Driving in the car with children, as you all well know, can be either a pleasure or a pain depending on a number of factors usually beyond our control as parents. In fact, children even have the ability to be educational or hilarious in the car, if they want, but being disruptive and difficult is usually the easiest.
Every now and then they say something funny, brilliant or even hilarious, which must be shared with the world…
A couple of weeks ago, while driving in the car with the children, our 9-year-old son, Linus began a rather short discussion with my wife which showed us that he is finally understanding the meaning of life and that – as we’ve been saying all along – life ain’t fair.
I had to share it!
Linus: “Mummy, you know when you find that perfect spot in bed that is so comfortable and warm and then, of course, you have to get up to pee and when you come back to bed, you cannot find that spot again?”
My 2-year-old daughter Berry has quite the personality and being the third child, she seems to have picked up the seriousness of Stewie, and the goofiness of Linus. This was her conversation with a member of this urban family today when she whipped open the bathroom door and found them on the toilet.
Berry: “Are you peeing and pooing?”
Anon “Yes, can’t you tell?”
Berry: “The poo is stinky but the pee is okay. It’s fun.”
Anon: “It’s fun?”
Berry: “You can play with pee, but you cannot play with poo. It’s yucky. You can make eyes with pee, and smile with pee and play with pee. Put a hat on pee and take pee to the park.”
Anon: “You cannot play with pee, you cannot take pee to the park and you certainly cannot put a hat on pee. On a pea, maybe, but not on pee.”
Berry: “SILLY! Yes you can.”
Upon overhearing this conversation, I think I need to investigate this further. I’m glad she knows you don’t play with poo, however I’m not sure if someone has been telling her it’s okay to play with pee or if she’s just showing her toilet humour.
Today’s Thursday Thirteen is an instant classic that you will want to re-post and share with your friends and family as it covers 13 types of men found in a men’s washroom which I have observed over my 20 plus years of office life.
So gather your friends and family members, lock away the children and be prepared to laugh so hard you’ll pee you pants.
Here we go!
13. The Talker – The talker is the kind of guy you come across in a men’s washroom who has started a conversation on his way to the washroom and continues it while walking into the washroom, even if he goes into a stall – which ladies, is big issue for men. The talker will continue the conversation while he does his business and actually expects you to stick around and partake and not be wierded out by what is happening. Ladies, let me tell you, in a men’s washroom if the stall is occupied, men get the hell out as quick as possible before they hear or smell anything. Talking from beyond the stall… So not cool.
12. The Peeker – Gentlemen, you know these types of guys. They’re a little odd, or a little curious and you know if there is an opportunity to sneak a peek, they’ll be the ones that do it. Sometimes even though they know it’s wrong, they’ll throw a look while you’re talking to them or looking at them. They can’t help themselves. It’s competition to see what they’ve got and what you’ve got. The peeker will never comment but it is very awkward and from that point on, the peeker pees alone!
11. The Grunter – Ahhh, the grunter… This is the guy who holds in his stuff for so long that by the time he gets to a stall he REALLY has to go and you know it. There is grunting, moaning and the odd, “Oh yeah” with pauses for appropriate sound effects. The grunter gets so caught up into his own bathroom experience that he forgets there are dudes on the other side of the stall cringing.
10. The Clean Freak – These are the guys who immediately wash their hands upon approval to the washroom, but before they take a seat inside a stall, they takes soap and water and wash it down first. Heaven forbid that some other guy’s stuff touched the toilet. Putting toilet paper down, or a thin toilet seat cover, these guys need the bowl to sparkle and be “germ” free. These are the driven folks who succeed in organizations so they can have a washroom all to themselves.
9. The Flusher – Someone told me once that if you flush your poo right away you flush the smell too. Well studies have since shown that to not be true, yet there are some guys who still think it’s legit so they get into a stall and within the length of time it takes another guy to pee, the flusher has flushed the toilet 4 times. On the bright side, the splashing from the toilet water must be really cleaning their bottom… UGH.
8. The Blaster – This is the guy who holds his pee so long that the second he gets up to the stall his stream is so powerful like he’s trying to shoot a whole through the ceramic bowl. Sadly this guy also likes to hit the pine smelling soap at the bottom of the urinal resulting in him getting sprayed in the mid-section from his pee. He leaves the washroom covered in pee residue… Yucky. You can recognize him because as soon as he leaves the washroom, his mid-section glows from the urine. The back of his hand is also usually soaked but when he washes his hands, he’ll wash the inside and rarely the back.
