eh?

Since it is my long-lasting belief that most Americans believe that north of the boarder Canada is always covered in snow, I mockingly sent a Facebook message to said relatives telling them that they needed to move to Toronto, not the Southern US because it was plus 8 here and we hadn’t seen snow in quite a while.

I mean really…

Spring weather in Toronto.

Snow in the US…

In April.

 

Clearly Trump saw my message and commended Mother Nature to sick light snow flakes on the City along with 90 km/h winds.

 

Heck… I’ll take the little bit of snow and I’m okay that Americans generally think we live in igloos in exchange for not having to arm our school teachers with guns, and not electing incompetent leaders…

Wait.

Disregard the leader comment, and let’s stick with no guns!

Brrrrrr.

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Tuesday Newsday: The End of the World is Near…


The end of the world is near, and I’m not referring to the threats coming from North Korea and their “Rocketman”.

Okay, I am referring to this… somewhat.

I couldn’t help but notice today as I sat down to write about doctors declaring that sports drinks and energy drinks are bad for kids, or to vent about the weather, that the top 2 trending topics WORLDWIDE were these;

  1. Donald Trump
  2. Kylie Jenner

Seriously.

Trump I get…. He’s taunted North Korea, told the NFL owners that their players should be fired for bowing during the national anthem, and tells lots of stories daily, which may or may not be true.

But Kylie Jenner?

WTF!

All of this because she may, or may not be pregnant.

I mean, who cares.

Every time I turn on my computer and the news comes up there are pictures of this girl with a bump, without a bump… Have we not always been told that you cannot be half pregnant?!?

I just don’t see the fascination in these people and their lives.  What started with a sex tape and a naturally large / maybe surgically enhanced ass has become the daily obsession of millions of people.

Kylie might be pregnant.

Kim has 2 kids and bought them ice cream.

Bruce is no longer Bruce.

The other one… the tall one is married to a NBA player, then he flips out, then he almost dies, then they’re back together, then she loses weight, then he almost dies, then they’re back together.  Wait, she’s out clubbing again…

Doesn’t even get me started about the other sister who has 3 kids, but divorced her husband because he’s an adulterer – oops, sorry – addicted to sex.  Now he’s with a girl who could be his daughter…. UGH.

Breaking news!  Kim farted!!!

Maybe the Kardashians and Donald Trump were sent to us as a test.  A test of our patience, our morals and our compassion for others.

If we can survive them, we can do ANYTHING!

 

PS Saudi Arabia is going to allow woman to drive… in 2017.  How ass-backwards is that!

 

Daddy… What Does Everyone Hate Donald Trump?


My 7-year-old daughter asked me this question in the car the other day;

“Daddy, why does everyone hate Donald Trump?”

Seeking an age appropriate response, I paused then said, “Because he is disrespectful to women.”

My daughter then replied; “Oh, so he’s like Miles in my class. He’s disrespectful to us. He calls all the girls monkeys.”

“Ummm… Yup.”

Thursday 13 – 13 Things You WILL Be Talking About Today.


It’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure to compile such a list, but here are the 13 Things you WILL be talking about today (and tomorrow, etc)

  1. You know you’re a Dad when… Breakfast on my way to a meeting this morning was: a handful of stale pretzels, a handful of peanuts, a Clementine orange and a container of 1-day-old cucumber slices.

  2. Not busy enough on Twitter, US President Donald Trump is stirring up the debate on abortion with his fellow males.  Donald, in less that 140 characters, I want to tell you this, “Stay out of my uterus!”

  3. Scientists – and I love me some science – are going to make tomatoes taste delicious again!  YAY.  For those of you who have been reading The Urban Daddy for a long-time, you will remember that I love gardening and my favourite thing to grow… Tomatoes!  http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/scientists-make-tomatoes-great-again-1.3953185

  4. The “Doomsday clock” has moved to 11:58pm for the first time since like 1954.  This means nothing to me, to be honest, and I didn’t even like the cartoon Doonsbury, so there!

