Thursday Thirteen: 13 Hilarious Search Terms…


After reading this post below at That’s What Anxious Mom Said, I felt compelled to add my own list below.

Some odd people visit my blog, and I don’t just mean those of you who pop in on a regular basis. More often that not, the terms search terms WordPress shows me that people used to get to this blog are fairly unusual. Sometimes they’re downright creepy. (Thank god I can’t see them all, or […]

via I Said What? — That’s What Anxious Mom Said

 

Here are the most recent hilarious search terms which brought visitors – maybe even you – to my blog;

  1. Belinda Stronach is married to Han Solo

  2. Michael Jackson’s favourite Starbucks drink

  3. I called my kid a dumbass

  4. My Dad called me an asshole

  5. Our nanny is pregnant!

  6. How to pay a nanny under the table

  7. How tall is Todd Talbot

  8. Santa Claus porn (ugh)

  9. What is one-month after Valentines Day called

  10. Where does Belgium border Canada?

  11. My Dad called me a dumbass

  12. My son is a dumbass

  13. My daughter is a dumbass

 

And so much more…

It would appear that in the past month, my posts about calling your child a dumbass, my interview with Todd Talbot and my writing on the Canadian Live-In Caregiver Program have been the most active.

I’ll have to re-visit this again next month, but excuse me while I cross the border into Belgium…

 

 

Daily Prompt: Replacement


via Daily Prompt: Replacement

Thoughts swirling through my head around the word “replacement”.  In my life, what could replace me, or what (whom) could I replace?

What about in other aspects of society?  Where could the world benefit from replacement, aside from the office of the President of the United States of America where some recent decision scare the crap out of many, while bringing the “protectionist” US back to a time when they turned away other immigrants who were slaughtered by the Nazi’s.

Instead of having a “Trump” card, or a “Veto”, the US needs a “Replacement” vote which should allow the majority of their citizens to have stupid / racist / sexist decisions replaced by common sense ones.

Just a thought….

 

But about me, as a Dad, husband, and tax services professional – I recently had that conversation with my kids about my wife’s new best friend… Art.  She loves Art, and Art makes her feel good.

Art, you see, is not a person, but is what artists do, and my wife has become one seriously talented artist.  Watching her create is exciting and seeing the final product is awe inspiring, but I digress.  “Art” would be a suitable replacement for me.

My kids, however, wonder if “Art” were to be their next daddy, how “he” would treat them.

I told them since “Art” is not a real person, we could pretend that “Art” was really rich… like Bill Gates rich, and “Art” would buy them whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted… And then if “Art” had a huge family then it could help expand our super-small family.  That would be cool right?

They liked the thought, but felt that getting what they wanted, whenever they wanted would become boring after a while, and they kind of like me as their Dad… Awwww.

So “Art” would replace me as a husband, but not as a Dad, while common sense would replace dumb, racist political decisions.

Replacement might be the word of the day, but it offers the best opportunities for everyone to be happy.  At least I think it does.

Today is Friday the 13th! Here are 13 things Parents really should be weary of…


Friday January 13th.  I think I’m supposed to be afraid today of black cats, open ladders, and a bunch of other crap which has been debunked by science, but not being a superstitious guy, I thought I could help parents with 13 things they really need to worry about – not just on Friday the 13th.

Please read and comment with tongue planted firmly in your cheek.  They are all true, however, your level of worry and fear will be determined by the age of your children and the number of children you have – meaning more kids usually equals less fears…

Sit tight, watch out for open ladders and let’s go!

13.  Kids + playdates + school = germs and sickness.  Remember that anti-bacterial anything is evil and make sure that you’ve got all of your natural and medical aides on hand plus a ton of tissues.  You’ll forget what it’s like to be healthy every now and then.

12.  It’s best to never sit in on a child’s playdate because you will be mortified by what your child says / does and you’ll want to send them to boarding school or never allow them to have playdates again.

