Today is Friday the 13th! Here are 13 things Parents really should be weary of…


Friday January 13th.  I think I’m supposed to be afraid today of black cats, open ladders, and a bunch of other crap which has been debunked by science, but not being a superstitious guy, I thought I could help parents with 13 things they really need to worry about – not just on Friday the 13th.

Please read and comment with tongue planted firmly in your cheek.  They are all true, however, your level of worry and fear will be determined by the age of your children and the number of children you have – meaning more kids usually equals less fears…

Sit tight, watch out for open ladders and let’s go!

13.  Kids + playdates + school = germs and sickness.  Remember that anti-bacterial anything is evil and make sure that you’ve got all of your natural and medical aides on hand plus a ton of tissues.  You’ll forget what it’s like to be healthy every now and then.

12.  It’s best to never sit in on a child’s playdate because you will be mortified by what your child says / does and you’ll want to send them to boarding school or never allow them to have playdates again.

11.  Clothing – when kids are young, you buy them colours they like and you stock up, but then that day will come when they will hate everything in their drawers and refuse to go to school.  You can’t plan for this day, you can’t take them with you and buy what they want only.   They wake up hating everyone…

10.  … and everyone.  Prior to the wardrobe catastrophe, comes the parenting realization that they just can’t stand you / can’t stand to be around you / be seen with you / won’t hold your hand in public.  IT’s really hard to accept, considering all that you’ve done for them (ungrateful), that is until…

9.  … They need stuff and they need it to be fancy, and expensive and they need it now.  No longer is that 10-year old Wii that they never play with good enough, because little Jimmy has a PS4, and little Jane has an X-box…  When they need something they will be in your face all the time, remind you a thousand times a day, and go between begging and anger as they try to figure out what it will take to get you to do as they say.  They’ll drive you to the cliff of sanity and if pushing you over gets them what they want, I hope you’ve packed a parachute.

8.   Kids are great at negotiating their position when they want something but when you need them to clean their rooms, pick up after themselves, or clean their dishes off the table, good luck!  Nothing can be more frustrating to parents than having kids who just cannot / or refuse to understand the basic premise of cleanliness

7.   Beware school bags and lunch boxes, especially after 2-weeks of holiday break.  The contents of a plastic container which at one time held lunch but now contains a vomit-scented science experiment can scar a parent for life.

6.   I don’t need to go into great detail here, but children’s underwear which get tossed in the laundry and have sat there for a couple of day and should have been brought to the parents’ attention before they smell / touch / spread throughout the rest of the laundry / house.

5.   As a child I was scarred when someone came into our school (likely Public Health) with these pink chew tablets and when we chewed them the plaque on our teeth turned dark pink.  I was horrified to chew the tablets but also became a fanatical tooth brusher / flosser later in life.   If they tool was still available, and we gave them to our children, the result would be horrifying, especially when we pass the tooth brushing on to them.

4.   Find the kids hiding spot in the house / car… I dare you.  The candy wrappers, chewed gum (especially if you don’t let them chew gum) and other crap they have accumulated / borrowed / stolen / broken would make you tear out your hair.

3.   Sleep!  UGH.  You’ll never get enough, never make up the lost sleep, which makes you look and feel older, and forget sleeping in your own bed!  There are nights where I have slept in every child’s bed with them because of; nightmares, weather, threat of bad weather, sickness, threat of sickness, loneliness, manipulation, I woke them up, or because they’re kids and kids are awesome and just want the attention.  Spending quality time with your kids and being there for them is awesome because there will come a day when the think you’re gross, but as for your sleep… Forget about it!  It’s over.

2.   When girls and boys go from being “yucky” and “gross” to silence.  That silence means they have taken notice and it might be time for that puberty check (armpit hair).  Then it’s a whole different ball game, my friends!  A completely different set of nightmares and worries.

1. Once you get it all figured out and everything seems to be in order (meaning you finally broke them and they are fully complying, or they’re moving out to go to University) you realize just how much you’re going to miss them.  Miss picking up after them.  Miss telling them to chew with their mouths shut.  Miss giving them advice and miss their company, their senses of humour, and they ability to lighten up a room (or clear that room).

 

So make sure this Friday the 13th, after you explain to your kids the myths and superstitions, that you hug them, kiss them and tell them you love them.

Deep down they love you too and might even admit it today (but take it back tomorrow).

… Is that a black cat!!!

 

Aaaarrrrrggghhhhhh.

Man, I Feel Old… Or Uncool… Or Both


What the heck is a “dab”?

Seriously…

Where did it start and why are kids “dabbing” all the time…

When I was young, me and my pet dinosaur never dabbed… We were too busy walking 20km to and from school in 10 feet of snow, uphill both ways, with shoes which had holes in them because we used to actually go outside and run around when we had a free moment.

We didn’t dab!!!

The world is not a better / safer place from the Dab!

Unless I can dab while karate chopping someone with my lead dabbing arm…

Ugh.

Whatever!

This fad will go the way of the Bell Bottom jeans, the Beehive hairdo and the Macarena, right!

Stuff…


STUFF

When you type this into your iphone email: “I’ll let you knowcloser to the date”, your phone automatically corrects it to this: “I’ll let you know loser…”

That’s a good typo to catch!

Speaking of auto-correct… I like typing the word “Oy”, as in “Oy Vey”, but everytime I type “Oy”, it gets corrected to “it”.  I really need to figure out the override on this thing, eh?

……..

