Welcome to The Urban Daddy weblog. Not your typical "Daddy" blog because I am not your typical Daddy. Originating from Toronto, Ontario, Canada in 2004. Follow our exploits as we proceed through life with the odds stacked against us. Three of them and two of us.
My 2-year-old daughter Berry has quite the personality and being the third child, she seems to have picked up the seriousness of Stewie, and the goofiness of Linus. This was her conversation with a member of this urban family today when she whipped open the bathroom door and found them on the toilet.
Berry: “Are you peeing and pooing?”
Anon “Yes, can’t you tell?”
Berry: “The poo is stinky but the pee is okay. It’s fun.”
Anon: “It’s fun?”
Berry: “You can play with pee, but you cannot play with poo. It’s yucky. You can make eyes with pee, and smile with pee and play with pee. Put a hat on pee and take pee to the park.”
Anon: “You cannot play with pee, you cannot take pee to the park and you certainly cannot put a hat on pee. On a pea, maybe, but not on pee.”
Berry: “SILLY! Yes you can.”
Upon overhearing this conversation, I think I need to investigate this further. I’m glad she knows you don’t play with poo, however I’m not sure if someone has been telling her it’s okay to play with pee or if she’s just showing her toilet humour.
Today’s Thursday Thirteen is an instant classic that you will want to re-post and share with your friends and family as it covers 13 types of men found in a men’s washroom which I have observed over my 20 plus years of office life.
So gather your friends and family members, lock away the children and be prepared to laugh so hard you’ll pee you pants.
Here we go!
13. The Talker – The talker is the kind of guy you come across in a men’s washroom who has started a conversation on his way to the washroom and continues it while walking into the washroom, even if he goes into a stall – which ladies, is big issue for men. The talker will continue the conversation while he does his business and actually expects you to stick around and partake and not be wierded out by what is happening. Ladies, let me tell you, in a men’s washroom if the stall is occupied, men get the hell out as quick as possible before they hear or smell anything. Talking from beyond the stall… So not cool.
12. The Peeker – Gentlemen, you know these types of guys. They’re a little odd, or a little curious and you know if there is an opportunity to sneak a peek, they’ll be the ones that do it. Sometimes even though they know it’s wrong, they’ll throw a look while you’re talking to them or looking at them. They can’t help themselves. It’s competition to see what they’ve got and what you’ve got. The peeker will never comment but it is very awkward and from that point on, the peeker pees alone!
11. The Grunter – Ahhh, the grunter… This is the guy who holds in his stuff for so long that by the time he gets to a stall he REALLY has to go and you know it. There is grunting, moaning and the odd, “Oh yeah” with pauses for appropriate sound effects. The grunter gets so caught up into his own bathroom experience that he forgets there are dudes on the other side of the stall cringing.
10. The Clean Freak – These are the guys who immediately wash their hands upon approval to the washroom, but before they take a seat inside a stall, they takes soap and water and wash it down first. Heaven forbid that some other guy’s stuff touched the toilet. Putting toilet paper down, or a thin toilet seat cover, these guys need the bowl to sparkle and be “germ” free. These are the driven folks who succeed in organizations so they can have a washroom all to themselves.
9. The Flusher – Someone told me once that if you flush your poo right away you flush the smell too. Well studies have since shown that to not be true, yet there are some guys who still think it’s legit so they get into a stall and within the length of time it takes another guy to pee, the flusher has flushed the toilet 4 times. On the bright side, the splashing from the toilet water must be really cleaning their bottom… UGH.
8. The Blaster – This is the guy who holds his pee so long that the second he gets up to the stall his stream is so powerful like he’s trying to shoot a whole through the ceramic bowl. Sadly this guy also likes to hit the pine smelling soap at the bottom of the urinal resulting in him getting sprayed in the mid-section from his pee. He leaves the washroom covered in pee residue… Yucky. You can recognize him because as soon as he leaves the washroom, his mid-section glows from the urine. The back of his hand is also usually soaked but when he washes his hands, he’ll wash the inside and rarely the back.
7. The Misser – This is the guy who gets into the washroom and doesn’t want to make any noise when peeing, or is playing with his stream trying to make the least splash and in process usually hits the porcelain edge and winds up peeing on the floor, hence the giant puddles guys have come known to look out for when approaching a urinal. Then the next guy comes in, sees the puddle and does his stuff from a foot back from the urinal which means he too adds to the pool of pee on the floor and so it goes until guys give up on that urinal and go to the next one.
