Thursday Thirteen: 13 Things I Need My Children to Remember as they Grow up.

English: Pink colour (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Often, I see lists, like the one I am posting today, about things we want our children to know, learn, remember and respect, and these lists are often quite to the point if not a little on the comedic side.  My Thursday Thirteen, however, is a little different from the norm as I have provided thirteen things that I need my children – Linus, Stewie and Boo – to remember as they grow up.  On the bright side, if they ever forget (and I have not completely embarrassed them by the time I cease blogging), they can always find it here.

As parents it is our job to teach and shape our children so that one day when they begin to develop their own opinions they will be able to use what they learned from us to shape their thoughts on things they didn’t know – so they won’t hurt anyone (especially themselves) along the way.   To do otherwise by your children, would – in my opinion – be considered failure as a parent.

Here are the thirteen things I need my kids to remember as they grow up;

13. To my boys: Pink is a colour, much as red, blue, black and green. Liking pink doesn’t mean anything except that you like the colour. If someone tells you otherwise you have to remember that it’s their problem, not yours. At some point in their life, someone tied to colour pink to a negative stereotype which simply does not exist. It’s okay to buy pink items, pink clothes and paint a room pink.

12. All (My 2 boys and my girl): Your nose is NOT an appropriate place to stick your finger – and this rule always stands, whether you are 3, 7, 8 or 38. If you do visit there, in the solitude of your own room, or home, it is NOT okay to them put that finger in your mouth, on your bed, or on your clothes. If, however, you choose to pick your nose, then you must have either a kleenex or square of toilet paper for when you are finished and wash your hands after. Remember that if your hands are dirty and you place a finger in your nose (or mouth) you are putting germs in your body. You will get sick. In addition, people think it’s yucky. Don’t be that yucky kid that turns into the yucky teen, then the creepy booger-eating adult. Please.

11. All: Respect others’ personal space and belongings. There are written rules which need to obeyed when you are in a home and there are some unwritten rules which you must follow so that you will . You need to respect others and their possessions. I know children will be children, but taking, breaking, hiding or damaging something that does not belong to you is not at all what I have in mind when it comes to creating art or playful fun. Neither is it fun to touch, push, trip or get in the face of someone for any reason. In fact, this is a lesson in doing it all WRONG! If you did this to my belongings or got in my face, I would not be happy.

10. Accept others for who they really are.  In an age where bullying has taken centre stage among our youth, I hope I have taught you to see the value in differences. Race, religion, colour, accents, or dress, interests, hair style or colour, ability or disability… It doesn’t matter.  See past it all and realize that we are all humans on this planet.

9. It is okay to cry. Crying is a natural emotional response to feelings. We all do it. Men cry. Women cry. Children cry. If you begin to cry and someone calls you a baby just remember that they learned this at home and they are being taught to hold in their emotions. Feel sorry for them but don’t allow them to change how you act or how you feel.

8. Always be proud of who YOU are. You may not be the tallest kid, or the fastest, or have the best hair, but really now, who cares? As long as you stay true to who you are, everything else will fall into place.

7. Find your passion. Keep looking and searching. Never ever stop.

6. Love this planet we live on called “Earth”. Recycle, reduce, reuse.  Go as “green” as you can by being aware of how you live, shop, and of what you consume (and where that comes from).  Now go join your mother and I hug a tree.

5. Be a brother / sister. Be a friend. Be a protector. Always be good to your family, even when there is conflict. Always remember that you are all that you have. Spouses and friends are great but at the end of the day you should know and have the support of your brother/sister when you need it.  Just don’t take advantage.

4. Smart is cool. Never be ashamed of being smart or nerdy, having freckles or glasses, or loving science and math (or tax). Smart never goes out of style, it stays with you as you grow, and it will lead you down the most successful paths you can imagine.

3. All: Your body is just that, it’s your body. You can keep your hair any way or colour that you want and you can dress any way that you want, but you must remember that others will judge you and it will impact how others treat you. So long as you understand that, you may continue. Don’t let pop culture define you. I don’t know why, but today we let pop culture manipulate our youth and it’s killing them emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. From the early on fascination with princesses, to the ‘need’ for a boyfriend and big boobs, popularity, teen moms, and all the other garbage being thrown in their face – be confident going against the grain or you’ll risk selling yourself out.

2. Maintain your health. It’s life’s greatest asset.  Without good health you have nothing.  A positive approach to health encompasses physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  Healthy lifestyle choices we taught you in your youth have already helped to lay a strong foundation for continued wellness throughout your adult life.  In addition, a healthy diet, plenty of exercise, stress management, self-motivation, and remaining positive will have a huge impact on your quality of life, health, and happiness.  Honourable mention: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. Laughter is humbling. It inspires and motivates.  It keeps you real.

1. Wherever you are in life, you can come home. I will be here – always. ♥ Daddy. Remember children that you will all be my favourite children forever (and equally for your own strengths and inspirations). If you don’t believe me, ask Mummy. She will tell you the same thing.

