Thursday Thirteen


This week’s Thursday Thirteen will be about 13 really dumb things I did before I reached my Bar Mitzvah (13 years old).

13. Used to actually run away from the girls while playing kissing tag in public school

12. Fell over the handlebars of a friend’s 10-speed bike – landing on my head in the middle of an intersection – knocking myself out in the process.

11. Held my fist beside the face of one of the toughest kids in middle school, then called his name. He turned quickly, his face hit my fist – more specifically his braces chewed apart his lip – and boy was he unhappy… My classmates were surprised that I survived… It was that moment that when I realized that I possessed a high pain threshold.

10. Let a relative stranger pick my first girlfriend at school. We went “around” on and off for a while instead of actually hanging out. Granted he asked me who I “liked” but the whole process was… odd.

9. I found some “adult” magazines in the basement of our house and thought the best thing to do would be to take them to school and sell them. I made a lot of money… Until my friend’s mother became suspicious as to why a 12-year-old carried hundreds of dollars in twenty’s in his wallet.

8. Mullet… Nuff said

7. In Hebrew school, I once filled the teacher’s desk drawer full of whipped cream from the spray can. Why? I had never used a can and wanted to see how much was in it. Problem is… I have a conscience and to this day I imagine the kids coming back from recess and seeing their treat gone. The guilt eats me up inside. If I was faced with the same scenario 100 times over again, I would walk away.

6. I’m not sure how to explain this one – it’s kind of personal – but let me say that it is never a good idea to jump on someone’s back when you are a 250 pound kid for fear that you may slide down their back and pierce a certain low-hanging body part with a thick wood pencil. The tip of the pencil snapped off and later that week I pulled it out… UGH.

5. Piggy-backing on the previous one (pun intended), can you say size 52 tall jacket and size 48 pant…

4. I was a pleaser – that on its own is a dumb thing – but I remember my Dad was in Milwaukee on business and brought back for my sister and I a note pad with Michael Jackson on the front. I was young, he was getting a ton of airplay for Beat It, Billie Jean, and Thriller. So I brought it into school and showed it to a cool girl who I liked. She said she REALLY liked it so I gave it to her thinking she would appreciate it and talk to me. She didn’t. I would spend the rest of the school year seeing her use it, wondering why I gave it to her.

3. As a sufferer of migraines right up until I was 18 years old and had my wisdom teeth out, I spent 4 straight hours outside cutting the grass and digging a vegetable garden then for some stupid reason decided I needed to then ride to the convenience store and but a “Twist Shandy” with 0.5% alcohol to refresh myself.
Being thirsty and nearly exhausted I downed this drink and within one hour had the worst migraine ever which saw me incapacitated for the rest of the weekend in severe pain.

2. In grade 4 I was booted out of French class for not being able to identify a picture my teacher was showing me. I really had no idea and she was so irate that she berated me in front of the class for being juvenile (yeah, and?) and for being a clown. She sent me to the principal’s office and asked him to remove me from the class as she was fed up with my lack of seriousness.
Before the principal called my parents he walked me back to the classroom and asked to see the picture.
The picture contained a church, the moon, a clock that read midnight and snow.
He asked me what I told the teacher it was.
I replied that I thought it was a “rumble” as I did not know what it was.
“You seriously don’t know what this is?” He asked me in an angry tone.
“I have no idea”, I replied, now very close to tears.
“It’s a midnight mass”, he blurted out.
“What?” I said.
“Midnight mass!” he said. “You know, where people go to church…”
“Oh, I cut him off… I’m Jewish”.

Silence…

The teacher and the principal left the room.
When they returned, they apologized to me and explained the picture.
I got a great mark in the class and if I recall, did very little work the rest of the year…

1. I know everyone does this, but it’s still really dumb.
I came home from school one cold winter day and decided to stick my whole tongue, not just the tip, to our front metal screen door.
Then I panicked and ripped it off, sans a lot of skin…

If you could see me, I’m shaking my head right now at this list… What a dumb dumb.

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