5. GM is cutting 800 Canadian jobs and moving them to Mexico… Damn.  I hope Trump doesn’t hear that.  In retaliation, Canada has agreed to build a wall between Canada and Mexico.  Damn you capitalism!!!

6. I don’t know where you live, but here in Toronto where we need road tolls to keep the 905’ers out (see wall building), we have pot holes the size of, well, Mexico.  One such pot hole cost my wife her front tire and rim.  Damn you Mexico!

  1. Mary Tyler Moore passed away, and after being reacquainted with her show recently I came to realize that her TV feminism was inspiring and much needed.  She will be missed.

  2. The Toronto Maple Leafs do not stink… Am I dead???

9. I read somewhere that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s mother had met the Donald (see President Trump earlier) back in the 70’s.  I thought the writer was trying to convince us that Donald Trump was his father, and when I told this to someone, they said, “Trump?  No.  Castro, yes!  They even look alike!!”  What?!?

  1. New expression in The Urban Daddy dictionary; “Playing your trump card”  Means saying whatever it takes to get what you want.  Truth, lies, half-truths… whatever!

  2. Trumpanomics.  Putting America first.  Hopefully Canada second. Could change direction at a moments Tweet and may or may not be accurate or true… Nobody knows…

  3. 2 hours before turning over reigns of the US to Trump, Former President Obama sent $221 million dollars to the Palestinian authority.  It would be a shame if that money was not used to build infrastructure and was used by the “leadership” to acquire weapons, build tunnels or for their pockets.  If you want your own state, start acting like responsible leaders and put your people first!  As for Obama… Not cool!

  4. One week of President Trump and here is what we know:  Torture good, Mexico bad.  Jobs good, jobs from tourists in Islamic countries bad. Woman bad. Free Trade bad. The Apprentice good. Climate change – fake.  Vaccinations – fake.

  5. (It’s my Trump calculations…) Tim Horton’s is opening up in… Gulp… Mexico.  Don’t tell Trump.  He’ll kick the coffee company out of the US.  Or, those in the southern US will need a really long straw to sip those yummy Timmy’s beverages.

My Favourite Time of Year: Top US and Canadian Google Searches for 2016.


This is my favourite time of the year, where all of the year-end lists begin rolling in.  Below you will find the top 10 US Google searches, and what is likely the top 10 Canadian Google searches.  Enjoy, and please do not hesitate to comment.

Google’s top trending searches of 2016 (US).

  1. Powerball – The lottery handed out $1.6 billion dollars in prizes in January 2016 alone.
  2. Pokemon Go – either for tips or to read stories of people who walked into holes, or traffic while playing this game
  3. Rio 2016 – Olympics were a popular search item because of many sub-stories such as the polution in Rio, the Russian athletes being banned for doping or bad sportsmanship on behalf an Egyptian “athlete” who was kicked out of the games for refusing to shake hands with his Israeli opponent.
  4. Election 2016 – US presidential election had so many sub-stories including everything Donald Trump and everything Hilary Clinton and the email scandal. The CIA got involved as did the Russians and Anthony(s) Weiner all played part.
  5. David Bowie who died in January.
  6. Prince, who died in April.
  7. Hurricane Matthew, which barrelled through the Caribbean and made landfall in the US in October.
  8. Brad Pitt was Google’s top trending actor searched in 2016 for “abusing” his child on an airplane while intoxicated and then being divorced from Angelina Jolie.
  9. Prince Harry’s girlfriend, Megan Markle, trended most among actresses as the American actress currently residing in Toronto as hounded by paparazzi forcing the Prince to step in and berate those in the media who are harassing her.
  10. Beyonce topped musical searches, and her song “Formation” was the top trending song in Google searches for 2016

 

 

Canadian 2016 Top Trending searches must have included the following;

  1. Justin Trudeau
  2. Justin Trudeau’s hair
  3. Justin Trudeau is so cute
  4. Justin Trudeau is so pretty
  5. Justin Trudeau stylish
  6. Who is Justin Trudeau
  7. Gord Downy
  8. Tragically Hip
  9. Kathleen Wynne is killing Ontario
  10. Which JT is cuter, Justin Timberlake or Justin Trudeau