Active for Life: Great Resource AND Cool Steve Nash Contest. Details Inside

Steve Nash(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I recently came across a cool contest run by an organization called Active For Life.  Active for Life happens to be a leading promoter of children’s physical literacy to help parents raise active and healthy kids and they are kick-starting their new year to get families thinking about getting active with an exciting contest for a chance to win a Luyou shoe autographed by Steve Nash, himself a Dad and an advocate for physical literacy, and $200 SportChek gift certificate.

This contest is currently running and it’s worth heading over to the site to see some great current articles such as;

Tips to manage your kids handheld media time, which can be found here;

or “Soccer Skills, not Trophies, leads to success” which can be found here.

As a Dad blogger, I hadn’t really heard of physical literacy before seeing this, but I’ve learned an incredible amount over the last few months and this site is great for offering suggestions to keep children active and healthy.

Active for Life is the place where parents go to learn about how to make a difference in the health and happiness of their children. Research shows there’s a right way and a right time to develop the fundamental movement and sport skills that benefit kids for their entire lives. Learning these basic movement and sports skills is known as becoming physical literate.

Being physically literate is the foundation for being successful in sport and in life. Physical literacy gives active kids the best chance at becoming top-level athletes who may someday compete in high-performance sport. It also results in them leading an active life. And as the word “literacy” implies, just like reading, writing and arithmetic, movement skills need to be taught.

The website offers expert advice, inspirational tips and activity ideas which can help us, as parents, make sure our children get their recommended daily amount of physical activity and we all know that active kids become active adults.

Physical literacy, is about giving our kids the physical foundational skills to enable them to stay active for life – able to participate in a range of physical activities.  What I like about this in particular is the down-to-earth information and articles that provide practical direction in how to incorporate physical literacy into family life and some of the do’s and don’ts around it to help us get it right.  Their website is a magazine format that provides a ton of information and a very cool skills-builder tool which helps when we want to look at what skills to work on with kids at a given age.

You can find out more and enter the contest here.

It’s a great cause, and a very cool contest.  Active for Life can also be found on Facebook and Twitter.

What can you expect from your nanny: Non-child care responsibilities.

Light housekeeping?!?

Parents hire nannies to take care of their children.  There is also an expectation that there will be some non-child care responsibilities related to the role, such as; taking care of any dishes used, some cooking here and there, some light cleaning associated to the children or family and possibly some laundry. 

From all the emails and comments I have received over the years, it is accurate to say that some parents forget that the primary responsibility for a nanny is child care and there is an expectation that their nannies are able to take care of the children in addition to what they refer to as ”light housekeeping” responsibilities, which in reality means nanny and cleaning-lady. 

So what constitutes “light housekeeping?”   

In order to get a clearer idea of what nannies think light housekeeping is and what employers think light housekeeping is, I read an article created for NannyClassifieds.com called; “Is Light Housekeeping a Nanny Responsibility?”  The link to the original article is here;  http://www.nannyclassifieds.com/blog/is-light-housekeeping-is-a-nannys-responsibility/

According to this article, in the nanny world, light housekeeping typically means leaving the home in the same condition it was in when the nanny arrived / started her day there.  If there were no dishes in the sink in the morning, then there should be no dishes in the sink at the end of the day, and if the house was spotless in the morning, it should be the same by nightfall.  It is reasonable to expect your nanny to clean up the mess and restore the house to its original morning condition prior to the end of her workday.

The extras are the other things in addition to childcare which nannies are generally responsible for and are usually agreed upon in a written contract – a written approved contract if gone through the Canadian Live-In Caregiver program.  Some of these items include;

• Do the laundry for the children
• Keep the children’s play area as neat, tidy and organized as possible.
• Prepare breakfast for the children before school, lunch for school and snacks for the kids attending school.
• Prepare the same for any children who are at home or attend school part of the day.  
• Ensure that after meal preparation and after the actual meal the kitchen is clean again.
• Engage the children in activities such as arts and crafts and reading, and ensure once finished the area is tidy
• Pick up after the children
• Ensure the kids rooms, including drawers, bed and closets are clean
• Prepare the same for any children who are at home or attend school part of the day.
• Ensure that after meal preparation and after the actual meal the kitchen is clean again.
• Engage the children in activities such as arts and crafts and reading, and ensure once finished the area is tidy
• Prepare breakfast for the children before school, lunch for school and snacks for the kids attending school.

Some nannies may also take on additional household related tasks provided they have the time and it has been pre-arranged and agreed upon.  They may do the children’s grocery and clothes shopping, as well as purchase the supplies needed to properly stock the nursery.  In some cases, nannies may also be responsible for ordering age-appropriate supplies, toys, and arts and crafts, depending on the arrangement that was made.

According to the article, nannies typically do not:
• Do the parent’s laundry
• Clean the parent’s bathrooms
• Mop the floors
• Dust the furniture
• Prepare family meals regularly.

In each family and nanny work arrangement, light housekeeping should be clearly defined.  What is in the contract dictates what the family’s housekeeping expectations are, and what the nanny’s housekeeping responsibilities are. 

