Monthly Archives: April 2012

Anyone “Shocked” to find out that Nutella is not Healthy? Didn’t think so…

Deutsch: Ein Glas Nutella-Nussnougatcreme

Nutella

Ferrero, the maker of Nutella, which happens to be the only chocolate spread that has its own world celebration day – World Nutella Day is celebrated February 5th - has lost a $3.5 million class action lawsuit filed by a California mother who was “shocked” to discover that a chocolate spread was not healthy.

Did you know that all the Nutella sold in the US comes from a plant in Brantford, Ontario with Californians being the per capita biggest consumers of Nutella in the US.

In her lawsuit filed last year a San Diego mother said she was “shocked” to learn that the hazelnut chocolate spread she was feeding her husband and 4-year-old daughter was full of sugar and fat.  She said she felt “betrayed” when she learned the healthiest part of a Nutella breakfast was the bread and milk that children ate with it – probably white bread and whole milk too, eh?

She won, and in the US, Ferrero will give every consumer who also feel betrayed $4.00 for their jar of Nutella provided they also declare that the cannot read the nutritional label on the back of the jar.  LOL.  Then they take there $4.00 and buy another jar I would think…

What did it in for Nutella?  The claim that Nutella could be part of a “healthy breakfast.”  Apparently there are some ads in the US which claim Nutella is healthy, or something like that.  Full of energy (which would lead me to assume full of calories), I’m not 100% sure.

Sure, anyone capable of reading a label – as my kids do in the grocery stores at the ages of 7 and 5 (and they understand what they are reading) would see that Nutella has a lot of sugar and a lot of fat in it.

As part of the settlement, the front label of Nutella jars will now include info on the fat, sugar and calories of the product.

Oddly enough, Nutella Canada, which is a sponsor of the Canadian Soccer Association, advocates eating a balanced breakfast on its website www.nutella.ca but without directly saying the spread should be part of it.

From their FAQ section:

Q: What is NUTELLA®?

A: NUTELLA® (pronounced “new-tell-uh”) is a deliciously unique spread made from hazelnuts, cocoa, and skim milk. NUTELLA® is a great choice for kids as part of a nutritious breakfast. It contains no preservatives, no artificial colours and is a source of Vitamin E.

All true and very clear…

Those litigious Americans.  I’m not sure if this was a good thing or a frivolous lawsuit.  Yes it’s good to bring attention for those who may not be able to read labels or have common sense, but then again, Nutella is yummy and most people I spoke to who eat are were perfectly aware that one tablespoon full was plenty and that 2 tablespoons contained the same amount of sugar, etc, as a chocolate bar.

A two-tablespoon serving of Nutella contains 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 of which are saturated and 21 grams of sugar. To put that into perspective, a typical chocolate and nut candy bar has 250 to 300 calories and 12 to 16 grams of fat.

Might I recommend the Marshmallow spread instead to that mom instead?

(Please don’t sue me).

So how does Nutella compare to Peanut Butter – you might be surprised…

Nutella per Tablespoon (19g):

100 Calories

6g Fat (2g saturated Fat)

1mg Cholesterol

5mg sodium

11g Carbs (1g fibre/10g sugar)

1g protein

0% Vitamin A

0% Vitamin C

2% Calcium

2% Iron

10% Vitamin E

Kraft Smooth Peanut Butter per Tablespoon (15g)

90 Calories

8g Fat (2g Saturated Fat)

0mg Cholesterol

70mg sodium

4g Carbs (1g fibre/3g sugar)

3g protein

0% Vitamin A

0% Vitamin C

0% Calcium

2% Iron

0% Vitamin E

Eating Nutella over Kraft peanut butter (not my peanut butter of choice – I prefer a more natural kinds, like President Choice blue menu Just Peanuts) however with Nutella you eat 10 more calories, save 2g of fat, eat 65mg less sodium, eat 7g more carbs – admittedly more sugar -  consume 2% more calcium and take in 10% more vitamin E.