6. The Unbuckler – This guy makes me laugh. I worked with a guy who used to unbuckle his pants to pee, and he would drop his drawers to his mid-thigh, pull down his underwear exposing his ass cheeks and stand at the urinal with his arm leaning on the wall, legs spread to the max, and he would pee like that while looking around and trying to talk to other guys. It’s a urinal, not a social club and who the hell wants to see his ass anyways. It got to the point that when he was going to the washroom, no one else would go near it for 5 minutes for fear of meeting ass-man face to butt cheeks..
5. The No Handser – These are the guys – and we all have seen them, who think they can accurately pee in the urinal, not on the floor, not on themselves without touching their stuff at all. They also think – like my 7-year-old son does, that if they don’t touch it they don’t need to wash their hands. Well no hands is not cool, and you still have to wash your hands so grab a hold and get it over with.
4. The Wiggler – The wiggler guy is the guy who finishes peeing and before he steps away he takes his stuff and frantically wiggles it all around, smacking it on the side of the urinal in efforts to get all the pee out. The problem with the frantic wiggle is that there is no way to control where that left over pee goes so while some may drop into the urinal, the rest sprays all over the place.
3. The Newspaper Bringer – Ahhh, the newspaper bringer. This describes the guy who is heading for the washroom and intends on being there a while so he picks up a newspaper from someone’s desk along the way, tucks it under his arm, and proceeds to set up camp inside a stall. What makes this guy so clueless is when he returns from his 20 minutes of quiet time and proceeds to drop that newspaper back on the desk of the person he borrowed it from with a cheerful “thank you”. He doesn’t understand that the person he borrowed the paper from does not wish to have back the paper after he’s read it who doing his business and before he washed his hands… Just the thought makes me shudder.
2. The I’m Aloner – The I’m alone guy is the guy who is clearly uncomfortable in a public washroom with other men around. Someone must have commented on the size of his stuff when he was younger because he stresses out in the washroom resulting in him walking in, ignoring everyone, doing his stuff, washing up efficiently and getting the hell out as quickly as possible. This type of guy possibly holds his breath the entire time in case there is a foul odor in the bathroom. It’s best to just get out of their way and let them go.
1. The Held it Too Longer – This guy makes me laugh because he holds his stuff for as long as he possibly can and you know as he’s racing to the bathroom he’s already imaging the relief of doing his business that he is already unzipping or unbuckling even before he gets inside the washroom.
This kind of guy is in his own world because he doesn’t want to be the guy who filled his drawers so if he enters the washroom and there is no toilet or urinal available he actually looks at the sink as a viable option while trying to determine if he waits or heads to another floor.
Don’t try talking to this guy, he’ll bite your head off and he’s probably now having a conversation with himself as his kidneys begin to ache. He won’t even buckle up as he flees the washroom in search of another and when he finally does get in there could be a dead body on the floor he won’t notice, he’s too busy saying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” as he goes on with his business.
Unfortunately he is traumatized and needs some considerable time to replay the encounter in his head and I’m positive he thanking his lucky stars that as he came into the washroom, already undone and ready to go that he did not run into Mr. Ass Cheeks.
Honorable mention to the take no prisoners guy who comes in, does his stuff and leaves a disaster in his wake – toilet paper everywhere, paper towels and soap everywhere else and body fluids in places it should not be in an office environment.
I’ve got a lot of stuff floating around my head and I started dumping it all into this post last week so that my head would not hurt so much. As such, I was fully prepared to finish and publish this post Saturday night but it got delayed when I realized the amount of work needed to edit it for poor grammar and spelling. Saturday became Sunday, which bumped into Monday, then Tuesday… OY. So I’m hoping you are reading this and today is Wednesday.
So what happened you ask?
I sat down Sunday to work on this post and when I logged onto the Internet, I found the Twittersphere was abuzz with the Grammy awards. I used to LOVE the Grammy’s because it regularly fell on my birthday, February 21st and it was the only award show that recognized talent, not just popularity. Quality over quantity. In addition, many of the singers actually sang during their performances, and that made the show much better than other award shows where the artists lip synched and were there to look cool, and not to be respected by the music community. Those shows, ahem, MTV music awards, always looked like a giant scripted video where artists dress in torn jeans, get loaded and swore on stage. The Grammy’s, on the other hand, have always had much more class… Until this year!
