News according to me…

So last night I created this (in my opinion) awesome post about my view of the top ten items in the news according to Took me about an hour and when I went to post it, this fucking site crashed and I lost it all.


This time around I thought doing it in Word first, then posting it over might be a better idea (thanks AC).

So lets give it a shot.

In the news:

Angelina Jolie, Carl Pettersson, Albert Pujols, MTV Movie Awards, Roland Garros, Trizec Properties, Wasim Jaffer, Grupo Ferrovial, Martina Hingis, Carolina Hurricanes

My take on the news:

Angelina Jolie… Where to begin?!? Hot. Smoking hot, actually. Probably the only woman alive lusted after by both men and women. Has very sexy pouty lips (like my wife), and a great body. Curvy. Not a friggin waif like those terrible role models like the Olsen Sisters, or Lindsey Lohan / Nicole Ritchie. I’d like to get those four in a room and toss a cracker on the floor. Not only would it be a meal for the day for each of them, but it would be a fight to the death. Anyways, Angelina is here because of her baby with Brad Pitt. I think the kid’s name is Shiloh Nouvel or something odd like that. I pity all the children who will be named that in the upcoming years. But I know that Brangelina are selling the first pictures of Shiloh for a lot of money and donating that money to charity. Way to go. I mean it when I say, the world needs more Angelina’s.

Carl Pettersson… No idea. Sounds Swedish and actually sounds like a composer. My luck, he’s a serial killer. Lol. Well, I know he’s not the new Prime Minister of Peru… Figured that out yesterday.

Albert Pujols… St. Louis Cardinals slugger made headlines by being put on the DL. He was on pace for like 500 home runs this year. But I can’t get rid of the feeling that all these sluggers are on steroids, like Barry “Check-swing home-run” Bonds, or Raphael “I never took steroids, I swear” Palmeiro. I know he’s young and a great hitter, but MLB is just so shady about drug-testing. Oh well. Only time will tell.

MTV Movie Awards… My memory of any MTV award show is the 1st MTV music awards show where Madonna sang “Like a Virgin” while slithering around the stage in a wedding dress. When you’re young, that slutty approach is kind of sexy. But nowadays, all award shows suck. Stupid people receiving stupid awards for doing shit. No thanks. But the awards are coming up or just passed, and really aren’t that newsworthy.

Rolland Garros… a famous South American philanthropist.. no! It’s where the French Open is being played. Men’s tennis sucks. No one wants to see a 200-mile per hour serve then no return we want to see volleys, and sexy female tennis players. Sexy conservative tennis players, which is why I don’t like the Williams sisters. Be good at what you do, but don’t throw it in anyone’s face. I know that is the American way, but please, these girls need a steady diet of humble pie.

Trizec Properties… A major building / development firm probably, I dunno, building or developing something. Odd, eh?

Wasim Jaffer… Who? Wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’ve eaten Wasim crisp breads. But this dude must be a newly elected something from somewhere, or suspected of doing something bad to nice people. Clear enough??

Grupo Ferrovial… One of the Marx brothers???

Martina Hingis… The Swiss Miss is on the comeback trail after retiring due to feet problems purportedly from her shoes and wear and tear. She’s still young and pretty damn cute. Go Martina!

Carolina Hurricanes… aka Hartford Whalers. Go Whale!!! Are up one game to none in the best of seven Stanley Cup final. Also benefit from the fact that the Oilers lost their goalie last night. This team is as cool and comfortable as any team I’ve seen this year. Just make sure you bring the cup back to Hartford, ok boys!

Now… the rest of the story…

Carl Pettersson… won his second PGA TOUR title on Sunday at the Memorial Tournament. Oy joy! Golf. Almost as exciting as car racing and the world nose-picking championships. BORING!

Brookfield Properties Corp., owner of the World Financial Center in Lower Manhattan, and buyout firm Blackstone Group agreed to acquire Trizec Properties Inc, for only $8.9 billion dollars. Oh, is that all??

Opener Wasim Jaffer stretched his second test century to an unbeaten 172 as India built a lead of 178 against West Indies on the fourth day yesterday of the opening cricket test at Antigua Recreation Ground. Cricket???? That’s a game I just don’t understand. The fucking games go on for days. They hit, and they job back and forth. How about running a little? Or making it tackle? Or buy the guys gloves? Fun to hit the ball, but otherwise a stupid game that no one, not even the English can explain the rules of.

UK airports operator BAA said yesterday it had agreed to accept a £10.3 billion ($31 billion) takeover bid from a consortium led by Spain’s Grupo Ferrovial – obviously not a Marx brother as was erroneously reported earlier. Lol. $31 billion dollars? They could have bought Trizec Properties 3 ½ times over. Bad purchase.

Oh, and Martina Hingis… Lost.

Belgian tennis star Kim Clijsters has ended former world No.1 Martina Hingis’ fairytale return to the French Open at Roland Garros.

To bad, so sad.


One thought on “News according to me…

  1. Urban Mummy June 7, 2006 / 12:55 am

    At least this time you weren’t sitting on the toilet while you were typing. Hope you didn’t do it at work!


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