Comments on this item made me laugh because Nutella in the US does have nutritional information on it, however the commercials were misleading stating it was healthy, or part of a healthy breakfast.  Whatever it said, it’s chocolate and nuts and that should have set off bells for any parent.

For this post I turned to my trusty editor, 7-year-old Linus, and he read the post then asked me; “If Nutella is made with hazelnuts and chocolate, there is no way it is healthy, Daddy, but can we please buy some!”  :)

Some comments I read while researching included;

“What?  Chocolate for breakfast is unhealthy?”

“I’m suing McDonald’s because I had a Happy Meal and it didn’t make me happy”.

“I’m suing Axe because I used their deodorant spray and was not immediately surrounded by hot women”.

What are your thoughts, parents?  Stupid lawsuit or poor advertising choices for this product?

Mmmmmm… Nutella crepes… For me, not the kids!

Deutsch: Ein Crêpe mit Nutella.

Deutsch: Ein Crêpe mit Nutella. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The (Not so Secret) Secret Menu at Starbucks, Revealed!

Psst.  I’ve got a secret to tell you.

All this talk about “secret” menu items excites me.  What better than finding a new food item or drink which is hopefully healthy and that no one else knows about.  I came across the ”secret” Starbucks menu as it was trending on Twitter and after much research I have outlined the main portion of the secret menu which you or I might just order.  The ones which are super high-fat, like 3/4′s of the drink is 28% whipping cream, I left as being secret.  no one needs to consume 200% of their daily allocation for calories, fat and sugar in one drink.

I also confirmed with some Starbucks baristas – past and present – that this list does exist and they also gave me the nicknames they know these drinks as. 

There are also some other non-food related things you should know about Starbucks which are not widely known… Until now!

Charge up your Starbucks card and get ready to run to your local Starbucks and impress or confuse the local barista be inspired…

Here are the goods;

Biscotti Frapuccino

Buy a biscotti and ask the barista to blend it up with any flavor of frapuccino. It blends into tiny cookie chunks that add a delicious little crunch to your frozen coffee.  This can be done with any pastry you buy, actually, although some locations won’t do it due to nut allergies.  They don’ t want that stuff in their blenders. 

Short Drinks

The sizes the “mainstream menu” gives you are “Tall,” “Grande” and “Venti,” but if you say you want the “short” size to any Starbucks drink you can receive a less expensive and smaller sized drink. The size is in their cash register – I checked – because of espresso shots.  It’s on the menu in the Philippines, and is the same price as a tall in Indonesia.  We call it the “kids size” here in Canada, eh?

Short cappuccino

A “Short” cappuccino is a more Italian style cappuccino because there is less room for milk which somehow got mixed in with this drink and waters it down. 

Red Eye

A Red Eye is a shot of espresso in regular cup of Starbucks coffee.

Black Eye

A Black Eye is two shots of espresso in regular Starbucks coffee.

Green Eye / Purple Eye (depending on what part of the country you are in) / JFK (for the 3 shots to the head which killed him) / Shot in the Dark

Whatever you call this drink it is a whopping three shots of espresso in a regular Starbucks coffee.  Be carefull with this one!  Do not drink at night unless you want to be up all night, shaking, in caffeine withdrawal.

Poor Man’s Latte

An Iced Americano with no water and half ice, then head over to the condiments station, fill the rest up with half and half cream (certainly not the 18% coffee cream) and viola, you have a Breve Latte at less than you would pay for the actual drink. 

Poor Man’s Chai Latte

Order a Chai Tea Misto with extra foam, two tea bags, and half cinnamon-half vanilla syrup. This is essentially the same drink but at half the cost.  

Chocolate Dalmatian – also know as a Michael Jackson:

A White Chocolate Mocha with java chips and chocolate chips sprinkled in.

Cafe au Lait

Order the Misto without foam for a classic French coffee drink.

French pressed coffee

You can choose any coffee they sell by the bag and have it served in a French press. For coffee snobs, this is one of the best way to appreciate all of the flavors of the coffee you chose – it takes about 5 minutes for this to be done and don’t be surprised if you get a dirty look if you are doing this during their morning rush.

