Wordless Wednesday


El Gotic – Barcelona

 

People in Wheelchairs and people who need the lift, go to the right.
Men and women without legs, please go downstairs.
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Toilet Humour from a 2-Year-Old


Berries
Berries (Photo credit: SeanMcTex)

My 2-year-old daughter Berry has quite the personality and being the third child, she seems to have picked up the seriousness of Stewie, and the goofiness of Linus.  This was her conversation with a member of this urban family today when she whipped open the bathroom door and found them on the toilet.

Berry: “Are you peeing and pooing?”

Anon “Yes, can’t you tell?”

Berry: “The poo is stinky but the pee is okay.  It’s fun.”

Anon: “It’s fun?”

Berry: “You can play with pee, but you cannot play with poo.  It’s yucky.  You can make eyes with pee, and smile with pee and play with pee.  Put a hat on pee and take pee to the park.”

Anon: “You cannot play with pee, you cannot take pee to the park and you certainly cannot put a hat on pee.  On a pea, maybe, but not on pee.”

Berry: “SILLY!  Yes you can.”

Upon overhearing this conversation, I think I need to investigate this further.  I’m glad she knows you don’t play with poo, however I’m not sure if someone has been telling her it’s okay to play with pee or if she’s just showing her toilet humour.

Crazy kids!

Thursday Thirteen – Men’s Washroom Edition


Urinal
Urinal (Photo credit: Ron Knox 2001)

Today’s Thursday Thirteen is an instant classic that you will want to re-post and share with your friends and family as it covers 13 types of men found in a men’s washroom which I have observed over my 20 plus years of office life.

So gather your friends and family members, lock away the children and be prepared to laugh so hard you’ll pee you pants.

Here we go!

13. The Talker – The talker is the kind of guy you come across in a men’s washroom who has started a conversation on his way to the washroom and continues it while walking into the washroom, even if he goes into a stall – which ladies, is big issue for men.  The talker will continue the conversation while he does his business and actually expects you to stick around and partake and not be wierded out by what is happening.  Ladies, let me tell you, in a men’s washroom if the stall is occupied, men get the hell out as quick as possible before they hear or smell anything.  Talking from beyond the stall… So not cool.

12. The Peeker – Gentlemen, you know these types of guys.  They’re a little odd, or a little curious and you know if there is an opportunity to sneak a peek, they’ll be the ones that do it.  Sometimes even though they know it’s wrong, they’ll throw a look while you’re talking to them or looking at them.  They can’t help themselves.  It’s competition to see what they’ve got and what you’ve got.  The peeker will never comment but it is very awkward and from that point on, the peeker pees alone!

11. The Grunter – Ahhh, the grunter… This is the guy who holds in his stuff for so long that by the time he gets to a stall he REALLY has to go and you know it.  There is grunting, moaning and the odd, “Oh yeah” with pauses for appropriate sound effects.  The grunter gets so caught up into his own bathroom experience that he forgets there are dudes on the other side of the stall cringing.

10.  The Clean Freak – These are the guys who immediately wash their hands upon approval to the washroom, but before they take a seat inside a stall, they takes soap and water and wash it down first.  Heaven forbid that some other guy’s stuff touched the toilet.  Putting toilet paper down, or a thin toilet seat cover, these guys need the bowl to sparkle and be “germ” free.  These are the driven folks who succeed in organizations so they can have a washroom all to themselves.

9.  The Flusher – Someone told me once that if you flush your poo right away you flush the smell too.  Well studies have since shown that to not be true, yet there are some guys who still think it’s legit so they get into a stall and within the length of time it takes another guy to pee, the flusher has flushed the toilet 4 times.  On the bright side, the splashing from the toilet water must be really cleaning their bottom… UGH.

8.  The Blaster – This is the guy who holds his pee so long that the second he gets up to the stall his stream is so powerful like he’s trying to shoot a whole through the ceramic bowl.  Sadly this guy also likes to hit the pine smelling soap at the bottom of the urinal resulting in him getting sprayed in the mid-section from his pee.  He leaves the washroom covered in pee residue… Yucky.  You can recognize him because as soon as he leaves the washroom, his mid-section glows from the urine.  The back of his hand is also usually soaked but when he washes his hands, he’ll wash the inside and rarely the back.

7.  The Misser – This is the guy who gets into the washroom and doesn’t want to make any noise when peeing, or is playing with his stream trying to make the least splash and in process usually hits the porcelain edge and winds up peeing on the floor, hence the giant puddles guys have come known to look out for when approaching a urinal.  Then the next guy comes in, sees the puddle and does his stuff from a foot back from the urinal which means he too adds to the pool of pee on the floor and so it goes until guys give up on that urinal and go to the next one.