7. The Misser – This is the guy who gets into the washroom and doesn’t want to make any noise when peeing, or is playing with his stream trying to make the least splash and in process usually hits the porcelain edge and winds up peeing on the floor, hence the giant puddles guys have come known to look out for when approaching a urinal. Then the next guy comes in, sees the puddle and does his stuff from a foot back from the urinal which means he too adds to the pool of pee on the floor and so it goes until guys give up on that urinal and go to the next one.
6. The Unbuckler – This guy makes me laugh. I worked with a guy who used to unbuckle his pants to pee, and he would drop his drawers to his mid-thigh, pull down his underwear exposing his ass cheeks and stand at the urinal with his arm leaning on the wall, legs spread to the max, and he would pee like that while looking around and trying to talk to other guys. It’s a urinal, not a social club and who the hell wants to see his ass anyways. It got to the point that when he was going to the washroom, no one else would go near it for 5 minutes for fear of meeting ass-man face to butt cheeks..
5. The No Handser – These are the guys – and we all have seen them, who think they can accurately pee in the urinal, not on the floor, not on themselves without touching their stuff at all. They also think – like my 7-year-old son does, that if they don’t touch it they don’t need to wash their hands. Well no hands is not cool, and you still have to wash your hands so grab a hold and get it over with.
4. The Wiggler – The wiggler guy is the guy who finishes peeing and before he steps away he takes his stuff and frantically wiggles it all around, smacking it on the side of the urinal in efforts to get all the pee out. The problem with the frantic wiggle is that there is no way to control where that left over pee goes so while some may drop into the urinal, the rest sprays all over the place.
3. The Newspaper Bringer – Ahhh, the newspaper bringer. This describes the guy who is heading for the washroom and intends on being there a while so he picks up a newspaper from someone’s desk along the way, tucks it under his arm, and proceeds to set up camp inside a stall. What makes this guy so clueless is when he returns from his 20 minutes of quiet time and proceeds to drop that newspaper back on the desk of the person he borrowed it from with a cheerful “thank you”. He doesn’t understand that the person he borrowed the paper from does not wish to have back the paper after he’s read it who doing his business and before he washed his hands… Just the thought makes me shudder.
2. The I’m Aloner – The I’m alone guy is the guy who is clearly uncomfortable in a public washroom with other men around. Someone must have commented on the size of his stuff when he was younger because he stresses out in the washroom resulting in him walking in, ignoring everyone, doing his stuff, washing up efficiently and getting the hell out as quickly as possible. This type of guy possibly holds his breath the entire time in case there is a foul odor in the bathroom. It’s best to just get out of their way and let them go.
1. The Held it Too Longer – This guy makes me laugh because he holds his stuff for as long as he possibly can and you know as he’s racing to the bathroom he’s already imaging the relief of doing his business that he is already unzipping or unbuckling even before he gets inside the washroom.
This kind of guy is in his own world because he doesn’t want to be the guy who filled his drawers so if he enters the washroom and there is no toilet or urinal available he actually looks at the sink as a viable option while trying to determine if he waits or heads to another floor.
Don’t try talking to this guy, he’ll bite your head off and he’s probably now having a conversation with himself as his kidneys begin to ache. He won’t even buckle up as he flees the washroom in search of another and when he finally does get in there could be a dead body on the floor he won’t notice, he’s too busy saying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” as he goes on with his business.
Unfortunately he is traumatized and needs some considerable time to replay the encounter in his head and I’m positive he thanking his lucky stars that as he came into the washroom, already undone and ready to go that he did not run into Mr. Ass Cheeks.
Honorable mention to the take no prisoners guy who comes in, does his stuff and leaves a disaster in his wake – toilet paper everywhere, paper towels and soap everywhere else and body fluids in places it should not be in an office environment.
If I still had a smart phone I would be able to pull off to the side of the road whenever my kids say something funny or clever and tweet it right away, however until that happens again, I’m stuck making notes on pieces of paper then throwing them into a blog post entitled something like this one.
Here is the driving force behind this post;
In the car on our way up North this past weekend Ms. Urban Daddy asked the children the following question; “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Linus responded first; “I want to be a policeman!”.
Stewie responded next; “I want to be everything!”. His justification was that if he did everything then he could do what he really liked the most and he would make a LOT of money and be famous.
I guess being “Stewie” on this successful, top-rated Canadian daddy blog is not enough.
Dream big, little man!
Berry, the youngest and last to respond said; “I want to be a poo” at which point the three kids burst into giggles. Nice! Corrupt the poor little girl.