Chocolate Cream Frapuccino

Chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate.  Chocolate syrup and chocolate flavoring in this frozen blended coffee.

Cake Batter Frappuccino

Originally, this drink contained vanilla and almond syrup added to a Vanilla Bean Crème Frappuccino. However, since the almond syrup is largely no longer available, some recommend that you try subbing in hazelnut syrup and white mocha for a similar flavour.

Raspberry Cheesecake

Order a White Chocolate Mocha and have them add a few pumps of raspberry  – if you use your Starbucks card to pay, you get one free pump of any flavour. 

The Nutella

Cafe Misto with pumps of chocolate and hazelnut and a caramel drizzle.

Zebra or Tuxedo Mocha

Sometimes also called a “Penguin Mocha,” a “Marble Mocha,” or simply a “Black and White Mocha,”, or (also known as the) “MIchael Jackson“ this drink combines the White Chocolate mocha with the regular mocha.  If you want to take it one step further have the barista add a shot (or two) of raspberry flavoring and viola, you have what is called a ”Red Tux” Mocha.

Dirty Chai / Filthy Chai

Chai latte with a shot of espresso.  2 shots of espresso gets you a double dirty!  You bad boy…

Triple C’s

Order a Cinnamon Dolce Latte with caramel syrup and chocolate mocha syrup.

Captain Crunch (Yes, like the breakfast cereal)

To make this one, order a Strawberries and Creme frappe with a pump of caramel, add two pumps of toffee, one pump of hazelnut and two scoops of chocolate chips. Tastes just like Captain Crunch cereal. Yum!

Affogato-style Frappuccino

If you order any Frappuccino ”affogato-style” and you’ll get a shot of hot espresso added on top of your drink as opposed to having it blended in.

Snickers Frappuccino

Order a Java chip frappuccino with two pumps of toffee nut syrup and drizzle it all over with caramel and you get a drink that tastes just like a snickers bar!

Apple Pie Tea

Black tea with apple juice and light chai

Cinnamon Roll

Combine a White mocha latte with a Cinnamon Dolce latte

Thin Mint Frappuccino

I am all over this drink next time I get to my local Starbucks!  Order a Tazo Green Tea Crème frappuccino and mix in an extra pump of chocolate syrup and java chips.

Let me know if you try (tried) any!

j

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Video Killed the Radio Star. Will Unions or Corporate Greed Kill the Twinkie…

Hostess Twinkies. Yellow snack cake with cream...

Hostess Twinkies. Yellow snack cake with cream filling. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The first part of my title is correct.  The video did kill the radio star, but the second part of my title is still playing out, although all rhetoric seems to indicate that the end of the Twinkie – and Hostess Foods, is near.I originally posted this on my tax management blog; www.intaxicating.wordpress.com but thought you guys might appreciate it since it involves unions, greed and, heck, twinkies!  It is a good story for this urban daddy…

The Twinkie story is an interesting scenario playing out in real life and after reading this, you tell me which side you think is at fault and if you were the other side would you blame them?

Start with these ingredients;

Enriched wheat flour, sugar, corn syrup, niacin, water, high fructose corn syrup, vegetable and/or animal shortening -  – containing one or more of partially hydrogenated soybean, cottonseed, canola oil and beef fat, dextrose, whole eggs, modified corn starch, cellulose gum, whey, leavenings (sodium acid pyrophosphate, baking soda, monocalcium phosphate), salt, con starch, corn flour, corn syrup, solids, mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, polysorbate 60, dexterin, calcium, calcium caseinate, sodium stearoyl lactlate, wheat gluten, calcium sulphate, natural and artificial flavors, caramel color, yellow #5, red #40.

Put that all together and you get a Twinkie, which was invented in 1930 by a baker at the Continental Baking Company when they realized that several machines used to make cream-filled strawberry shortcake sat idle when strawberries were out of season.  So the bakers created a snack cake filled with banana cream, and called it a Twinkie.  During World War II when bananas became rationed, the company switched to a vanilla cream filling.  In 2007, banana-cream Twinkies were  permanently restored (although I have never had one).