6.  The Unbuckler – This guy makes me laugh.  I worked with a guy who used to unbuckle his pants to pee, and he would drop his drawers to his mid-thigh, pull down his underwear exposing his ass cheeks and stand at the urinal with his arm leaning on the wall, legs spread to the max, and he would pee like that while looking around and trying to talk to other guys.  It’s a urinal, not a social club and who the hell wants to see his ass anyways.  It got to the point that when he was going to the washroom, no one else would go near it for 5 minutes for fear of meeting ass-man face to butt cheeks..

5.  The No Handser  – These are the guys – and we all have seen them, who think they can accurately pee in the urinal, not on the floor, not on themselves without touching their stuff at all.  They also think – like my 7-year-old son does, that if they don’t touch it they don’t need to wash their hands.  Well no hands is not cool, and you still have to wash your hands so grab a hold and get it over with.

4.  The Wiggler – The wiggler guy is the guy who finishes peeing and before he steps away he takes his stuff and frantically wiggles it all around, smacking it on the side of the urinal in efforts to get all the pee out.  The problem with the frantic wiggle is that there is no way to control where that left over pee goes so while some may drop into the urinal, the rest sprays all over the place.

3.  The Newspaper Bringer – Ahhh, the newspaper bringer.  This describes the guy who is heading for the washroom and intends on being there a while so he picks up a newspaper from someone’s desk along the way, tucks it under his arm, and proceeds to set up camp inside a stall.  What makes this guy so clueless is when he returns from his 20 minutes of quiet time and proceeds to drop that newspaper back on the desk of the person he borrowed it from with a cheerful “thank you”.  He doesn’t understand that the person he borrowed the paper from does not wish to have back the paper after he’s read it who doing his business and before he washed his hands…  Just the thought makes me shudder.

2.  The I’m Aloner – The I’m alone guy is the guy who is clearly uncomfortable in a public washroom with other men around.  Someone must have commented on the size of his stuff when he was younger because he stresses out in the washroom resulting in him walking in, ignoring everyone, doing his stuff, washing up efficiently and getting the hell out as quickly as possible.  This type of guy possibly holds his breath the entire time in case there is a foul odor in the bathroom.  It’s best to just get out of their way and let them go.

1.  The Held it Too Longer – This guy makes me laugh because he holds his stuff for as long as he possibly can and you know as he’s racing to the bathroom he’s already imaging the relief of doing his business that he is already unzipping or unbuckling even before he gets inside the washroom.

This kind of guy is in his own world because he doesn’t want to be the guy who filled his drawers so if he enters the washroom and there is no toilet or urinal available he actually looks at the sink as a viable option while trying to determine if he waits or heads to another floor.

Don’t try talking to this guy, he’ll bite your head off and he’s probably now having a conversation with himself as his kidneys begin to ache.  He won’t even buckle up as he flees the washroom in search of another and when he finally does get in there could be a dead body on the floor he won’t notice, he’s too busy saying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” as he goes on with his business.

Unfortunately he is traumatized and needs some considerable time to replay the encounter in his head and I’m positive he thanking his lucky stars that as he came into the washroom, already undone and ready to go that he did not run into Mr. Ass Cheeks.

Honorable mention to the take no prisoners guy who comes in, does his stuff and leaves a disaster in his wake – toilet paper everywhere, paper towels and soap everywhere else and body fluids in places it should not be in an office environment.

Since I Can’t Get a Camera Crew To Follow Us Around, I’ll Blog…


There are so many times that I have wished that I could have a camera crew following around my children – due to their uniqueness, wit and humour – but since that is never going to happen, blogging about them seems to be the perfect fit.

If you have tried blogging about kids, you know what the big problems are, right?  First, having to remember what they said, or did, then there is all the privacy concerns – you don’t want to put them in harm in order to get hits, and finally because as they get older then don’t want stuff about them on the net!

Kids are hilarious.  Admit it.

Take this evening, for example, as my middle child, Stewie was showing a childhood friend of his grampa a new toy that he has called Bey Blades.  In explaining what they are, the question was asked of him, “are they like dreidels?” to which Stewie replied, “they are like dreidels but they are not.  These are made with very sharp steel and if you spin them on your tummy they will slice you in half.”

Oh yes… Very serious boy.

Then there was the day after fathers’ day when Stewie made his 5th consecutive appearance into our bedroom in the middle of the night.  Sometimes he arrives because he’s scared of lightning, other times because he had a bad dream.  This night it was because he was “bored”.

So I walked him back to his room – without talking to him – and tucked him back in the bed.

