Posted in Being Jewish in Toronto

Funny Comment About The “True Heroes of Christmas”

At a friend’s home during the holidays, a young, non-Jewish woman commented that her parents always told her this about Christmas:

“The real heroes at Christmas-time are the Jewish kids who never told you that Santa Claus was not real.”

That brought a smile to my face, as one of those kids who knew that secret and to this day, will never spoil the surprise, and neither will my kids!

The Tooth Fairy, on the other hand… Different story!

Hope whatever you celebrated, that it was wonderful!


Posted in Being Jewish in Toronto, Life, sleep, urbandaddyblog

Thursday Thirteen – You know you have lost touch with the adult world when…

Hello to my happy readers. As my 2-year-old daughter Berry would say with much excitement in her voice, “You came back!!!”.  For those of you who are first time readers, welcome, feel free to come back at any time, and if you’ve come here accidentially, thanks for the hit and please come back unless you are looking for Santa Claus porn. 

Because I’m a giant loser, I find myself not needing to dip into the almost 80 blog posts sitting in my draft folder for this weeks Thursday Thirteen, but instead I felt compelled to reach out to my readers with kids and form a bond.

Below you will find the 13 ways in which I realized I have lost touch with the adult world.

Sit tight and here we go.

13. I saw what appeared to be 2 hookers walking through the side streets near Eglinton and Allen Road last night in mid-town Toronto, on my way home from the office – probably heading to one of the many massage places with neon lights that light up on the very quiet Eglinton strip (pun intended) after dark.

For some reason even I cannot explain, I began singing this following song – out loud – in my car, to the tune of the Dora the Explorer theme;

Do do do DO do DO do… Hookers.
Do do do DO do DO do… Hookers.
Hookers, hookers, HOOKERS on Eglinton.

If you know the theme, you know what I mean.

12. I sit down in front of the television infrequently and instead of checking out the regular stations, Ch22 – Sportsnet, Ch30 TSN, Ch53 Headline sports and Ch 418 the NHL network, my fingers immediately press ch65 which is Treehouse TV.  A bad habit indeed because once the kids catch a glimpse of one of their shows the begging begins.

11. Like my kids, I have found myself not caring about the colour of my socks when I head into the office. It used to be black socks for everything unless I’m wearing blue pants, then it would be blue socks and brown socks for brown pants but because my kids regularly wear, for example, an orange shirt, with green pants and red socks, I’m feeling their vibe. I’m not sure those without kids would understand other than to think I’m  losing my mind.

10. I heard a song by Anthrax called “I’m Alive” which I really love right now but instead of singing that I find myself singing a children song that has words in it like, Syria, Oman, Pakistan… and what’s worse about this is that Stewie played it for me on my birthday saying “It’s daddy’s favourite song”. He knows it and I don’t. DOH!

9. I needed to move an icon from my iPad into a folder and ended up giving it to Linus to close off once I finally figured out how to move it – UrbanMummy showed me how to move them but not how to turn it off.  He knew without hesitation.

8. I needed to get through a level of Plants Vs. Zombies but couldn’t figure out how, so I gave it to Linus and Stewie and they had it done in 2 games. That used to be me…

7. I need to make more guy’s nights out to talk about real world topics not having to do with, or involving diapers, trips, programs or any more to deal with a vasectomy.

6. I have read over 1000 children’s books in the past year, and precisely 1 pleasure book for my interest and it was a Dan Brown book which I polished off in just under 2 weeks.

5. Before my ball-hockey game on Monday night, instead of my normal pre-game ritual of pasta, Advil, tums/rolaids, stretching and very loud aggressive rock to get my mind focussed, I took tips from Linus (who hates hockey and has seen me play twice) and his tips WORKED!   In honour of Ron Simmons who is going into the WWE Hall of Fame, I say this; “DAMN”.

4. See the previous discussion about my kids clothing “style” and wonder why it is that I ask them if my clothes match in the morning before I leave for the office.  That’s like me asking Urban Mummy who tells me I look fine when the room is pitch black and she cannot see me, and is the first to comment when I arrive home at the ned of the day with; “You wore THAT to work today?!?”