On January 11th, 2012, Twinkie manufacturer Hostess filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  Hostess – maker of Twinkies, Ho Ho‘s, Wonder Bread, etc., blamed in on their customers deciding to consume healthier foods.  On the brink of closing down, Hostess hired a new CEO who accepted a wage of $1.00 to see them through bankruptcy protection, which may all be for not as workers at Hostess Brands have threatened to strike if the company imposes “unfair” contract terms, including wage cuts.

The workers are members of the Teamsters Union which represents about 7,500 of the company’s 19,000 employees, said that more than 90 percent of its Hostess members voted to authorize a strike if “unfair contract terms” are approved as part of its bankruptcy proceedings.

Now bankruptcy is nothing new for Hostess which - founded in 1930 – previously filed for bankruptcy in 2004 and re-emerged in 2009. The company has about $860 million in debt.

Here is the hold up; The company’s new CEO, Gregory F. Rayburn – who dispels the myth that their industry is bound to fail as consumers reach for healthier and healthier foods, citing booming markets in chocolate - said Hostess wants to cut annual pension contributions from $103 million to $25 million. Hostess also wants to change work rules that sometimes require two trucks instead of one, and they want to outsource deliveries to small stores.

The union has announced they will reject the offer, make a new proposal, and are willing to strike which could spell the end of Hostess and would ultimately see the 7,500 unionized workers put the other 12,500 workers out of jobs too by their actions.

Apparently employees already accepted big concessions back in 2008 and back in February then union voted to authorize a strike, and the union vowed Saturday that workers would walk off the job if the bankruptcy judge agrees to the company’s cuts.

Hostess countered by saying if workers strike, they will be forced to shut down the company and liquidate assets.

Amazing, eh?

I read through several articles but could not figure out why the union was digging in their heels and taking such a harsh stance which would ultimately shut down the company and force both unionized and non-unionized workers out of jobs.  I worked in a unionized environment for almost 11 years and say what you will about unions, they are looking out for the best for the employees…

The I found this missing tidbit of information:

Before the company filed for bankruptcy protection, eight top executives got pay raises last year of up to 80%.

In April, some of the executives sided with the CEO and agreed to accept $1 a year in income until the company comes out of bankruptcy or December 31st, presumably with all these reduced pension costs, whichever comes first.  some of the other executives wisely gave up their pay raises altogether.

Boy, the optics here look bad.  Why votes yourselves a raise if the company is heading into bankruptcy?  That looks bad to the employees, it looks bad to the creditors who are getting $0.10 on the dollar and it looks bad publicly.  Then again, the unions need to understand by striking they are not looking out for the 7,500 employees they represent but their actions are impacting 15,000 employees and because there are non-unionized workers does that mean no one looks out for them too?

This is an ugly battle and the outcome will be playing out in the media over time.

Stay tuned.

(P.S. It’s an urban legend that Twinkies have a shelf life of 25 years.  According to experts a Twinkie has a shelf life of 7-10 days.)

Who knew?

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

What I Learned on the Weekend: If you hold your breath long enough you pass out.

I learned something new on the weekend about my youngest child, my daughter Berry.

I learned that when she is upset (or hurt) that she holds her breath until she passes out.

Joy!

But she didn’t just do it once this past weekend, she actually did it twice.

To say she had a rough weekend would be an understatement.

The first time she pulled this stunt she was already 30 minutes past her bed-time and was in the kitchen with me eating cheese strings as a before bed snack.  She was sitting at the little plastic table on the little plastic chair and I had to go to the washroom, so I asked her to stay sitting there, and eat and drink until I returned.  The boys were already upstairs in bed.

Did Berry listen?

If you said “no” out loud I’m giving you a funny look right now, but you would be correct.  She ran down the hall to see me than ran back into the family room, however from the bathroom, I heard a “THUMP” wich could only be the sound of a child smashing into a solid wood coffee table.

Then came the crying.