Many nannies do agree to take on additional non-childcare related housekeeping tasks.  They may do this because the children spend mornings in school or they simply enjoy cleaning and would gladly take on the housekeeping tasks in exchange for increased compensation.  If your nanny agrees to take on additional housekeeping tasks, she should be provided additional compensation for them and allowed adequate time to complete them when childcare is not her responsibility.  For these nannies/housekeepers, it should be stressed that when the children are in her care, childcare should be her main responsibility.  I think that is common sense, no?

Often times a nanny will go above and beyond the call of duty simply out of practicality. If a nanny is doing the dishes from lunch and her employer left a knife and dish in the sink after breakfast, for example, she’s likely going to wash them too, rather than simply leave them sitting there in the sink.  If a nanny is preparing one of her favorite homemade pasta recipes for the children’s dinner, she may make enough for the entire family, since it’s easier than tweaking the recipe for smaller portions.  Much in the same way most families when making their dinner will make enough for their nanny and have them eat with them whenever possible.  It’s give and take, and that mutual respect and understanding helps form and build the bond between the nanny and her employer.

Wen these random acts of kindness become expected by employers through, resentment and relationship problems in the nanny relationship can occur.  Light housekeeping is going to mean different things to different people.  Clearly articulating the duties and responsibilities that meet an employer’s definition of light housekeeping will help to prevent job creep and miscommunication over housekeeping related expectations.

How have you divided up responsibilities and how clear were you with your nanny on her duties outside of child care?

It’s amazing to me how many employers post comments in public message boards about how their nannies cook, clean, take care of the kids, and do all these other tasks not related to child care, and then the employer answers questions about wages and working hours, or working conditions which really casts them in a negative light.  Taking advantage of a nannies good will is never cool, and posting that in a public form is even less cool and quite questionable.  Especially in light of the fact that these message boards are trolled by agencies and organizations who protect nannies from being taken advantage of.

So to sum it all up…

Make sure what you are expecting your nanny to do outside of child care is clear and written in the contract.  Also remember that just because they came from worse working conditions in Hong Kong it doesn’t give you the right to treat them in any way that you yourself would not want to be treated in their shoes.

Karma.

Here is a link to the article; http://www.nannyclassifieds.com/blog/is-light-housekeeping-is-a-nannys-responsibility/

TD Canada Trust Panel Discussion: Parental Leave and Finances… Which came first?

Finance (Photo credit: Tax Credits)

On Wednesday October 17th, I will be joining a select roundtable of fellow bloggers along with financial experts John Tracy and Krystina Fraser from TD Canada Trust to discuss the financial realities of having children. 

As a parent, you already know first hand that having children can be quite expensive, so the purpose of this discussion is to help TD Canada Trust help us, their customers, get a better understanding of the challenges parents face when preparing their personal finances for the arrival of their child(ren) and for parental leaves.

I was fortunate enough to take a paid parental leave to be home with my wife for the birth of our first two children.  I took 9 months off with Linus and then 4 months off when Stewie was born.  Since we planned on both being home we had to ensure our finances remained in order well in advance of their births in order to  maintain our household expenses and current living style in addition to making sure I could continue to take courses when I was off (I completed my MBA). 

Just like the discussion (when) to have children usually happens well in advance of the first child being born, so too should begin the discussion about how to best get your personal finances in order for when the child(ren) arrive and for any parental leave(s).  All it takes to begin the discussion is a budget covering your current financial situation, followed by several mock budgets covering off life and expenses while pregnant, then in preparation for birth when the furniture needs to be purchased or borrowed, the car seat (possibly a new car as we had to do), a stroller, and clothes, etc., and then another budget for after baby comes which covers off the costs of items like diapers, baby toys, bigger clothes, nanny vs day care, programs, then schools…  The budgets must be revisited whenever your financial situation changes in order to make sure everything remains on track.

It absolutely never ends which is why getting your finances in order ahead of time makes the most sense and if you plan really well you might even have some left over pocket change to begin a RESP. 

Prior to the event, I would like to collect questions from you guys which I can table during the discussion and I will share the details after in a post.  Hopefully you will want to also share some insight on how you prepared financially for the arrival of your child(ren), or if you didn’t, how you have handled your finances since the arrival of your child(ren). 

You can also follow along the discussion on Twitter through #TDParentalLeave.

In addition, the great folks at TD Canada Trust have given me a $100.00 Indigo gift card which I will raffle off among those of you who “like” or comment on the post on my blog, Facebook page, LinkedIn, Google + or Twitter.  This contest closes Wednesday at noon, Toronto-time so get moving on it right away.

5 Ways Nannies Can Help Divorced Parents – Reprinted with permission

I came across this interesting article from Hireananny.com and while not divorced, I thought there were some interesting points made in this post and wanted to re-post it here.  Permission was granted.

The link to the original article is here.

http://www.hireananny.com/blog/5-ways-nannies-can-help-divorced-parents/

Essentially, this post outlines how nannies help divorced couples ensure their child(ren) don’t get lost during this difficult time of their lives in 5 key ways.