No sooner had I returned to my bed when he started to wail, and with that, I heard the stomping of his feet as he made his way back to our room.

Then there was silence.

I think I fell right back asleep.

I opened my eyes at what was likely 5-minutes, but felt like 5-hours and there, standing beside my side of the bed, glaring at me with hate in his eyes, was Stewie.

I got out of bed, and walked him back to his room without engaging him, because engaging him is what he wants and if I don’t talk to him, the hope is he’ll stay in bed next time.

But he was starting to complain so I asked him to tip toe back to his room, as I put my finger over my mouth and whispered Ssshhhhh.  That clearly was not what he was hoping for, and instead of tip toeing he began to stomp as loud as he could.

So I got mad and told him if he was going to make any more noise, that I would shut his bedroom door.

NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!

He started to wail very loudly.

Apparently one thing my son hates more than noises in the night is noises in the night in his room with the door closed.

I took a deep breath (probably a very deep breath as it was past 2 in the morning and I made sure I was clear  in the way parenting expert Alyson Schafer taught us and I said to him, “This is your choice.  Do you choose to be quiet and go to sleep, or do you choose to make noise, wake up your brother, sister and mother, and sleep with the door shut”.

He chose to be quiet.

So I left.

Laid my head down on the pillow… closed my eyes… then heard wailing.

So I walked into his room and calmly said to him, “I believe you have chosen to sleep with the door shut” and with that I quietly shut his door and walked away.

He wailed louder than before.

I went into our bedroom and my wife was now clearly awake.  We huddled in for a strategy session.  She suggested I bring him into our bed to sleep before he wakes up the rest of the house.  Not wanting to be a sardine in my own bed, I went to sleep in his bed.

The kid is a master manipulator!  Seriously.  Got what he wanted, which was his mother and got me completely out of the picture… Genius!

He must have still been upset in the morning because while I was brushing my teeth, he confronted me in my bathroom (he’s 4-year-old).  “Are you going to be nice to me today, Daddy?” he asked.

“Are you going to sleep in your bed tonight?” I countered with.

“If you are not going to be nice to me, I am not going to give you back your fathers’ day presents”.

“You took back my fathers’ day presents???”

At which point I heard giggling from our bed.  My wife had heard this exchange and apparently knew he took back my presents.

I got down to his level, gave him a huge hug and kiss, told him I love him and with that, he disappeared into his room, only to return with a bag full of the presents he had given me a week prior.  He unloaded the presents as I stood there wondering how we gave birth to the repo man…

He’s going to be interesting as he grows up…

 

Another interesting parenting moment came one morning last week as we were all struggling though this stomach virus, and our oldest, Linus was sitting on the toilet in his bathroom, Stewie was on the toilet on the main floor of the house and our bathroom was occupied.  Only 30 minutes later did we find that Linus’ toilet was never flushed.  We called him in but he denied it was him.  He said it was Stewie.

“Stewie was on the main floor,” I responded.  “It was totally you!”

“Not it wasn’t” defended Linus.

Believe it or not, this conversation went on for 5 minutes, with myself and my wife defending our position and there was Linus with his one line of defense, “It wasn’t me, it was Stewie”.

He kept this up until we dropped it.

Some battles are just not worth fighting, eh?

I’m going to make a note of this pattern and see if it’s something that progresses, continues or drops off as he gets older.  Defending shit is not worthwhile!

 

Finally, one last Stewie story as tonight, he made his way into our bedroom at only 10pm.  He was watching my wife work on her laptop, and he was very happy to see that she was exploring the online ordering of stuffed Angry Birds toys.

I thought I could capitalize on this moment and be a great parent when I suggested that my wife not order them until Stewie was able to sleep in his bed for 5 nights in a row.   She agreed and together we explained to him why we thought this was a good idea.

Well let me tell you, for those of you who have not met Stewie before, that this bright idea of mine did not go over well at all!  He broke into a fit and through part exhaustion, part stress, he said to my wife that she was the “meanest mummy in the universe”.

That was just the beginning!  I’m starting to see that when he feels jaded, picked on, or feels that he is being treated unfairly, he immediately strikes out against my wife / his mother.  Then he turns his attention to me.

All we heard about for the next 45 minutes through tears, anger and an unwillingness to forget, was that he wanted / needed / was going to get an Angry Bird or he was going to “break down our house”.

Oh my.

He was so over-tired we tried to listen without giggling, but the odd giggle slipped out and I think it made it worse.

Needless to say, we did not order the Angry Birds.  We gave him the conditions, and within 2-3 weeks he had the toy.

Another character trait to watch as he gets older!