11.  Clothing – when kids are young, you buy them colours they like and you stock up, but then that day will come when they will hate everything in their drawers and refuse to go to school.  You can’t plan for this day, you can’t take them with you and buy what they want only.   They wake up hating everyone…

10.  … and everyone.  Prior to the wardrobe catastrophe, comes the parenting realization that they just can’t stand you / can’t stand to be around you / be seen with you / won’t hold your hand in public.  IT’s really hard to accept, considering all that you’ve done for them (ungrateful), that is until…

9.  … They need stuff and they need it to be fancy, and expensive and they need it now.  No longer is that 10-year old Wii that they never play with good enough, because little Jimmy has a PS4, and little Jane has an X-box…  When they need something they will be in your face all the time, remind you a thousand times a day, and go between begging and anger as they try to figure out what it will take to get you to do as they say.  They’ll drive you to the cliff of sanity and if pushing you over gets them what they want, I hope you’ve packed a parachute.

8.   Kids are great at negotiating their position when they want something but when you need them to clean their rooms, pick up after themselves, or clean their dishes off the table, good luck!  Nothing can be more frustrating to parents than having kids who just cannot / or refuse to understand the basic premise of cleanliness

7.   Beware school bags and lunch boxes, especially after 2-weeks of holiday break.  The contents of a plastic container which at one time held lunch but now contains a vomit-scented science experiment can scar a parent for life.

6.   I don’t need to go into great detail here, but children’s underwear which get tossed in the laundry and have sat there for a couple of day and should have been brought to the parents’ attention before they smell / touch / spread throughout the rest of the laundry / house.

5.   As a child I was scarred when someone came into our school (likely Public Health) with these pink chew tablets and when we chewed them the plaque on our teeth turned dark pink.  I was horrified to chew the tablets but also became a fanatical tooth brusher / flosser later in life.   If they tool was still available, and we gave them to our children, the result would be horrifying, especially when we pass the tooth brushing on to them.

4.   Find the kids hiding spot in the house / car… I dare you.  The candy wrappers, chewed gum (especially if you don’t let them chew gum) and other crap they have accumulated / borrowed / stolen / broken would make you tear out your hair.

3.   Sleep!  UGH.  You’ll never get enough, never make up the lost sleep, which makes you look and feel older, and forget sleeping in your own bed!  There are nights where I have slept in every child’s bed with them because of; nightmares, weather, threat of bad weather, sickness, threat of sickness, loneliness, manipulation, I woke them up, or because they’re kids and kids are awesome and just want the attention.  Spending quality time with your kids and being there for them is awesome because there will come a day when the think you’re gross, but as for your sleep… Forget about it!  It’s over.

2.   When girls and boys go from being “yucky” and “gross” to silence.  That silence means they have taken notice and it might be time for that puberty check (armpit hair).  Then it’s a whole different ball game, my friends!  A completely different set of nightmares and worries.

1. Once you get it all figured out and everything seems to be in order (meaning you finally broke them and they are fully complying, or they’re moving out to go to University) you realize just how much you’re going to miss them.  Miss picking up after them.  Miss telling them to chew with their mouths shut.  Miss giving them advice and miss their company, their senses of humour, and they ability to lighten up a room (or clear that room).

 

So make sure this Friday the 13th, after you explain to your kids the myths and superstitions, that you hug them, kiss them and tell them you love them.

Deep down they love you too and might even admit it today (but take it back tomorrow).

… Is that a black cat!!!

 

Aaaarrrrrggghhhhhh.

Happy New Year!


Happy New Year, for all of us here at The Urban Daddy!  Okay, so that’s just me, but it sounds better when it’s coming for a bunch of people, right?

You might have noticed a few changes around here if you arrive at the blog via the URL http://www.urbandaddy.wordpress.com.  The theme and cover photo have been changed again and I’m taking this blog back to basics which means more content and less focus on what the heck I’m saying and how it’s being written.

I miss the old days when I would throw up a post and the only reader and only comment would be from my sister who would edit it for me in her comment.  LOL.

