Sometimes You Just Want To Help… NSFW

I’m sitting at Tim Horton’s enjoying an XL double-double thanks to Roll up the Rim to win, and the, ahem, gentleman beside me has literally blown a gasket.

He’s said;



“For Fuck sakes”

“Jesus Fucking Christ”


Bigger Sigh

“Jesus Christ”



Toss in a couple more “Fucks”, no “shits” but lots of “fucks”…

and SO much more colourful language, quietly, mostly under his breath, but considering that I’m sitting next to him, it’s all I can hear.

All the while he’s on his cell phone, pounding away on the keys (they click).

I just want to ask him what’s wrong…

It’s not that I think I can help him, that is unless his question is about parenting or taxes, but I just feel like he needs a friend right now to vent to.

If I were a bartender, he’s be talking up a storm, but he’s just pounding away on his device, either frustrated or upset at something he has either read, saw, or because he doesn’t know how to stop his phone from clicking.

What would you do?


Note: I actually thought he was cussing up a storm because he was trying to set his ringtone.  I kept hearing all these beeps, whirls and whistles.  One would think that R2D2 was beside me, but then the sounds stopped and the cursing didn’t.

Note2: He grumbled his way to the bathroom, then left.  He’s known here.  From this day forth I shall refer to him (silently) as the inept-smartphone-twit, or FIST, for short.

Fucking Inept Smartphone Twit, to more accurate.


What’s the “Ed” Word, Daddy?

I’m not sure how this conversation started or what was said, but the ending was kind of funny.

It went something like this…

Me: “Ed is short for Edward.”

Son: “So everyone named Ed is really an Edward?”

Me: “Sure”.

Him: “Daddy… I know the A-word, and the S-word, but I don’t know the Edward?”

Me: “Huh?”

Him: “I don’t know the Edward!”

Me: “What Edward??? You mean the A-word like ass???”

Him (huge smile – I got daddy to say ass): “Yeah. What is the Ed-word”

Me: “Ohhhh…. It’s not Ed-Word. It’s Edward!”

Him: “Oh”.


Some random stuff you will probably discuss at the water cooler, kitchen sink or breakfast table…

So my new blackberry talks to me. Out of nowhere, I must press a button and the fucking thing starts talking to me, asking me to issue a voice command and when I yell back at it, “Shut the fuck up” it calls one of my colleagues… Each and every time, same guy. I think I need to find a different swear word for it.
For some strange reason by year and a half old daughter HATES the bath. Sure, it’s been coming over time but now she breaks out into a cold sweat whenever we say “bath” or “shower”. She also hates the morning poo cleanup which I think is a result of the cold wipes in her girly bits. I’d hate that too. Last time I went to clean her she said to my wife, “Bad Daddy”. Great.


I see Canada Post wants to strike… Overall volume is down 17% from 2006, they have a 3.2billion dollar deficit, yet the unionized workers want a 3.3% raise this year, and 2.75% in the next 2 year, in addition to job security. As Jack Layton would say, “hashtag fail”. It’s too bad Rob Ford is just the Toronto mayor and not the Prime Minister of Canada. Starting wages are $23/hr and would be $26/hr. #Shame. The workers should realize postal carrier are going the way of the VCR and Canada Post should find a way to keep the mail moving while sorting out this mess.


Actual conversation between myself and a former colleague at the CRA (Canada Revenue Agency).

CRA: I’m bored.

Me: I could use some help researching some tax matters

CRA: Naw! I don’t wanna work.

Me: I really could use some help. I have some tough aged matters I’m trying to sort out.

CRA: So call business windows, 1.800.959.5525.

Me: Really? Can’t I just speak to you.

CRA: I’ll only answer one general question, nothing account specific

Me: Well, it’s account specific… Thanks anyways…

Yes sir, with no shred of a lie. I’m okay with that, it’s not this person’s fault, it’s the system, right?


Staff member was at 15,000 steps at the end of the day and quite proud of it. I just cracked 10,000. Boldly, I pledged to surpass his total tonight. He laughed at me.


That meant I would actually have to do something once the kids went to bed and my wife off to her book club. So after getting some work done on, oh yes, cost basis reporting, I grabbed my stuff and headed out for a run. Now I’m writing this post at 19,000 steps. I’ll have to find a kind, gentle way to point it out to him. He he.


I also took the opportunity today to bring in ice cream sandwiches for the whole upstairs at my office today since it was so damn hot. One of my staff posted it somewhere, possibly Facebook, possibly just in an email to a friend, and it read; “This is why I love my boss”, and it had a picture of the ice cream. You know, I’d love my boss too if I got ice cream. Yeah (not that I don’t love my boss already, but there is room for ice cream after dinner and always room for more love for giving ice cream).


When the Atlanta Thrashers move from Atlanta to Winnipeg shouldn’t Commissioner Gary Bettman go too? How long until he tries to put another team there?!? 10 years?


Happy Birthday to my wife today! You look incredible and 10 years younger than me… Keep it up.
Why are sales people / wait staff so fucking rude all the time. Don’t they know that they lose customers that way? Don’t they care? Does anybody care?
When was the last time you paid a compliment instead of bitching? It’s so much easier to bitch someone out than it is to comment on how hard they work or how much you appreciate them.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what’s on the other side?

The end of the world must be near…

I think the end of the world is near.  It makes me sad, but I think this is it.  What else could explain the absolute shit that is on TV these days.  Celebrity Rehab, Sex Rehab, Paris Hilton’s BFF, Tila Tequila and fuck, even P. Diddy, or whatever the fuck his name is, has a “reality” show.  It’s all friggin crap.  Hogan know’s best, the Hills, people with 8 kids, 16 kids, 32 kids, geez.  What makes this Tv?  It’s like being at the circus watching the freak-shows. 