1. Nannies can provide consistency of care.

We all know that with children of all ages it’s the routine that is key.  Bedtime routine, homework routine, daily and weekly chores, etc.  All of this is crucial to teaching children about consistency so it makes absolute sense how a nanny can help here.  By being there during separation and divorce and providing a schedule or routine for the child(ren) this allows the kid(s) to have that consistency while everything around them has changed.

2. Nannies can provide a sense of stability.

I can see where this is also an important unheralded role of a nanny when, as described above, everything in a child’s life is changing and the nanny remains the same.  It not only gives the child(ren) a non-partisan sounding board but it helps smooth out the chaos and disruption that ensues until both parental units and settled and have agreed upon the parenting roles going forward.

3. Nannies can advocate for the children.

 This point is probably the most important because the role of the nanny is to look after the best interest of the child(ren) regardless of the situation and especially in situations where the parents are not getting along the nanny can step forward and discuss with each party the issues relating to the kid(s) and can also alert the parents of any changes in the child(s) behaviour.  The nanny sees the child the most consistently so they would see behaviour issues, social issues, changes in the child’s physical being or any other concerns, milestones or warning signs.

4. Nannies can reassure children that it’s not their fault.

I think this point goes without saying that a nanny can help explain to a child that during the breakup of their parent’s marriage it is NOT the fault of the child.  Emotions on the parental unit’s sides may be too high and there may be a lot of finger-pointing and this is exactly the point when children need support and reinforcement telling them it’s not their fault.

5. Nannies can facilitate communication.

 

I think at this point it goes without saying that if you are separated, or a soon to be divorced parent considering hiring a nanny, it’s important that you select a nanny who is a solid communicator.   In addition, a detailed employee contract and agreeable custody schedule shared with the nanny will go a long way towards protecting the child(ren) as much as possible during the unrest.

Hireananny.com also feels that if a parent turns to the nanny as a confidant, while tempting, is not a good idea as it blurs professional lines and may prevent the nanny from doing her job well and jeopardize her ability to always put the child’s best interests first.

Related articles

• A nanny state as taxman turns on mums (dailytelegraph.com.au)
• Hiring a Nanny in the US: Not an Easy Task. (urbandaddy.wordpress.com)

Programming vs. Over-programming Children – From the Daddy’s Perspective

extracurricular activities (Photo credit: o5com)

How often have you had this discussion with your partner or friends?  Is this generation of parents over-programming our children?

I’m not sure there is a clear-cut answer here.  As parents we want to expose our children to as much as possible to see what they like and what they are good at – as well, let’s be honest – we force some activities on our children for their own good – like sports on the artistic children, or karate so they can defend themselves.  But when the kids are at school during the day and have programs each evening and on the weekends, when does it stop being good for the child and become too much.

If the kids are taking piano, swimming, karate, math enrichment, soccer, hockey, baseball, trampoline, drama… Then how do they learn to amuse themselves when there is downtime.  When do kids brains get to rest, or do they even need it?  At what point are we “helping” our children experience life or really putting them in programs which we wanted to take growing up, but our generation had 2 working parents so we came home from school and hung around entertaining ourselves with books and TV and playing with neighbours until our parents came home.

Funny how things have changed.

I’ll be honest here.  For me, all of the above apply.  I want my kids to experience life and I want them to do things that I never had the opportunity to do.  I also want to be able to take them to all their activities and share that experience with them.  I work full-time and don’t want to be the Dad who couldn’t make the one event the kids have, or the one school activity.  Being at these events even if it means coaching the sports teams, or being a beaver leader is a priority for me because I want to spend time with my kids.  Call me crazy.  Wouldn’t be the first time.

But all these activities are killing me too…

After a long week, there is no downtime.  I’m finding now with 3 children and between activities, birthday parties, household maintenance and participating at home instead of being a guest leaves me with very little time.  Thank goodness my wife who also works, takes care of everything!  It’s crazy… Well, you know what it’s like.  When the kids are in a lot of programs that means you are in a lot of programs and that means your schedule tightens up too.  Meals have to work around the programming as do additional activities and we’re not the fast food type of family so it means weekly meal planning and lots of fruit and vegetables.

It also means I need to be on top of my day job – or have an arrangement with my employer so that I do not have to stay late in the office or take the scenic route home because that might be the difference between getting the kids to a program on time or getting them there late.  It also means once the wife and kids are in bed, I guarantee you that at least 6 nights of the week I am catching up on some work assignments or teaching myself something new that I did not have time to complete in the office during the day for many reasons.

In our home, our kids attend; Karate, swimming, piano and this year Beavers.  In the early summer, baseball, t-ball and soccer (Linus, Stewie and Berry).  There were after-school activities for the boys, chess and wood-working – and then a school enrichment program for Linus and voila.  No free time.

After moving programs around to different dates and or times, there is no time breathe and now I understand why on the weekends we just hang out at home!  We’re too tired to do anything but let the kids play at home, catch up on rest and work at keeping the house clean, the laundry from taking over and the kids from going crazy doing too much.  We also have to balance this with playdates, summer visits to the AGO, ROM, CN Tower and various neighbourhoods in the city.