I screamed, Urban Mummy and the boys came flying down the stairs and with cheese strings in her mouth, Berry was holding her head, giving us the silent cry (I HATE the silent cry) until she passed out.

Worried she would choke on the food we sat her up and before I could smack her back out came the food and she awoke quite groggy.

Concussion?

Who knew.

I do know that it’s an urban legend that you have to wake someone every hour if you think they have a concussion.  That’s only needed for a brain hemmorage.  Pretty sure she didn’t have that.

Needless to say, I went into her room every hour that night to make sure she was still breathing.

The second incident happened when she was with me and she stubbed her foot on a toy.  The silent cry came, and while crying she held her breath and passed out in my arms.

Lovely.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Where the National Hockey League has lost me, and risks losing others…

I’m a huge hockey fan.  I have loved hockey for as long as I can remember.  I played outside with friends from dawn until it was too dark to see, as a youngster and in the parking lot of York University with friends until joining a league and playing the last 22 years there.  I bought jerseys, have tens of thousands of hockey cards, watched triple overtime games and listened to games on the radio when I was too young to stay up and watch it on TV.  Geez, I even taped the entry draft.  I get geared up for the trade deadline and this year watched the draft lottery. 

I think, no I know, this fanaticism ends in my family with me.  The game has changed.  I don’t like where it’s going and the playoffs are highlighting exactly where.  I cannot watch the playoffs.  I cannot stand to see another head shot, scrum after the whistle or hit from behind.  The hockey is great, but the other stuff… I hate that.  I find I’m watching and holding my breath that someone doesn’t get killed during each play.  It’s become the wild west out there and I am not happy about it.

As I said earlier, I have played organized ball-hockey in a league for 22 years.  I’ve played in the lowest possible competative level, tier 4, and I’ve played in a higher competitive tier, tier 3/  I have even played against tier 2 teams.  22 years.  No fights.  No attempts to injure anyone, and very few hard feelings after the game ended and hands were shaken – except for the punk who sucked me with an elbow to my mouth which caused my front two teeth to split my mouth open just below the bottom lip for 8 stitches.  That one hurt and still pisses me off to this day for not cracking him over the head with my stick after I got off the floor covered in blood and realized if I lifted my bottom lip that I could see right through to my bottom teeth.  UGH.

The point… I, unlike many others I have played against and with, at all levels play for the fun of the game.  I play for the exercise, for my teammates and if you think I’m playing for fun you could not be more mistaken.  I hate to lose WAY more than I like to win.  I am uber-competitive and expect everyone to give 100% each shift as I try to do.  I’m a lunchpail kind of player.  I give it my all, work hard and play with respect for the game, my teammates and for others.   

So when I see violence in NHL hockey that goes unpunished I wonder if the NHL is that clueless to see the trickle down effect their actions have on the rest of the hockey playing community.

Finishing your check.  Win at all costs.  Hitting from behind.  Stand up for your teammates… All this bullshit bravado is NHL created.  Before this stuff came up if someone whacked you with a stick you either took it or you whacked them back and paid the price.  When I’ve had wackos on my teams that I ran for 16 of those years I pulled them aside and told them to cut out the crap or find another team.  As a result, I have cut many guys and even some of them have tried to run me when we play against them.  It’s their issue.  not mine.

Now…. 

“It was a hockey play.  I was just trying to finish my hit out there. The last thing I’m going to say his I hope he’s all right.”

That was Phoenix Coyotes player Raffi Torres after he stepped well outside the rules of a NHL game by leaving his feet, at full speed, well after the play to take out one of NHL’s star players, Chicago Black Hawks player Marian Hossa with a shoulder to the head.  The puck was so far away from the play that Hossa couldn’t have been expecting the hit, even with his head carelessly down.

Torres… Not going to ask if he’s okay.

Torres… Sent Hossa to the hospital after leaving the ice on a stretcher with a neck brace on.

Torres… He’s the kind of guy who suckers another player in the mouth and splits open his face and doesn’t make sure he’s okay.

Torres is what is wrong with the NHL.  The message he sent with that comment will ressonate through all leagues to every child who plays the sport.  It’s disgusting to say the least.