Right now on showcase there are 2 men in thongs tied together by a harness in the 69 position and they are pounding the shit out of each other’s ass cheeks.  UGH.  Then the guy drools on the other guys leg.  UGH.  It’s as bad as watching poker on TV.  (turned off after 20 more seconds).

It’s no wonder I just stick to sports, Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, and a ton of cooking shoes and news.

Please, someone come up with something original!!!


A little bit of this and a little bit of that…

How was your weekend?  Mine?  Are you asking me?  Really?  Well then… We spent this weekend with a child who really wanted to eat and drink, to the point of having a tantrum if he could not, but then, after eating and drinking, would throw up the contents of his little tummy – food not even slightly digested.  In between vomit-fest, were mega-poo’s of the very wet variety seeping through diaper, clothes, towel, bed and whatever else was in it’s way. UGH.

I was so glad to leave the house this morning to go to work (imagine that!) so I wouldn’t have to smell poo or vomit anymore… It was getting to be too much.  It was everywhere!

It’s true Dads… Mums do have it harder when kids are sick!

Sick kid and all, we trekked up to Green Acres camp for a birthday party of Linus’ classmate and had a wonderful time. We petted bunnies, sheep (babies too) and fed the chickens. 

Me, personally, I hate zoos and farms because quite frankly they smell like shit.  I’m not a big fan of ducking poo here and there and watching animals take a dump. I’m still traumatized from seeing a elephant unload a whopper when I was young.  It’s was nasty and I couldn’t eat large quantities of ground beef for months after. But hey, it wasn’t about me and the kids had fun. Linus ran off an played on his own which he never does and Stewie wanted to eat. Grapes, specifically. One incident went something like this;

Stewie “Want gapes”

Urban Mummy “There are no more”

Stewie “WANT gapes”

UM “There are no more”


UM “I told you there are no more”… followed by a angry-faced hair pulling and a smack.

UM “Don’t hit me or pull my hair”

Stewiesupid, supid, supid, supid, supid, supid“… (Read: supid = stupid)

Nice, eh? Anyways, there was food, games, shovels and buckets and a tractor ride. We all had fun… Except maybe UM whose jacket I left with the gift in the middle of a bench somewhere in the complex. Hope they found it before it rained or the sheep ate it.

Jedi vs Sith – That addictive facebook game! Damn that game!!! I have to finish all games before we leave for our trip (Wednesday) of I’ll lose by auto-win… Noooooooooo! I’m a geek. I know.

Now, for a more serious comment about family. Without getting into it too much, I have three cousins – sisters, that I babysat when I was younger quite a lot and got to know these kids very well. After their parents divorced, we kept in touch with my Uncle, but they went with their mom and we rarely heard from them, except for facebook… recently. Well before UM and I had Linus this cousin had a baby, got married, and I tried to keep in touch, she was now 27, not 7 and I thought as family the cousins should get to know each other, but to no avail.  Only excuses. I invited her and her hubby to both brises and to our annual New Years’ Day open house and heard nothing back. I did get some pictures for our grandmother so she could see the baby. Anyways, it is with great sadness that I find out this weekend that my cousin – now 30, had another baby – this time a boy, in April. No one in our family knew. She didn’t even have the courtesy to drop me an email… Nice. I’m contemplating emailing her or facebooking her sisters to say something because I can. That’s my style, but UM and my mother think I should leave it alone. Anyone have any experiences like this, and can offer some advice?

I’m stealing this story from Urban Mummy before she gets to post it. She told me that she was playing the new Barenaked Ladies children’s CD in the car for Linus, and she told him as such. When she got back in the car with him after his parent-teacher interview, he asked to listen to CD again, but referred to the artist as the “naked girls”. Cute, eh? Asked me the same thing after his last swimming class… “Naked Girls”… he he he.

We are all heading to the lovely US of A for a family function Wednesday and will return by the end of the week. This will be Stewie’s (all 1 1/2 of him) 4th or 5th flight. I was 35 by my 5th flight. 🙂

Now, a new feature and tell me honestly if you like it or hate it, but /I took a few minutes and typed down some insane talk I over heard at the office this morning…


“Before Jesus came they used to sacrifice lambs, and humans to these G-ds, before Jesus came, whomever they are. Then Jesus came and said you don’t have to do that anymore… that is why I have vegetarian blood. You can’t get iron from veg so I’m drinking protein shakes…”

“If you had to take a rocket to the moon, would you not check the gas?”

“We drink cows milk because “they” found something they wanted to sell, so they promoted it and forced everyone to drink it.”

“Coffee: caffeine – clogs your system – is the problem – stimulates your heart too much. Dehydrates you. Diuretic. I’ll go to green tea. (other person says: green tea has 4 times the caffeine of coffee)… Well then I’ll go to a lemon drink! Anything marketed is no good. I’ll show them! I need more lemons in my diet anyways”

“Problem with blood pressure – is you have high cholesterol and the bad is higher than the good – chance of stroke is high. “They” want you to go on pills right away. “They” don’t want to take the time to help you, they get money for the pills and not for helping you. If you’re overweight – stressed – blood pressure goes up – must be sick. You’re money for “them”.”

“Sodium – ratio of potassium to sodium is 3-1. If not 3-1 then high blood pressure. People are taking potassium in their diets to even out the ratio… Yeah!.”

Today is Grandpa’s birthday and the kids did some artwork and picked out a funky hoodie that I didn’t think Grandpa would like but they did and they desecrated – err, coloured – his birthday card… Hope he liked the effort. Those kids try so hard!

Tomorrow… Interview and a trip to police headquarters (details to follow).

Cheers all!!!