Let the record show I’m not surprised by the boys’ choices, however I have higher expectations for my princess…
I also caught Stewie later that day calling his older brother a “Stupid ass”.
Poor Berry has decided she no longer likes to pee. Not sure if something hurts or not – I asked her a couple days ago if it hurt to pee and she said yes, it did, and when I asked he to touch where it hurt she touched he right elbow.
“Your right elbow hurts when you pee?” I asked her
“Yes!” she replied. “I hurt myself”.
Not taking that to be the only ailment, my wife took her to the doctor later that week and in the testing for symptoms, the doctor thought it would be a good idea of little Berry pee’d in the cup so they could check her urine. While that test was negative, we’re still wondering what’s going on with her, physical or psychological.
I received the update on the doctor’s appointment from mummy and baby – with some prompting from mummy to recall the details.
“I went to the Doctor, Daddy!”
“I pee’d on the doctor, Daddy”
In response to how did you get upstairs to the doctor’s office, she blurted out this;
“I went in the alligator”.
Such a proud little girl.
I would have pee’d on the doctor too if my mummy made me ride in an alligator to get there.
The three items listed in my title will probably never, ever be explained.
Are crop circles an elaborate hoax perpetrated by a bunch of schemers? Who really killed JFK, was it one shooter or the CIA or the mob? And how kids brains work…
Since this is a daddy blog first and foremost, let me expand on the last item.
Readers of this blog will recall the issues we’ve been having getting Stewie out of his night-time pull ups. He was quick to train during the day – 2 1/2 if my memory serves me correctly, but it took him until about 4 1/2 to stop soiling his pull-up at night. The most difficult thing to do has been to get him to understand what he was doing because when he went to sleep he knew not to do that, but when he woke up, he seemed surprised – and a little disappointed – that it had happened. And to be honest, I don’t think he consciously stopped doing it, I think he just created a pattern which did not include a night-time bowel movement.
Getting him to stop peeing at night, however, has been a disaster.
I tried waking him up ever couple hours to pee, I tried no water before bed, I tried making him pee three times before he sleeps, we tried the double pull up… He hated that one! I tried explaining it to him and I tried mocking him (sorry), by telling him babies wear diapers. His response to that was to not wear a pull-up to bed, then sleeping in a pool of pee.
For the past year and a half he’s slept with a rubber sheet under his sheet and on top of that is a towel which absorbs some of the pee but never enough as he continues to pee through his diapers, then pull-ups. Neither Huggies nor Pampers helped. We tried all brands, all styles. The Pampers Under Jams have worked the best of all the night-time items, they hold a lot of urine! I told him they are night time underwear, and not diapers… Whew. The Huggies Pull-ups, on the other hand worked for one pee, but when the floodgates were open they were pretty much useless.
Compounding this problem was the fact that he wanted to sleep in bed with mummy, every night for the last 5 months and she couldn’t have him in her bed without him peeing first, changing a full pull-up and a towel on the bed… A lot of work at 2, 3 or 4 in the morning for either of us.
I think the most frustrating part here is that the whole time Stewie knew he was doing this. He said he was “too tired” to get up to pee.
A couple of times I would take him to pee and he a little bit of pee would trickle out, then we would put on his pull up and within seconds it would be full.
I would glare at him, he would smile. Such a cute face…
Then out of nowhere, just days after his 5th birthday, the little bugger woke up completely dry. I asked him what happened and he said he got up to pee (I know he did not). I think he just decided he was going to hold it… Finally.
He just decided to hold it.
Every night for that week, I would walk into his room, and check to see that he was wearing his pull-up, then see how wet it, or he was. It’s been completely dry.
Then he started getting annoyed. Annoyed that for the past year and a half we’ve been doing the poke test on him. Poking to see if he’s wearing his pull-up, poking him to see if it’s full and now in the last 3 days, poking him to see if he’s wet.
Just last night, he came into our room, I rushed to move him back to his room, but he returned shortly thereafter (“I NEED mummy!”) he cries, so I took him to his room again and laid down with him.
Every now and then I would reach over and give the poke test, to which he promptly replied; “Stop poking me, Daddy. I’m still dry!”.
Well… Excuse me!!!
How he just decided to do this after all this time and all the pee… Is a mystery!
But the mystery gets even more clouded when just over a week later, he was back to his old ways. Fll pull-ups, wet bed, sometimes right through to the towel, or sheets.
Since this is very normal and very common, I’m not overly bothered by it. I hope he turns it on again soon, but in the interim He’ll keep peeing and I’ll keep bugging him.
How did they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar?!?