3.  As Daddy carpool, I take my kids to karate, swimming, parties, Beavers and any other kid only or family outing (like trips to sleepyville) and I am unable to yell or swear at other cars, bikes or people.  I also am banned from singing in the car or listening to my music. 

2.  I spend so much time in the children’s rooms at night – bedtime routine is happily my task – that my daughter has said to me repeatedly, “You have no bed.  Stewie in Stewie’s bed, Linus in Linus’ bed, Mummy in mummy’s bed and Berry in Berry’s big girl bed.  you have no bed.”  No matter how many times I have tried to convince her than mummy and daddy sleep in the same bed she won’t buy it because she never sees me there.  She’s 2.  Yet, I try to convince her over and over again.  Why is that?  It’s a giant waste of time with a 7-year-old, let alone a 2-year-old.

1.  I spend my days waking up at 6am when the kids get up.  I wipe butts, I smell hands, I smell stinky breath, I deal in diapers (thankfully no more poo).  I cook on demand, entertain on demand, feed on demand.  I’m their bitch.  I keep the TV low at night when watching sports.  I have not watched a movie which has suggestive content, the potential for nudity or swearing or inappropriate TV in 7 years.  What’s up with that?

Posted in Thursday Thirteen, urbandaddyblog

Thursday Thirteen – Thirteen really strange search terms which directed people to my blog.

Today’s Thursday Thirteen focuses on 13 really strange search terms which directed people to my blog.

Message to those folks who searched these terms in the first place, in case you come here again, you’ll see that we’re making fun of you. It’s not hard when you see the search terms used.

So let’s get started…

1. “Santa Claus Porn” – Maybe instead of Ho Ho Ho, this person was looking for Hoe Hoe Hoe… In either case, it’s sick. Determined to find their porn,he, or she, has also come to my blog by searching “Santa Clause porn” I guess that is in case Santa changed his name.

2. “Pro Stars cereal” – WOW.  I forgot all about this cereal sponsored by Wayne Gretzky.  “Toasted Oat taste” was the catch phrase for this yummy cereal.  I think they need to bring it back, no?.

3. There were lots of searches directed to my blog including the word “McRib”  What I found odd was that people were looking for confirmation that the McRib was not healthy (duh), with such phrases as “is it unhealthy”, “is it poison” and “is it made of pressed brains and butts”… Err, yeah.  It’s high in salt and not good for you.  There.  Don’t be shocked.  It’s fast food.  Go eat a salad instead.  

4. “macginty platform employment” – Errr, the election was last month and it’s McGuinty. He won and he’s still taxing Ontarians because people like you forgot to vote!  Sheesh.

5. “Dora the explorer cufflinks”. COOL. I wear cufflinks and my daughter loves Dora. To bad she doesn’t wear them…

6. “Daddy Detox” – it’s call wing night, folks.

7. “# of urban daddy readers” – answer: millions and millions.

8. “$ profit made at urban daddy last year”. Answer: See above.

9. “asked for a canucks coffee at tim hortons no cus” – I don’t know what “no cus” means so I am ignoring it, but I sure as hell know what a Canucks coffee is at Tim Horton’s.  You order that drink and the staff start a riot, making sure to destroy the store while being filmed on TV.  

10. “regulation that affect laundry service Canada”  – That was my favourite government department, Laundry Service Canada.  They had some pretty serious legislation relating to startching shirts…

11. “I called my son an asshole” – there. Do you feel better now?  If you come back to this blog, I’ll call you an asshole too.  Asshole.

12. “I hate the NDP”. Well I’m glad to hear that because I love you!

13. “when was santa claus born”  When was he born?  Like as in a real human being?  Hey buddy… Santa wasn’t born!  Besides, he’s busy doing porn, so leave him alone.  Go bug him during the holiday season and not in his off season where he is pimping his self out with his Hoe’s!