So how to you view extracurricular activities for your kids and for others?  Do you judge them?  Of course you do… We do. 

How do you juggle?  I would love to hear from those of you with more than 3 children… How do you do it?  What gives?  Is it the meal, the activities, the job…

Related articles

• When Parents Get Active, So Do Kids (nlm.nih.gov)
• If Parents Want To Increase Their Children’s Activity, They Should Increase Their Own (medicalnewstoday.com)
• How to Raise Happy, Self-Confident Children (parentingpractically.wordpress.com)

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child. I cannot find a village, will my social media community suffice?

I recently joined a parenting group on Facebook called Pink and Blue Baby. I took a quick look through some of the threads in the group and right away got a feel for what the purpose of the board was – to be a resource for first time parents.

What gave it away? Questions such as; At what age is it okay to take my baby out for the first time? Will my baby ever sleep? When can I give my baby “real” food? All the questions we sorted through just over 6 years ago with our first born son, aptly referred to as Linus on my blog (for the fact he carries a blankie and constantly has his fingers in his mouth). But upon further review of the threads I noticed this board is more than that. It is also serving the purpose of helping parents with their current questions, such as; Looking for play-dates, recommendations for thank you notes, loot bag suggestions, and much, much more.

I couldn’t help but think about how much the times have changed since we had our first baby, Linus, who will only be 7-years-old in just over a month. When he was a baby what did we know? As soon-to-be first time parents, we took advantage of whatever opportunity we had to learn how these things called “babies” worked.

The first class I remember us taking was at the hospital we were giving birth at, North York General Hospital, and if I recall correctly, it was called “When Baby Comes” and looking back now, it was pretty scary. It was taught by a registered nurse and was very descriptive and technical. After Linus came – I was fortunate to be off on parental leave from my job for 9 months, – my wife and I tried to figure out what to do with a child who slept, whenever, ate a lot and pooped a lot. It was hands-on learning.

My wife found a registered nurse in the area who taught classes to a group of local moms, and these moms formed the baby group that our son grew up with. All the kids were around the same age (one born mere minutes after our son at the same hospital) and it was this group that served as our resource for the first year, to year and a half of Linus’ life. Food, fitness, health, growth spurts, etc were all discussed in the class, and then with these moms. The moms, became the dads and the dads would all get together, head out for wings and beer and talk about our kids. It was great. With this group came the siblings for most of the parents and with that the purpose of the group became clear. Play-dates, birthday parties, all kinds of questions, and much more were discussed through this group in person and via email.

While my wife was increasing her knowledge on the baby front, I was using my parental leave to work on my MBA. I found the evenings worked great because I wanted to be around to help out as much as possible. I would take Linus for long walks each day – he would score me free shwag all over the place, especially at the local Starbucks. I did as many diaper changes as necessary; I loved feeding him and reading books to him. It was trial by error on my side and a lot of research on my wife’s side. Why don’t these kids comes with instruction manuals?!?

Looking back, how did we ever get through baby #1 without the benefit of a cool group like this one I just joined?!? Well to be honest, it was all my wife. She read the baby books, she surfed the net looking for resources, and with her mother’s intuition she did all the rest. She got Linus on a schedule after reading that babies need structure. She arranged for cloth diapers after reading that it helps kids potty train sooner, and she made his food instead of buying it because with her science background and as a budding nutritionist she knew the added chemicals were not good for him. She sought out and then checked out kids’ furniture. She also found a great resource online which detailed Linus’ progression and explained what we could expect from them at that age on a week by week basis.

After putting in all this work, child #2, Stewie (named on my blog after the baby from Family Guy because we thought he was trying to kill us by getting up every 2-3 hours for the first 10 months of his life, without fail) was a breeze. Armed with plenty of resources and almost two years practical hands on experience we were ready for anything.

Linus, you see, was a textbook baby. We knew this by reading the textbooks. So was Stewie, and so far our third (and last) child, Berry fits that mold too. These kids follow the models laid out in the text, so the more we read, the easier it was to predict their next growth spurt, or when their teeth were set to come it. It made life much easier for us.

One think I noticed as we both headed back to work was that we now had a family of 6 (3 kids and a nanny) and running the household was that much more challenging. With work, schedules, school, programs, and meal planning and preparation there was no time for anything else outside of being a parent. Where was the time for us?

Fear not new parents, it gets better… (No, really it doesn’t). It cannot get better than being surrounded by children and the more kids, the more love, the more poop, the more shmootz, and the less sleep. If it’s not one kid getting up in the middle of the night, it’s one of the others.

Needless to say parents; no matter if you’re a first time parent or a 4th time parent, it’s all the same. Our kids will continue to grow and we will always have parenting questions. We will worry about them and in doing so forget about you. It’s okay, it’s natural and we all do it. Just keep asking those questions on this message board and when you get more experienced, you too will share your thoughts and observations about what it was like for you, as I have done tonight too, and do with regularity on my blog.

