Thursday Thirteen – Men’s Washroom Edition

Urinal

Urinal (Photo credit: Ron Knox 2001)

Today’s Thursday Thirteen is an instant classic that you will want to re-post and share with your friends and family as it covers 13 types of men found in a men’s washroom which I have observed over my 20 plus years of office life.

So gather your friends and family members, lock away the children and be prepared to laugh so hard you’ll pee you pants.

Here we go!

13. The Talker – The talker is the kind of guy you come across in a men’s washroom who has started a conversation on his way to the washroom and continues it while walking into the washroom, even if he goes into a stall – which ladies, is big issue for men.  The talker will continue the conversation while he does his business and actually expects you to stick around and partake and not be wierded out by what is happening.  Ladies, let me tell you, in a men’s washroom if the stall is occupied, men get the hell out as quick as possible before they hear or smell anything.  Talking from beyond the stall… So not cool.

12. The Peeker – Gentlemen, you know these types of guys.  They’re a little odd, or a little curious and you know if there is an opportunity to sneak a peek, they’ll be the ones that do it.  Sometimes even though they know it’s wrong, they’ll throw a look while you’re talking to them or looking at them.  They can’t help themselves.  It’s competition to see what they’ve got and what you’ve got.  The peeker will never comment but it is very awkward and from that point on, the peeker pees alone!

11. The Grunter – Ahhh, the grunter… This is the guy who holds in his stuff for so long that by the time he gets to a stall he REALLY has to go and you know it.  There is grunting, moaning and the odd, “Oh yeah” with pauses for appropriate sound effects.  The grunter gets so caught up into his own bathroom experience that he forgets there are dudes on the other side of the stall cringing.

10.  The Clean Freak – These are the guys who immediately wash their hands upon approval to the washroom, but before they take a seat inside a stall, they takes soap and water and wash it down first.  Heaven forbid that some other guy’s stuff touched the toilet.  Putting toilet paper down, or a thin toilet seat cover, these guys need the bowl to sparkle and be “germ” free.  These are the driven folks who succeed in organizations so they can have a washroom all to themselves.

9.  The Flusher – Someone told me once that if you flush your poo right away you flush the smell too.  Well studies have since shown that to not be true, yet there are some guys who still think it’s legit so they get into a stall and within the length of time it takes another guy to pee, the flusher has flushed the toilet 4 times.  On the bright side, the splashing from the toilet water must be really cleaning their bottom… UGH.

8.  The Blaster – This is the guy who holds his pee so long that the second he gets up to the stall his stream is so powerful like he’s trying to shoot a whole through the ceramic bowl.  Sadly this guy also likes to hit the pine smelling soap at the bottom of the urinal resulting in him getting sprayed in the mid-section from his pee.  He leaves the washroom covered in pee residue… Yucky.  You can recognize him because as soon as he leaves the washroom, his mid-section glows from the urine.  The back of his hand is also usually soaked but when he washes his hands, he’ll wash the inside and rarely the back.

7.  The Misser – This is the guy who gets into the washroom and doesn’t want to make any noise when peeing, or is playing with his stream trying to make the least splash and in process usually hits the porcelain edge and winds up peeing on the floor, hence the giant puddles guys have come known to look out for when approaching a urinal.  Then the next guy comes in, sees the puddle and does his stuff from a foot back from the urinal which means he too adds to the pool of pee on the floor and so it goes until guys give up on that urinal and go to the next one.

6.  The Unbuckler – This guy makes me laugh.  I worked with a guy who used to unbuckle his pants to pee, and he would drop his drawers to his mid-thigh, pull down his underwear exposing his ass cheeks and stand at the urinal with his arm leaning on the wall, legs spread to the max, and he would pee like that while looking around and trying to talk to other guys.  It’s a urinal, not a social club and who the hell wants to see his ass anyways.  It got to the point that when he was going to the washroom, no one else would go near it for 5 minutes for fear of meeting ass-man face to butt cheeks..