I’ve become folic-ly challenged – not surprising since I’ve heard that your hairline is determined by your mother’s father’s hairline and my grandfather was bald for as long as I can remember.

Long lost are the days of the mullet, and the crazy dark black, wavy hair. My kids never got to see that hair, but my oldest son, Linus, inserted this comment into a discussion about my hair recently:

“You’re a little bald like the ocean is a little wet!”

After realizing my mouth was wide open – not because I was upset at all – but because I was amazed and impressed with the analogy.  He’s awesome!

…….

 

A couple of weeks ago there was a Toronto Police officer in his cool grey police car sitting at the end of the street where my daughter attends school because there are a whole bunch of cars who go the wrong way on this one way street.

In typical Toronto police fashion, the officer was talking to everyone who passed by, offered to answer questions and in typical Boo fashion my daughter was dying to meet the officer. After a quick meet and greet he let her sit in the car (in the front, not the back) and she was just beaming.

She wanted to take the car for a spin which he wisely declined…

There is no better way to remind children that the police are here to “Serve and Protect” than through public relations like that, unless you count last night when two mounted officers walked by our house and stopped when my kids came flying out of the house to say hello.

The officers spent a good 5-minutes with the kids, talked about safety in the area and my kids explained how their presence slowed down the traffic on our street especially at a particular stop sign close to our house where 90% of the cars barely do a rolling stop.

We also learned that apples can kill horses and that horses love carrots!

Who knew?!?

It was also the closest I’ve ever been to a horse and those babies are massive!

The mounted unit sitting on top of those horses are very intimidating to say the least, but the horses alone do that job!

Toronto’s Cops are Tops!

 

 

Lemmy from Motorhead has died! His Life Comes with a Parental Advisory: Kids Don’t Try This At Home!


Here is an example of how parenting evolves as our kids get older;

Just before the new year came news that Motörhead frontman Ian Kilmister, simply known as “Lemmy” had died after a brief battle with an aggressive form of cancer.  Kilmister – famous for his handlebar moustache, villians cowboy hat, mutton chops and a mole on his face was 70-years-old.

As I sat down to write this post, I realized at that time that I was not a Motorhead fan.  I didn’t really like their “big” hit, “Ace of Spades” and to be honest, I really knew nothing about the band until they penned the theme song for then WWE superstar Triple H / Now CEO of WWE, Hunter Hurst Helmsley.

Doing some research I learned and interesting fact about Lemmy, that he was once a roadie for legendary guitarist Jimi Hendrix, and that he formed Motörhead in 1975 after being kicked out of a band named Hawkwind.  I learned that Hawkwind was a space-rock outfit so warped, that their lead singer/poet once came onstage in a witch’s hat and attacked Lemmy with a sword.  I can’t see how he would have fit in with an outfit like that.

After all, Motörhead did okay for themselves, releasing 22 studio albums over 38 years.

But with all that what people were really talking about was the fact that Lemmy loved being on the road – claims he slept with over 1000 women – but he also claimed he was going to sell his facial warts on eBay (UGH!).  He loved the drugs and the booze and I remember reading somewhere that by 1980, his doctor told him, “You don’t have human blood any more. And you can’t give blood, either. Forget it, you’d kill the average person because you’re so toxic.”

He did “claim” in recent years to have given up his daily regimen of a bottle of Jack Daniels with Coke – in favour of vodka with healthy orange juice.

Yes, Lemmy passed away at 70-years-old, and by all accounts because of his partying and lack of attention to his health, its amazing that he did.  I feel it’s important to have that conversation with our children who hear about people like Lemmy and think that it’s okay to treat their bodies this way, because it’s just not true.

Word on the street was that Lemmy died sitting at home in front of his favourite video game.  He played rock music and he loved WWII memorabilia.  He might seem to be a rock g-d to adults who grew up thinking that was cool – but to the younger generation I think we owe it to them to also let them know both sides of everyone, and that as he aged, Lemmy had to cancel shows due to a hematoma, respiratory issues, and a heart condition for which he was fitted with a defibrillator.

Years of abuse caught up to him.  He forgot lyrics to songs, and walked off stage at concerts because he couldn’t do it anymore.

Fans of the band from back in the day and fans from their recent WWE success will mourn the musician and curious fans will read about Lemmy, the rock legend.  Hopefully there are articles about him which present both sides of the man and comes with a warning message to children…

Kids.  Don’t try this at home!

THIS is What Weighs on the Minds of the Youth of Today…


I wish that I could get into the head of my children!

It seems to be WAY more fun in there, than in the “real” world and sometimes you can just tell when you look at them that they are off in their own world probably having a great time.

Sometime I forget that children possess a combination of curiosity, and I-don’t-care in the way they look at life and when you take into account their naivety, and their innocence, its no wonder they want to be in their own little world.

But to hear what they are thinking about can come at an unexpected time and can often be refreshing and hilarious, take for example the comment blurted out in the car by my son Stewie;

“By the time I am ready to buy a car there won’t be any good license plates left…”

Ummmm…

Yes, that might be the case, my wife and I struck with silence and as processed this odd comment, and of course, he was not finished, so he completed his thought with this;

“I’ll get stuck with a sucky license plate like Poop-so.”

So not only was he concerned that all of the good license plates will have been taken in, what, 10-15 years when he will have his own car,  but he has actually given thought to what that license plate he will be stuck with, will say.

“Poop-so”.

Well, son, Poop-so is a pretty cool license plate.