I still was not going to watch the show, but someone tweeted that Bruno Mars and Alicia Keys shared the same hairstyle, and that peaked my curiosity, so on went the TV and I was hooked. To be honest, the Grammy’s and Twitter make for a great pair. I watched, tweeted, re-tweeted and met some new cool people, and got to know some of my contacts better, It made for a very interactive event and I got to share my love of music with others also in the know.
So back to my comment about how classy the Grammy’s are and how they failed Sunday night… The Grammy’s not only had two performances from Chris Brown, but they also gave him awards, Two of them. Chris Brown.
For those of you not familiar with him, he is the former boyfriend of singer Rhianna and one night he lost his temper and beat her. She went public with the picture of her battered and bruised face and instead of coming clean, Brown put a sour look on his face and carried on with his life.
So he thinks it’s okay to hit women.
That’s so not cool.
If I’m a woman (which I’m not) and I’m a R&B fan (which I’m not) or a human being who loves music (which I am), I would NEVER EVER buy, or download another Chris Brown song again. But instead of ignoring him, the Grammy’s had him perform and man the Twittersphere was not amused. What were the Grammy’s thinking??? As a matter of fact, the best R&B award had him and R. Kelly – who videotaped sex with a 15-year-old, and Kanye West is a hot-tempered, spoiled brat and a sore loser and this is the cream of the R&B crop?!? I think this category can do better, don’t you?
But what saved this award show was Adele. She was appreciative and she has a magnificent voice. That and she’s not 98 pounds means she is a role model for the next generation of woman, now Lady Gaga who looked like she got caught in a fish net on the way into the award show.
LL Cool J called Sir Paul McCartney his “homie”. LOL.
Dave Grohl, of the Foo Fighters dissed pretty much every other band by saying they recorded their Best Rock Album in their garage with a tape recorder. I believe he also dissed the performers who were not really singing. Classic.
Other random stuff:
Why do guys have to non-verbally announce the impending of bodily functions in public washrooms. The grunts, groans, “Oh my g-d’s” before and “whews” after are so not cool. Entertaining but not cool. Especially when one of my kids asks out loud why was that person grunting before they poo’d, loud enough so they can hear too.
Everyday driving home across Eglinton Avenue in Toronto, I pass a strip mall (pun intended) which has the following businesses;
A XXX Adult video store – tinted covered windows so the perverts cannot see inside
A Ready Lube
Aromatic Sensation “Massage” parlour.
I think the Ready Lube has to go… It’s bringing down the neighbourhood. lol. But seriously, do you need the ready lube to visit either of the locations?
Speaking of “massages” has anyone heard the song Pornstar dancing by My Darkest Days?
Or what about I’m Alive by Anthrax? my new favourite song next to “Call my Mamma” the WWE Brodus Clay theme song.
I’m working on a new blog post based on a comment made by TTC Chair and Toronto City councillor Karen Stintz that “Council is supreme”. Yes it is… Karen… Yes it is.
Tuesday night the Leafs lost their 4th game in a row and the Raptors lost on a last second 3-pointer from Lin-sanity himself, David Lin – in his 6th professional ball game. All this losing makes me thankful the Toronto Rock play this Saturday at home, and makes me REALLY look forward to next week when pitchers and catchers can report for Major League Baseball (MLB) spring training.
On February 19th it is the voluntary report date for pitchers, catchers and injured players to report to spring training.
February 24th, full squads may report
February 29th, is the first exhibition game between the Philadelphia Philies and Florida State University.
YAY! The truest sign that spring is on the way!
Last random thought of the day: Have any of you seen the show Ink Master? If so, it’s crazy, right! If not, let me tell you a little about if from the 20 minutes I caught yesterday.
8 people are competing to find the next best tattoo artist. The “artists” have to tattoo their “canvas” aka human beings in the manner they want. For example, one guy wanted a head tattoo, the other a celtic braid around his flabby bicep with the New York skyline sitting on top of the braid.
The concept seems completely fucked up and then you realize how truly messed up it is when they show the work done by these “artists” such as crooked work, poor shading,and pain. One guy having a head tattoo done needed to be taken to the hospital by EMT. UGH.
The way I see it the “artists” are up and coming tattoo artists and as such are prone to make mistakes – such as crooked designs or poor shading and they have to complete their art within a limited time frame, like 4 hours. So one of the tattoo artists had to do a head tattoo in 6 hours but he didn’t finish it. Then in the next competition, he got another head tattoo to do and the poor guy that wanted it must have seen the look of displeasure on his face but still went through with it. Yeah, that’s what I want… Some guy doing a tattoo on my head when he a) did one that was brutal and b) doesn’t want to do another. Yeah, stick that needle in my head, buddy. NOT.