5.  The No Handser  – These are the guys – and we all have seen them, who think they can accurately pee in the urinal, not on the floor, not on themselves without touching their stuff at all.  They also think – like my 7-year-old son does, that if they don’t touch it they don’t need to wash their hands.  Well no hands is not cool, and you still have to wash your hands so grab a hold and get it over with.

4.  The Wiggler – The wiggler guy is the guy who finishes peeing and before he steps away he takes his stuff and frantically wiggles it all around, smacking it on the side of the urinal in efforts to get all the pee out.  The problem with the frantic wiggle is that there is no way to control where that left over pee goes so while some may drop into the urinal, the rest sprays all over the place.

3.  The Newspaper Bringer – Ahhh, the newspaper bringer.  This describes the guy who is heading for the washroom and intends on being there a while so he picks up a newspaper from someone’s desk along the way, tucks it under his arm, and proceeds to set up camp inside a stall.  What makes this guy so clueless is when he returns from his 20 minutes of quiet time and proceeds to drop that newspaper back on the desk of the person he borrowed it from with a cheerful “thank you”.  He doesn’t understand that the person he borrowed the paper from does not wish to have back the paper after he’s read it who doing his business and before he washed his hands…  Just the thought makes me shudder.

2.  The I’m Aloner – The I’m alone guy is the guy who is clearly uncomfortable in a public washroom with other men around.  Someone must have commented on the size of his stuff when he was younger because he stresses out in the washroom resulting in him walking in, ignoring everyone, doing his stuff, washing up efficiently and getting the hell out as quickly as possible.  This type of guy possibly holds his breath the entire time in case there is a foul odor in the bathroom.  It’s best to just get out of their way and let them go.

1.  The Held it Too Longer – This guy makes me laugh because he holds his stuff for as long as he possibly can and you know as he’s racing to the bathroom he’s already imaging the relief of doing his business that he is already unzipping or unbuckling even before he gets inside the washroom.

This kind of guy is in his own world because he doesn’t want to be the guy who filled his drawers so if he enters the washroom and there is no toilet or urinal available he actually looks at the sink as a viable option while trying to determine if he waits or heads to another floor.

Don’t try talking to this guy, he’ll bite your head off and he’s probably now having a conversation with himself as his kidneys begin to ache.  He won’t even buckle up as he flees the washroom in search of another and when he finally does get in there could be a dead body on the floor he won’t notice, he’s too busy saying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” as he goes on with his business.

Unfortunately he is traumatized and needs some considerable time to replay the encounter in his head and I’m positive he thanking his lucky stars that as he came into the washroom, already undone and ready to go that he did not run into Mr. Ass Cheeks.

Honorable mention to the take no prisoners guy who comes in, does his stuff and leaves a disaster in his wake – toilet paper everywhere, paper towels and soap everywhere else and body fluids in places it should not be in an office environment.

6 responses

  1. #6 & #4 had the tears flowing but the end of #3 needs some work….

  2. http://birdmartin.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/the-versatile-blogger-award-moi/

    I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. While I’m fully aware that a lot of the writers I follow don’t play these games, I wanted to show my appreciation for what your writing does for me. So there you have it…Tag! You’re It!!

    Bird

  3. Not being a man i clearly would not be able to observe this male behavioral pattern, however, i was pretty sure there was some sort of general ‘types’ that are toilet etiquette in mens toilets. That is really funny though. I can visualize every scenario! Haha. i am sure glad that i am not a man and being judged by my process of elimination. The pressures! lol. Great post!

  4. Thanks Rachel – Fixed #3. I somehow erased half of the sentance when editing it. Good catch.

  5. Hi Bluepearlgirl – thanks for taking the time to comment. You’re probably correct that what goes for the guys goes for the gals. It’s one of those areas which I have seen handled differently in different companies and to see the pains people go to just to go to the washroom inspired this post.

    Glad you enjoyed.

    I’ll make sure to pop by your blog as well.

  6. thanks! Look forward to seeing you around the blog sphere! :)

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