What else does the NHL have a problem with?  Aaron Ashem, Terry Carkner, Zenon Kenopka, Andrew Shaw and any other player, Chris Simon or Sean Avery who has so little respect for their opponent that they think it’s okay to pummel them – with little regard for the impact these actions have on the league, the fan base and kids who watch this sport.

Carkner, cold cocked and then beat the tar out of New York Rangers Brian Boyle because Boyle, at 6 foot 7 was picking on 5 foot 10 Erik Karlsson of the Senators – a very skilled rookie who will probably win Rookie of the Year this year.  I loved that a message was snet to Boyle because the NHL sure didn’t tell him to leave the skilled players alone.  The NHL needs players like Carkner to police the game because they have failed so miserably.  His actions were horrifying, but the NHL put him in that position.

If Nashville Predators (how appropriate) defenseman Shea Weber can not be suspended for ramming Detroit’s Henrik Zetterbergs head into the glass like he was in Wrestlemania, what kind of message does that tell the rest of the league?  It tells them it’s game on.  Win at all costs.

If the NHL wanted to get serious about this crap and remove the black eye from the game – both figuratively and literally, they would cut the benches down from 4 lines to 3 lines from now on.  Not only would 3 lines mean the players would be a little more tired but it would mean possibly reducing predatory attacks or staged fighting by removing a 4th line of fringe players whose main goal it is to run guys into the boards, fight and bastardize the beautiful game I came to love as a boy.

I do not like to see the 4th lines of teams on the ice because that means garbage goals, a lot of cycling of the puck and very little finesse and flair which you get with a teams first and second lines.  Do I stand up when there is a fight?  Yes.  Do I slow down on the highway if there is an accident?  No.  But what gets me going and gives me something to talk about are beautiful goals, sweet passes, bullet-like shots from the point and good sportsmanship.  40 years ago players didn’t wear helmets.  60 years ago goalies didn’t wear masks.  No other professional sports leage allows players to fight – let alone staged fighting – and continue to play after.

But the kicker to me is that after coaching ice hockey for 8 years of kids from age 6 up to age 14-15, I have no desire for my two boys to play ice hockey, or even ball-hockey for that matter.  I worry for them.  The game has gotten dangerous and if the NHL doesn’t care to clean up the rules why should any league not named the Ontario Hockey League (OHL) care to do that. My kids get concerned when someone gets hurt.  It bothers them.  They don’t like watching it on TV and they sure as heck don’t want to wear the jersey proudly, or learn the rules.  It’s too violent for them.

I recall coaching a very dirty 8-year-old boy who had one of those fathers who taught the kid to be a giant shit on the ice.  He used to hold, trip, slash and stick anyone who took the puck from him and was very frustrating to coach.  All he wanted to do was get revenge.  Then one game while going for the puck he purposefully ran right over another player and while the boy was on the ground they exchanged words and my player kicked the other player in the shoulder.

Kicked!

The second he got up and came near the bench I reached over the boards and hauled this kid right off the ice by his chest protector and sat him on the end of the bench.  His Dad flew out of the stands like he was going to hit me.  I asked the convenor to immediately suspecd this player from the league and I asked the Dad and the kid if they think kicking is okay as it is NOT allowed by the rules.

“But I got away with it.  I made sure the referee didn’t see” was what the boy said. 

“Too bad I did” was my response.

So for the rest of my houseleague season I played short one boy and we made it to the finals.  It was fun, and I think the kids knew they were expected to play within the rules or they were not welcome on my team.

Now I do want, and expect my daughter to play hockey.  The woman’s game is all about skill, hard work and respect for others and that kind of hockey I really dig.  No macho bullshit.  If someone does something to you in the woman’s game your recourse is to wait until they have the puck and take it from them and score.  I like that.

It’s not too late NHL.  It’s too late if you are the Toronto Maple Leafs – they’ve lost a generation of fans by icing incompetence for 40 years – my boys prefer the Bruins, Penguins, Rangers and Sabres to the Leafs. 