If the intention of this show is to dissuade kids from wanting tattoos then it worked. Personally I cannot think of anything I would want to get tattooed permanently on my body, let alone by some amateur during a contest for TV. Yikes.
The three items listed in my title will probably never, ever be explained.
Are crop circles an elaborate hoax perpetrated by a bunch of schemers? Who really killed JFK, was it one shooter or the CIA or the mob? And how kids brains work…
Since this is a daddy blog first and foremost, let me expand on the last item.
Readers of this blog will recall the issues we’ve been having getting Stewie out of his night-time pull ups. He was quick to train during the day – 2 1/2 if my memory serves me correctly, but it took him until about 4 1/2 to stop soiling his pull-up at night. The most difficult thing to do has been to get him to understand what he was doing because when he went to sleep he knew not to do that, but when he woke up, he seemed surprised – and a little disappointed – that it had happened. And to be honest, I don’t think he consciously stopped doing it, I think he just created a pattern which did not include a night-time bowel movement.
Getting him to stop peeing at night, however, has been a disaster.
I tried waking him up ever couple hours to pee, I tried no water before bed, I tried making him pee three times before he sleeps, we tried the double pull up… He hated that one! I tried explaining it to him and I tried mocking him (sorry), by telling him babies wear diapers. His response to that was to not wear a pull-up to bed, then sleeping in a pool of pee.
For the past year and a half he’s slept with a rubber sheet under his sheet and on top of that is a towel which absorbs some of the pee but never enough as he continues to pee through his diapers, then pull-ups. Neither Huggies nor Pampers helped. We tried all brands, all styles. The Pampers Under Jams have worked the best of all the night-time items, they hold a lot of urine! I told him they are night time underwear, and not diapers… Whew. The Huggies Pull-ups, on the other hand worked for one pee, but when the floodgates were open they were pretty much useless.
Compounding this problem was the fact that he wanted to sleep in bed with mummy, every night for the last 5 months and she couldn’t have him in her bed without him peeing first, changing a full pull-up and a towel on the bed… A lot of work at 2, 3 or 4 in the morning for either of us.
I think the most frustrating part here is that the whole time Stewie knew he was doing this. He said he was “too tired” to get up to pee.
A couple of times I would take him to pee and he a little bit of pee would trickle out, then we would put on his pull up and within seconds it would be full.
I would glare at him, he would smile. Such a cute face…
Then out of nowhere, just days after his 5th birthday, the little bugger woke up completely dry. I asked him what happened and he said he got up to pee (I know he did not). I think he just decided he was going to hold it… Finally.
He just decided to hold it.
Every night for that week, I would walk into his room, and check to see that he was wearing his pull-up, then see how wet it, or he was. It’s been completely dry.
Then he started getting annoyed. Annoyed that for the past year and a half we’ve been doing the poke test on him. Poking to see if he’s wearing his pull-up, poking him to see if it’s full and now in the last 3 days, poking him to see if he’s wet.
Just last night, he came into our room, I rushed to move him back to his room, but he returned shortly thereafter (“I NEED mummy!”) he cries, so I took him to his room again and laid down with him.
Every now and then I would reach over and give the poke test, to which he promptly replied; “Stop poking me, Daddy. I’m still dry!”.
Well… Excuse me!!!
How he just decided to do this after all this time and all the pee… Is a mystery!
But the mystery gets even more clouded when just over a week later, he was back to his old ways. Fll pull-ups, wet bed, sometimes right through to the towel, or sheets.
Since this is very normal and very common, I’m not overly bothered by it. I hope he turns it on again soon, but in the interim He’ll keep peeing and I’ll keep bugging him.
How did they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar?!?
Our almost one month old baby girl had the biggest poo of her little life. Poo flew right out of her diaper, her 3 layers of clothes, right through my shirt to my skin. We were not at home. We were invited to some friends for the first time and this will forever be their memory of me / us. Our hosts had to get me a t-shirt and sweater to wear. Not pretty.
What could top that event off? How about both my boys going to the bathroom to poo there too. Huge poo’s.
So poo aside, the food was delish, as was the company. Had a great time.
For dessert our host made rice krispy squares but instead of using marshmallows, she used 8 mars bars… WOW. It was wicked!!!