Before you choose to have children (or have unprotected sex) you must read this first!


Ahhh children.

So cute.

So kind.

NOT.

Welcome to my world. Father of three beautiful, smart, children. Ahhh, they take after their mother so much (thank goodness).

Here is what you can expect if you decide to help populate the earth with your offspring.

Monday night. Baby girl who is caught up in the I-want-to-walk stage has taken 3 steps and when put to bed for the night still wants to get up and walk.

I get that. Our first child spent the better part of 3 hours from 7pm to 10pm walking in circles once he figured it out. He was the freaking energizer bunny. I thought he was just going to collapse at a moments notice.

So after a period of getting up in her crib and calling and whirling and warbling so much R2D2 would be proud, she fell asleep.

Instead of seizing this moment to get some much-needed sleep too – how many times can I get away with going to work with these bloodshot eyes before someone recommends I check into rehab – but NO, I go back to work on my laptop.

Then at 11:30pm she starts calling;

“MAMA”

“MAMA”

“DADA”

“DADA”

…and on it goes.

I ignored her hoping she will go back to sleep but conscious that urban mummy will be kept awake and she needs her rest to function normally the next day.

She continued, on and off,and at 12:30am the cries from her room were this; “WAT-TER”.

“WAT-TER”

“BLANKIE”

“BLAN-KET”

So I went to get her.

We went to the kitchen and she ate and ate and ate until almost 2am. I grabbed my office lap top and logged in to work from 12:30-2 while she hummed, sang, danced, ate, drank and every few seconds to make sure I was paying attention would say, “HI”.

At 2am I put her back in her crib and she wailed but fell asleep.

Then the boys came marching in at 6am. One had a nightmare, the other was scared.

——————————-

And just yesterday my oldest boy, 6-year-old Linus fell on the ice at school and according to his school, had a bloody lip and may have chipped his tooth.

My wife went to the school to check on him and convince him to stay the rest of the day.

She called me from the school, I was worried about the potentially chipped adult tooth, and I spoke to him. Boy was he bummed out.

I asked him if I could do something to help him out.

“I want to come to your work”.

“Sorry buddy”, I responded. “What else can I get you to help you feel better?”

“I want a hi-liter, please. All my classmates have one”, he said.

So I went and got him a blue hi-liter.

When I came home he greeted me at the door, very excited to see if I followed through. I checked his lip – no blood, no swelling, then his tooth – not chipped. Cool.

Upon taking the hi-liter out of my bad, child #2, a very tired and emotional Stewie, turned on his siren, and began to wail.

“I want a hi-liter too! It’s not fair. I hate you.”

Part laughing and part stunned, I get down to his level and explain to him that I did not know he wanted one too and I would go get him one later this week.

He didn’t stop… In fact he just got louder and more out of control. I swear he’s going to smack me one of these days…

“NO DADDY!!! It’s NOT fair.”

I calmly asked him to stop yelling or he would have to go to his room and come back when he was in control. “You have the right to be upset”, I said, “But I do not want to be standing her while you yell at me. If you want to talk to me, please come down”.

He continued.

I went to walk him up to his room, but he took off running… Through the front foyer, into the living room, through the dining room and into the kitchen.

I tackled him in the kitchen, then carried him up to his room while he berated me the entire way about this not being fair.

“You are 4, your brother is 6. His classmates have one, he asked me for one”.

“No DADDY. IT’S NOT FAIR. IT’S MY FAVOURITE TOY!!!”

“I’m sorry, what??” Now I’m laughing… “It’s your favourite toy?!?”

“YES DADDY. I WANT MY FAVOURITE TOY! YOU ARE NOT BEING NICE!!! I HATE YOU!!!”

“If it’s your favourite toy, what does it do?”

“I KNOW WHAT IT DOES”, he yells back, “BUT I’M NOT TELLING YOU!!!”

Giggling, “Do you? Really”

“YES I KNOW BUT I’M NOT TELLING YOU! IT’s NOT FAIR. I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU. I HATE YOU DADDY.”

Then my 6 year old pipes up with, “Stewie, it’s okay that you hate daddy because he loves you enough for both of you”.

So I put him in his room.

30 seconds later he’s back in the kitchen with my wife – his ally and protector.

Her and I talk about strategy, then I pull him aside and ask him this”.

“Would you like a hi-liter too?”

“Yes please”, he responds.

“I’ll bring you one”.

“OKAY”.

And back to his cranky self he went.

OY.  At least he didn’t call me a liar… This time.

Clearly he’s going through something as 3:15am he came into our bed and tossed and turned until I got fed up and left at 6:15.

And to make matters worse, he’s off school today because of the “storm”.

Snowmageddon… Snowtastrophe… Whatever.

Still want kids?!?

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6 thoughts on “Before you choose to have children (or have unprotected sex) you must read this first!

  1. Green Eyed Girl February 4, 2011 / 14:57

    No I have the best birth control happening right now; have a newborn!!! Nothing beats waking up every 2-3 hours a night, holding them in your arms during the day because when you put them down they wake up, hoping you’ll get to have a shower at some point, wonder if it’s worth the hassle to put the baby in the carseat for a trip to the store so you can get out…need I go on 😉

    Like

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