If you want to read more, you can find this urban daddy at www.urbandaddy.wordpress.com.

 

So so Smooth… I could learn from him.

Man, what a smooth talker!  I could learn from this one.

Stewie, I’m referring to.  5-year-old Stewie.

You see, he wore a nice shirt to school for his class picture but at some point in the day he got hot and took it off.   Of course, he forgot to put it back on which meant his individual SK picture will be of him in an army green t-shirt that reads, “Mom’s Cabana Cutie” on it, and not in a nicely chosen shirt.

When I commented to his mother that at least the shirt was accurate – he LOVES his mother, he looked down at his shirt and commented;

“Does my shirt say Mom is terrible???”

We both looked at each other, very puzzled and shocked that he would say that.

“Do you think your mother is terrible?” she asked him.

“No”, he replied with a smirk on his face.

“Do you think your mother is terrible?” she repeated?

“No” he said again, a little more seriously, still with a smirk.

“What do you think of your mother?” she asked him.

“Mom is pretty” he replied, looking very proud.

“Mom is smart”, he said right after.

Man, he learns at such an early age, eh?

Happy wife = happy life.

Happy mummy = happy tummy.

I could learn from this kid!

Please do not call your child a “Dumb Ass”

I accidentially called my son a “Dumb Ass” on the weekend.

Not because he opened the back door before the house alarm was disabled, not because he constantly makes his brother cry out, “NO LINUS”, and certainly not because he puts more effort into being a pain in the ass, than being a good kid… I actually don’t know why I called him that, I think it just slipped out.

To be honest – that excuse sucks – “I don’t know”. It’s an excuse I hear from him all the time.

Me: “Linus, why did you try to push your brother off the kitchen stool?”
Linus: “I don’t know”.

Me: “Linus, why did you push that girl at school?”
Linus: “I don’t know”.

Me: “Linus, why did you use a screwdriver and etch your name into your brother’s wall, then blame it on him when you know he can’t write?”
Linus: “I don’t know”.

Well, I know why I called him that and why he frustrates me so much. IT’s because he reminds me too much of me when I was that age – save for the fact that his is smarter and way cuter.

I don’t want him struggling through life being the class clown – with people laughing at him instead of with him – then getting older without having any friends and having people look at you like your a giant loser / idiot / dumb ass day in and day out. It’s hard work!

The main differences I see right away is that this boy has a LOT of confidence and we encourage him to ne his own boy, but he has got to be respectful, which I was, but he is not! That is my only must for him. He must behave and be kind. I expect it from him and we battle over this. His biggest issues to date surround respecting others personal space.

But enought about Linus…

In general, feel it IS better to be a dumb ass than a smart ass, right?!?

So who else is a dumb ass… Let me tell you who. The woman in the Tim Horton’s drive-through who parked on the other side of the path and walked over to the microphone to place her very LONG, complicated coffee / lunch order. If she really wanted to walk, and order something that crazy, she should have gone inside. It’s called a drive-through, not a drive in, park, get out, order and hold up everyone else-through… dumb ass.

Then again, when she went to pick up and pay for her food, she parked far enough to the side that she had to again get out of her car to grab her food and pay, but close enough that when she opened her door she smashed it up against the brick wall. Ouch. Dumb ass indeed.

And then there was a family a Home Depot… I was there to get a key for our house for our nanny who lost hers. While there I saw they had some beautiful raspberry and grape plants that were huge, on sale, and already flowering so I picked up 6 of them.

They are heavy.

I went to the checkout line and witnessed this exchange;

An elderly woman who appeared to have severe athritis was in line with a potted flower and 2 bags of soil.

A very tall, pretty woman walked over to her with a packet of seeds in her hand and asked the woman if she would mind, if she went ahead of her.

The elderly woman agreed.

Then once in line, this womans father rolled up with his trolly full of plants and soil and together they explained to the elderly woman that they were together.

The elderly woman was frustrated but let them go ahead, the whole time I was behind the elderly woman holding 6 heavy plants.

Man these people took forever. The cashier was in training and once they were finally checked out, this family – now 4 of them – needed help getting their stuff to their car. So after much debate (I would have said, take your fucking plants to your fucking car and get the fuck out of here – or something like that), the son went and got their car and did what I have never seen anyone do before…

He backed his SUV up over the sidewalk, in between the aisles of plants and right up to the exit of the garden centre so that neither he, nor anyone else could get out.

Then he opened the trunk and sat inside while they waited for someone to come put their stuff inside.

After a good 5 minutes, the father grabbed the stuff and tossed it inside, but then the entire family went back inside the store.

Dumbfounded, we all stood outside realizing that no one could escape the garden centre until the truck was moved and the new cashier was going to shit his pants because now the elderly woman needed help getting those bags of soil to her car.

Finally someone much more senior showed up, saw the car, freaked out that it was there, then proceeded to walky-talky the store to have it removed.

By that time, but the woman and Ihave managed to wiggle though the plants area and escaprre for light, fresh air and food and water.