Fix it, and fix it now and fix it properly.

To summarize the actual rules already in place which are being ignored or rules that should be added;

Fighting should come with an automatic game ejection and probably repeat offenders a suspension. 

No more finishing your check – watching guys chasing other guys around the ice after they have passed the puck to hit him looks dumb.  No wonder Americans think the game is a joke.  The guy finishing the check is completely out of the play – so not hockey-related, while the other guy gets his stick up to defend himself.

Drop the 4th line.  Ice 3 lines of the best, most skilled players you can find.

Ban all hitting up against the boards.  In the NHL rulebook that is considered boarding and is a penalty.

Intentional hits to the head – elbows, shoulders, etc. are automatic 10 game suspensions, more if the player that got hit is inured and required to miss games.  

Intent to injure – that’s your season, hello Aaron Asham.  A cross-check to the face was intent.

Bring the skill back to hockey and get rid of this crap.  Then someone can tell Randy Carlyle that the Leafs need to score more, not fight more to be successful..  The Teams’s with the most wins, which usually means the most goals make the playoffs.  Teams are not given points for fighting majors. 

If the player does not have the puck, he cannot be hit.  That according to the rule book is interference.  The 3 second rule is crap.  No puck, no hit.

It’s all just so aggravating and I know I am not the only person thinking this way when I wrote this early Wednesday morning and the FAN’s Bob Mccown was talking about just this on his Prime Time sports show on the afternoon drive and then again this morning, Rick Tocchet was on the Brady and Lang show and talking about it too. 

What is the NHL waiting for.

Make the change already or the league will find itself back behind skeet shooting in popularity in the US.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday Thirteen – 13 Things you needed to know about Passover and Matzo!

I just spent the better part of 2 weeks talking about Matzo, Passover and the dietary restrictions during the holiday and the rest of the time and I realized that a lot of the information I was giving may not be factually correct. 

I figured the best way to be sure would be to read up on the main questions that were asked of me and in doing so realized I could whip the answers into a Thursday Thirteen and have it on file for eternity on this thing we call the Internet. 

This post is for Jew and non-Jew alike…

So sit tight, hide the chomitz, break out that 3rd and 4th set of dishes and let’s get ready to be educated.

13.  Matza, Matzo, Matzah… Which is it? -  It’s whatever you want it to be, actually.  There is not proper translation to English from Hebrew and the Oxford English Dictionary, for example, spells it as matzo, matzah, matso, motsa, motso, maẓẓo, matza, matzho, matzoh, mazzah, motza, and mozza. The plural is any one of; matsot, matsoth, matzot, matzoth, matzoths, mazzot, and mazzoth.  Or, as I tended to refer to it during the 8 days of Passover, “it’s like a giant cracker”.

12.  Is it mandatory to eat Matzo during the 8-days of Passover?  Matzo represents unleavened bread and is  traditionally eaten by Jewish people during the holiday of Passover because bread and other food which is made with leavened grain is forbidden according to Jewish law during the holiday – more on that later.  Matzo is NOT required, during the 8 days however it is eaten as an obligation during the two seders on the 1st and 2nd night of the holiday.  

Growing up, during the first seder, my uncle would eat the matzo required and announce this was the 2nd last piece he would eat all year, and on the 2nd seder he would proclaim that piece to be the last piece he would eat all year.

My wife keeps that tradition alive in our household.  

11.  Where do the references to eat this unleavened bread come from anyways?  Matzo is mentioned in the Torah several times in relation to the Jewish people’s exodus from Egypt where they were slaves:

The commandment to keep Passover is recorded in the Book of Leviticus:

In the first month, on the fourteenth day of the month between the two evenings is the Lord’s Passover. And on the fifteenth day of the same month is the feast of unleavened bread unto the Lord; seven days ye shall eat unleavened bread. In the first day ye shall have a holy convocation; ye shall do no manner of servile work. And ye shall bring an offering made by fire unto the Lord seven days; in the seventh day is a holy convocation; ye shall do no manner of servile work. (Leviticus 23:5)