You might also have noticed that little “R” inside a circle after “The Urban Daddy” and that is because I have registered the trademark “The Urban Daddy”.  After 1200 posts covering over 12-years, it was only a matter of time, right?

Another new change is the URL.  You can access this blog via http://www.theurbandaddy.ca as well, as I finally had enough time to activate that URL which I’ve owned for the past 5-years.

I hope everyone has a healthy, wealthy and peaceful 2017, and I’d like to end this post with a tidbit of wisdom from my now 7-year-old daughter, who blurted this out on New Years’ Day for some unknown reason;

 

“In order to have money and not be poor when you are older, you need to earn and save money now when you are young!”

 

A fiscal conservative at the core!

 

Thoughts for a hot, slow Wednesday…


As we near the end of July, and the weather in Toronto remains really hot, dry and humid, I begin to find new and creative ways to get through the massive pile of work from my business, while also finding time to take care of things around the home and try to blog every once in a while…

Today was not one of those creative days.

I was stopped at a red light – thoughts racing through my head – which prompted me to take out a pen and paper and write some notes down, with the intention of turning those thoughts into a blog post…

Fast forward 3 hours, and those scribbles are just scribbles.

But I’m going to try to turn them into actual content momentarily, so bear with me, and please feel free to share your thoughts, or point out other Canadian blogs worthy of attention.

Here goes!

On the weekend we took in the BIG on Bloor festival which ran from Lansdowne Ave to Dufferin Ave., and it was great!  Loved the foods, the arts and crafts and the weather helped us enjoy the day (it was only 30 degrees Celsius that day).

We got down there on the TTC a touch early, so we found some Pokémon creatures, and grabbed a bite to eat at a wonderful Vegan restaurant called D-Beatstro.  Would love a place like this in our neighbourhood (once the Subway / LRT construction is finished in 6 years, of course).  The food was awesome, inexpensive, and there was a seating area in the back with games for the kids.

My only concern was what would I use to whiten my coffee without having any cream in the house?!?  I passed on the coffee and had water instead!

Then we walked, enjoyed, kept walking and walking and walking until we got to Bathurst St., where we made a mental note to come back to Honest Ed’s with the kids and headed home.

Big on Bloor was our compromise on a fun day out with 2/3rds of the family as we were going to take a day trip to lovely Aberfoyle, Ontario to visit the antique market.  That was put off for another day!

 

Other random thoughts:

I heard More than Words by Extreme on the 90’s on 9 station on Sirius XM radio which was proceeded by Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins.  Two great 90’s songs which reminded my of anything sung by Melissa Etheridge (Bring Me Some Water), or Be Your Shelter by Taylor Dayne, or anything from Jewel in the 90’s.

This got me thinking that there was a time – I swear there was – when Gary Sharone from Extreme was the lead singer for Van Halen!  I know a few years ago, I went onto You Tube looking for proof and there was zero proof.  I spoke to a friend in media who swore this never happened…

Anyways… Here is the uber popular (or not) Fire in the Hole from Van Halen with Gary Cherone from the uber popular (or not) Lethal Weapon 4.

Was there even a Lethal Weapon 4???  Crap.  Maybe it really didn’t happen after all…

What’s worse, is that here is “I Can’t Drive 55” singer Sammy Hager singing “When It’s Love” by Van Halen, with Gary Cherone…  It’s NSFW and it’s giving me a headache!

 

Speaking of Sirius XM, I used to LOVE channel 37, Octane, but now… Not so much!  They’ve started playing music which has a lot of screaming – something I would expect from the heavy metal station on channel 40, but something which I detest.  I think the program directors need to listen to 97.7 Hitz FM out of St. Catherines, Ontario and figure out how to mix new music, popular music and the classics… They do it best.

Another reason I love my Sirius XM Radio is because of the Jason Ellis show on channel 41, Faction.  He’s great, and over the past few months he has been getting better and better.  It has, however, always puzzled me as to what happened to Raw Dog, so today I finally Googled it and learned that he quit the show in 2013.  Oops.

I’ll end this blog post with a great video from Van Halen (with Sammy Hagar), Right Now.