That, my friends, makes this family a family of dumb-asses.

Agree?

Get your hands off my f*cking kid. And the other joys of strangers judgementally parenting your children on your behalf.

I was aproached by a blogger-friend of mine about guest blogging on my blog after she saw my Thursday Thirteen last week was done by a friend.  

If only she knew that I was just too lazy to write it so I farmed it out. LOL

So of course I said okay to her, and below, you will find here contribution to this blog, and while I could toss out a disclaimer about the views in this post being hers and not mine, I noticed that she did not link to her blog so I will keep her cover and post it in it’s original form.

So here it is;

“Let me begin by saying I’m a blogger. Not an every day blogger, but when the mood strikes me. My blog is about finding the joy in the mundane, and truthfully, what I need to let out here and now has nothing to do with joy, or finding the sweet with the bitter. This rant has been six years in the making, and the straw that broke the camels back happened in just the last 10 days, at of all places, my kids’ karate dojo – and I’ll get there.

Please be advised, my ranting tends to go in different directions at times, but I seem to always be able to tie it up with a pretty feel good ribbon at the end. Except this time, I expect there will be no pretty ribbon at the end.

Quick disclosure – I know Urban Mommy and Urban Daddy through the vicious social collective of the late 90′s and current era known as the baby group. And clearly it was a relationship that has lasted, and so you may truthfully infer that whatever I write aobut baby groups in no way reflects on Urban Mommy in particular, because if she was a judgemental parent like the ones I’m about to rage about, we would clearly not still be friends 6 years out.

Furthermore, Urban Mommy pretty much represents what I wish I HAD met in baby groups, and mostly didn’t. But I met her, and that still stands as pretty cool (being true to self, had to find one piece of joy to throw into the spew).

I argued with myself as to should I be linear in this guest blog, or should I start with the last week and then take you into the distant past to give you perspective on what finally led to my belltower moment. While my husband is a purist for linear, I believe there’s dramatic effect in hollywood movies when you see as the first scene of a flick something clearly out of context as scene 1, and then you flip to script that says -4 years earlier – a la Inception which was in fact a great flick, despite my hatred of Leonardo Dicrapio (spelling error intended). So I’ve decided to go with the Hollywood bait and switch. You can tell me afterwards if the effect was all I’d hoped.

Let us begin last week. IronLady (Irnldy on twitter) signed her kids up for karate at the lovely dojo near her house. Older daughter took right to her class, no cajoiling needed, having a great time. Younger son, refered to ironically as Easy-E was not faring so well. He’s been reticent about ‘new’ since he came out of me a few years back. And generally his hobby of choice will always include hanging off of me or ironhusband, while we struggle to walk a balance bean with 35 pounds of toddler attached to us. So after all our experiences with Easy E, we knew what we needed to do to get him to go into his dragons karate class.

First and foremost, for success, we needed to not be in the room with him. He did ok for a few minutes, and then began bawling his head off to the extent that the entire dojo was staring wondering what the f*ck was up with that KID. As I am his mom, and I know him best, and have at least 3 visibly scars to illustrate that I know his strike zones, clearly I had an idea of what I’d do in that situation. There were two paths:

PATH A – I get down on the ground, hug and kiss and soothe. This path looks good to other parents, it says I love and I care and I nurture. But in Easy E’s world, it means it’s over lady. I get to quit and never come back.

PATH B- I stay standing upright, I listen to him, and then encourage him to rejoin. Again and again. Don’t want to rejoin? Ok, I want to go watch your sister. Followed by more crying. Sound bad to you? Maybe, but don’t judge. Because in our case it happens to be the right thing to do and I’ll get there later.

Choosing path b, clearly, I continue this until a “Perfect Mommy” breaks in. “How old is your child?” “Oh my, he’s so young, how can you expect so much from him??”. Then, gettting down on one knee, begins to stroke Easy E’s face and tell him it’s ok, he doesn’t have to do anything, and essentially negating every word I just said. This goes on, while I bite my tongue and stay upright. Until finally the sensei comes out of the room to see what’s up and also gets down on one knee to talk to young Easy, while the other mother is still offering of course all the love that I had vicisously (obviously) held back, all whilst giving me nasty looks. He tries to talk to Easy but can barely be heard over Perfect Mommy’s coooing to my boy. Finally, I say to PM – “he can only hear one voice at a time, and I’d like it to be the teachers’, thanks”. All while seething.

Needless to say, the exchange pissed me off. When we returned for attempt #2, there she was again, in full Perfect Mommy glory. LOUDLY EXCLAIMING to all nearby that sweet little Easy E was ONLY THREE FOR HEAVENS SAKE. And wondering out loud to herself and those in earshot “I just can’t understand why some people push a young child so hard, it’s just so unfair”.

