Friday January 13th. I think I’m supposed to be afraid today of black cats, open ladders, and a bunch of other crap which has been debunked by science, but not being a superstitious guy, I thought I could help parents with 13 things they really need to worry about – not just on Friday the 13th.
Please read and comment with tongue planted firmly in your cheek. They are all true, however, your level of worry and fear will be determined by the age of your children and the number of children you have – meaning more kids usually equals less fears…
Sit tight, watch out for open ladders and let’s go!
13. Kids + playdates + school = germs and sickness. Remember that anti-bacterial anything is evil and make sure that you’ve got all of your natural and medical aides on hand plus a ton of tissues. You’ll forget what it’s like to be healthy every now and then.
12. It’s best to never sit in on a child’s playdate because you will be mortified by what your child says / does and you’ll want to send them to boarding school or never allow them to have playdates again.
11. Clothing – when kids are young, you buy them colours they like and you stock up, but then that day will come when they will hate everything in their drawers and refuse to go to school. You can’t plan for this day, you can’t take them with you and buy what they want only. They wake up hating everyone…
10. … and everyone. Prior to the wardrobe catastrophe, comes the parenting realization that they just can’t stand you / can’t stand to be around you / be seen with you / won’t hold your hand in public. IT’s really hard to accept, considering all that you’ve done for them (ungrateful), that is until…
9. … They need stuff and they need it to be fancy, and expensive and they need it now. No longer is that 10-year old Wii that they never play with good enough, because little Jimmy has a PS4, and little Jane has an X-box… When they need something they will be in your face all the time, remind you a thousand times a day, and go between begging and anger as they try to figure out what it will take to get you to do as they say. They’ll drive you to the cliff of sanity and if pushing you over gets them what they want, I hope you’ve packed a parachute.
8. Kids are great at negotiating their position when they want something but when you need them to clean their rooms, pick up after themselves, or clean their dishes off the table, good luck! Nothing can be more frustrating to parents than having kids who just cannot / or refuse to understand the basic premise of cleanliness
7. Beware school bags and lunch boxes, especially after 2-weeks of holiday break. The contents of a plastic container which at one time held lunch but now contains a vomit-scented science experiment can scar a parent for life.
6. I don’t need to go into great detail here, but children’s underwear which get tossed in the laundry and have sat there for a couple of day and should have been brought to the parents’ attention before they smell / touch / spread throughout the rest of the laundry / house.
5. As a child I was scarred when someone came into our school (likely Public Health) with these pink chew tablets and when we chewed them the plaque on our teeth turned dark pink. I was horrified to chew the tablets but also became a fanatical tooth brusher / flosser later in life. If they tool was still available, and we gave them to our children, the result would be horrifying, especially when we pass the tooth brushing on to them.
4. Find the kids hiding spot in the house / car… I dare you. The candy wrappers, chewed gum (especially if you don’t let them chew gum) and other crap they have accumulated / borrowed / stolen / broken would make you tear out your hair.
3. Sleep! UGH. You’ll never get enough, never make up the lost sleep, which makes you look and feel older, and forget sleeping in your own bed! There are nights where I have slept in every child’s bed with them because of; nightmares, weather, threat of bad weather, sickness, threat of sickness, loneliness, manipulation, I woke them up, or because they’re kids and kids are awesome and just want the attention. Spending quality time with your kids and being there for them is awesome because there will come a day when the think you’re gross, but as for your sleep… Forget about it! It’s over.
2. When girls and boys go from being “yucky” and “gross” to silence. That silence means they have taken notice and it might be time for that puberty check (armpit hair). Then it’s a whole different ball game, my friends! A completely different set of nightmares and worries.
1. Once you get it all figured out and everything seems to be in order (meaning you finally broke them and they are fully complying, or they’re moving out to go to University) you realize just how much you’re going to miss them. Miss picking up after them. Miss telling them to chew with their mouths shut. Miss giving them advice and miss their company, their senses of humour, and they ability to lighten up a room (or clear that room).
So make sure this Friday the 13th, after you explain to your kids the myths and superstitions, that you hug them, kiss them and tell them you love them.
Deep down they love you too and might even admit it today (but take it back tomorrow).
… Is that a black cat!!!