I feel like I could remove myself from the family and be replaced with a giant robot with my voice to repeat over and over gain the same statements / rhetorical questions as I did this weekend, and probably have every other weekend. As a parent, you get it.
How many did you use this weekend?
1) “Stop fighting!” when breaking up a 3-way fights between the 2 boys and the girl when the girl is kicking their asses with her shrieking and bossyness.
2) “Get your finger out of your nose” or “get your fingers out of your mouth” followed by “Go wash your hands… again”, over and over again
3) “We’re in a restaurant / store and you have to behave.” But behave like you have to in one of these locations where others will look at me and I will be ambarrassed by your behaviour. Shouldn’t this just be common sense now?
4) First the story: Friday was Urban Mummy’s birthday and the kids and I bought her this magnificant glass necklace from the Petroff Gallery on Eglinton Avenue (www.petroffgallery.com) and a glass wine stopper. The Gallery had a lot of beautiful stuff there. After that purchase, we went to our favourite Indian restaurant, Indus Tavern, to pick up Indian food for dinner, over to Pharma Plus for chocolate and then on to Pizza Pizza for the kids dinner before heading over to Baskin Robbins for an ice cream cake. The cake was all the kids wanted. As a result, I must have said 40 times this weekend; “No, you cannot have cake”.
5) “Don’t hit your brother”
6) “Don’t hit your sister”
7) “No, you cannot stay up until the morning comes.”
8) “What do you say?” (after you have burped or farted – and the answer is “excuse me” sans giggles)
9) “Can you please stop banging your spoon on the table… You’re going to be a bad influence on your sister”
10) “Now go wash your hands again.”
11) “We don’t use those words.” (Used by 5-year-old Stewie to describe 7-year-old Linus. “He’s an ASS”.)
12) “Go to your room until you have clamed down, please.”
13) “Can you keep it down, please”
14) “Turn down the music.”
15) “Can you please put the food back in the fridge”
16) “Where do your dirty dishes go?”
17) “He’s not trying to “kill you”
18) “For the last time, can you please clean up your toys”
19) “Are you sure there is no laundry under your bed?”
20) “Did you pick up all the Cheerios off the floor?”
21) “Please stop clucking in my house!”
22) “Do you really think you should be making that noise at 7 in the morning?”
23) “Please go back to your room until I come get you!” (It’s only 5:30 in the morning!!!)
24) “No, we cannot go to the park now.” (It’s 6am or it’s 7pm or it’s pouring outside)
25) “No, you cannot watch TV”
26) “No you cannot have your iPad.”
27) “No, you cannot use the treadmill.”
28) “Please stop bouncing on the couches.”
29) “Is that a ball in your light fixture?”
30) Did you empty that entire bottle of organic shampoo into the bathtub? That is a $15 bottle!”
My personal favourites:
“Please start acting your age!”
“Don’t make me get up!”
“You want something to cry over!!”
OMG. I’ve become my parents!!!
I’m telling you this list could have gone on for 300 more.
Which are in your most popular list?
I am totally serious here, folks. I went to school for 12 years (didn’t need grade 13), I went to University for 5 years, and then after taking a bunch of courses here and there, I did a 3 year graduate degree. By my math, that puts me at 20 years of school. Today, I am turning 41-years-old, so that means I have been in school for almost half my life and still, my kids say, do and know things that blow me away.
A few examples are below.
This past weekend I realized that I watch a lot of wrestling on TV, when Mark Henry came on the TV and Linus blurted out, “Hey Stewie! It’s the World’s strongest man, Mark Henry”. Then of course came the questions from Stewie as to whether Mark Henry could have helped me take the treadmill downstairs instead of coach Eric, and if he would have needed just one pinkie or if he could tuck it under his arm and go.
Later in the day I was singing the theme song from new WWE star Brodus Clay and I blurted out, “Gonna call my doctor…” when Berry corrected me and said; “NO, daddy. Gonna call my Momma”… and so she sang, Should she know this???
Later that day, I sang “Gonna call my Momma” when she stopped me and said, “I don’t want to call my momma. I want to call my doctor”, and so she sang.
Another interesting thought from Stewie occurred when he asked the urban mummy if she still had her sweet tooth. Laughing, she said that she did, to which he replied, “Good! Otherwise all food would taste like dirt!”
I love listening to Berry call her brothers. She yells, “Brothers? Where are you brothers?”
Tonight, during dinner, Berry wanted to pee, and I wanted one of her brothers to take her, but she wanted me to take her. I was in the middle of making a batch of homemade pancakes. and really didn’t want to take her. I tried rationalizing with her – a no no, I know – and I explained to her, but when I was about to give up, Stewie blurted out; “Berry! You want ice cream? There is an ice cream truck in the bathroom. Go with Linus.” In a second she was gone to the bathroom with Linus so I could finish making dinner.
Also, we have a rule in the house that the kids are not allowed to climb over the couches. They do anyways, but we try to keep them from using it as a jungle gym. Today, after telling Stewie to stop climbing over the couch for the 7th time, I resorted to some good old fashion attention getting and when he jumped up I took the spatula and whacked him on his little behind. He spun, squinted his eyes at me, frowned disapprovingly at me, then said, “Don’t smack me with that spatula Daddy”. I replied to him, “But I’ve asked you 6 other times not to climb over the couch and I even told you if you did, I would remind you not to, even if it meant smacking your behind – not to hurt, but to help you remember”. At which point, he looked me right in the eyes and said, I’m telling mummy” and on came the tears.
He played me.
Linus got me today too, when someone asked me what 126 + 38 was and as I was calculating it in my head, Linus had already said 164 3 times. Oy.
So after these few examples, I ask you all, parents, have you found your kids do or say things which are way beyond their years? Like when you need your kids to program your iPad, much in the same way your parents needed you to program the VCR.
I’d love to hear your stories too.
- It’s been a while… How are you? (urbandaddy.wordpress.com)
This is also my 800th post. Whew.