Now needless to say I’d three days to rehearse what I’d say to her if she had the nerve to strike again, and boy did those rehearsals come in handy. And I quote myself here: “You know, you have a lot of opinions on what I’m doing wrong here, and how I’m damaging my son for life – which means, I can only guess, that you have brilliant never fail parenting suggestions at your fingertips that will be equally useful for all parents, regardless of the type of child. And that’s fantastic. I also would have to guess, given that you have attempted to take over the poor parenting of this child, that you will also be offering to take over all of the financial obligations related to him, and furthermore will be staking out his educational path from here on.. No? In that case, BACK OFF and stop talking to both of us, and while you’re at it, stop talking ABOUT us to everyone in the dojo.

She backed aways, and I continued my approach of getting Easy E some independance of his own for the first time in his life – and guess what? On class #3 he went in, on his own, did the whole class, and loved it. Same with class 4. Lesson learned bitch? I KNOW MY KID. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW MY KID. GET THE F*CK OFF MY KID. And take your superior feeling, stick it where the sun don’t shine, and feel the glory in knowing that YOUR children are perfect, and will never make scenes in public, and you’ll never have to feel judged by 100 pairs of eyes on you……….. or will you? Because if there’s one thing mommying has taught me, is that the judgemental glare escapes no one.

Enter the BABYGROUP:

These are time honoured traditions. Newly glowing mothers coming together as a community to form a baby oriented coffee clatch. Where I assumed it would be a relaxed varietal of women with babes in arms, discussing literature, fine food, movies, anything. Which we didn’t. In fact, ad nauseum, we discussed babies. Pooping, eating (organic??? yes of course!!!! to do otherwise would be murder as irnldy hangs her head in shame) Sign language? Baby Einstein??? Week after week, I kept thinking we had all the baby issues out of us, but we never did. What I did learn was a whole lot of what I did wrong, thanks to the perfect mommies in my 2 separate groups:

1. Only breastfed for 3 months the first time, switched to formula. Selfish, robbed my child of precious mother antibodies, robbed both of us of sking to skin bonding time. Will eventually explain it when she’s diagnosed with dissasociative personality disorder, and is unable to form meaningful relationships while she needlessly fights RSV and flus and hepatitis that my mothers milk could have saved her from.

2. Did not babyproof the house until well AFTER daughter was walking. A death trap. A baby group was actually cancelled by another mother scheduled to be in my home because of my lack of vigilant baby proofing, followed by a smug email informing me I’d be taken off the schedule if I didn’t take immediate action to fix the problem. I never did. My kids are still alive.

3. I raised issues other than feeding/diapering/burping/cooking organic baby food/shopping for useless baby shit, labeling me the mother who didn’t give a shit about being a good mother (or their view of a good mother). I was supposed to be feeling guilty about using jars of mass produced baby food – I didn’t care, and even the not caring got me in deep with the mommy police. When I raised other issues, it was “anyone gone OUT without a baby lately???” which wasn’t to say I don’t love my kid – it was to say that we still need to be thinking and functioning intelligent people outside of our reproductive prowess. This was met with stone wall silence.

4. At one of my daughter’s early on drop off classes they had parent volunteers on the roster. One day, I get a note from my parent volunteer that day telling me she spent the entire time watching my strange little girl, and truly felt I should know my daughter is Autistic. She’s not. (and yes, we eventually did have her tested and dealt with her speech and language issues, and she’s not autistic). Can you imagine getting a note from some judgemental volunteer with no credentials who was supposed to be helping server juice telling you she did nothing but sit and document how WEIRD your child is, and then offer a diagnosis what would shatter most parents???? Can you imagine ever having the nerve to do that to another human being?????

I have 6 years worth of these saved up,and I could hold hostage urban daddy’s blog a long time to get it all out, but I think you’ve got the gist. The truth is people, we are not a village raising a child anymore. We are tiny fiefdoms unto our own homes, and our impact on others is neglible at best, and bearing that in mind, wouldn’t you prefer knowing that at least your impact caused no harm that day? And how about all the judgementals out there, on the day that YOUR child pulls his pants down in the middle of Metro, screaming at the top of his lungs I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME AND I DON’T WANT PANTS AND I WANT TO RUUUUUUUUUNNNNN NAKKKKKEEEEDDD - what will YOU hope the other people around you do???? Because I can give you one certainty – every single one of those fuckers is judging you, judging your weirdo kid, and will tell at least 2 people about it while refering to themselves as a parent that NEVER would have allowed that kind of thing because their own parenting was so very spot on perfect to begin with.

I’m just saying. And to the lady who started this rant, when she got down on the floor and stroked my son’s cheek – When you’re moment of public humiliation parenting comes, I can only hope I will be there to soothe your perfect children the way you soothed mine. You may also be interested to know – Perfect Mommy, if you are reading this, that Easy E loves karate, and every day wakes up demanding to know if it’s dojo day. Because I did what I knew was right FOR HIM. Respect it, or back the f*ck off.”

Thank you IronLady! I’m going to look for Perfect Mom at the dojo this weekend.

So with that, I pose this question to those of you who made it through this post, if you have been put in a position where your parenting choices have been questioned by a stranger, or if someone has made reference to something you have decided to do in a judgemental manner.

Curious to hear the feedback.