And they shall eat the meat on that night, roasted over the fire, and matzos, with bitter herbs, shall they eat it.
—Exodus 12:8
In the first month, in the evening of the fourteenth day of the month, you shall eat matzos, until the evening of the twenty-first day of the month.
—Exodus 12:18
You shall eat no leavened bread with it; seven days you shall eat matzos, the bread of affliction; for in haste did you come forth out of the land of Egypt; that you may remember the day when you came forth out of the land of Egypt all the days of your life.
—Deuteronomy 16:3
Six days you shall eat matzos and on the seventh day shall be a solemn assembly to the Lord your God; you shall do no work therein.
—Deuteronomy 16:8
10.  Why matzo you ask – I said I would return to this question?  There are a plethora of explanations behind the symbolism of matzo depending on whether you are speaking with an Orthodox, Conservative or Reform Jew.  So here is my view from the Reform side which I’ve been telling others since I was a wee little Conservative Jew.  Passover, as a commemoration of the exodus from slavery in Egypt, saw the Israelites flee in such a hurry that they could not wait for their bread dough to rise; the desert being hot, baked the bread flat, hence we eat matzo to remind us of unleavened bread.
 
9.  How is matzo made?  What can be eaten and what cannot?  Not surprisingly, the precise detailed religious requirements for matzo are not universally agreed upon as there is an underlying disagreement in the Jewish community around what grains may be used during the holiday and which are considered chomitz (not suitable for Passover).
 
The Torah makes mention of five specific species of grain which become chomitz once they get wet and thus are not able to be consumed during Passover.
 
The actual species are not known with certainty, although they would necessarily have been crops that grew in the middle east in Biblical times.
 
1. Wheat
2. Barley
3. Spelt
4. Rye
5. Oats
 
Some sects of the Jewish community have performed some historic and botanical research and determined that the five grain species native to Israel should more specifically have been;
 
1. Durum Wheat
2. Two-row barley
3. Emmer
4. Einkorn wheat – or Shiphon
5. 6-row barley – or Shibbolet.
 
The process: Matzo dough is quickly mixed and rolled out quickly without allowing time for it to sit and allow for the yeast to rise.  In addition, the matzo is pricked with a fork (or similar tool) to keep the finished product from puffing up, and the resulting flat piece of dough is cooked at high heat until it develops dark spots, then set aside to cool and, if sufficiently thin, to harden to crispness. Dough made from the five grains is considered to begin the leavening process 18 minutes from the time it gets wet; sooner if eggs, fruit juice, or milk is added to the dough. The entire process of making matzo takes only a few minutes.

8.  Is Matzo fattening?  Matzo contains around 111 calories per 1-ounce/28g serving according to the USDA Nutrient Database),

7.  Do you have to eat Matzo dry as you just said getting it wet makes it chomitz?  Matzo does not have to be eaten dry, and it has several roles during the holiday.  As a substitute for flour or pasta it is found in matzo balls, cakes, cookies, fried, as noodles, in matzo bagels, cereals… The list grows by the year. 

6.  Matzos and Christianity:

According to Western Christian belief, matzo was the bread used by Jesus during in the Last Supper as there he was celebrating Passover.  Communion wafers used by Roman Catholics and some Protestants sects are flat for that reason.

5.   In a little more depth now, what is Passover – It is a Jewish holiday commemorating the story of the Exodus of the Israelites from slavery in Egypt.  Passover begins on the 15th day of the month of Nisan in the Jewish (lunar) calendar, which is in spring in the Northern Hemisphere, and is celebrated for seven or eight days. It is one of the most widely observed Jewish holidays.

The story of the Exodus from the Bible tells that G-d helped the Children of Israel escape slavery in Egypt by inflicting ten plague upon the Egyptians before the Pharaoh would release his Israelite slaves; the tenth and worst of the plagues was the death of the Egyptian first-born sons. The Israelites were instructed to mark the doorposts of their homes with the blood of a spring lamb and, upon seeing this, the spirit of G-d knew to pass over the first-born in these homes, hence the name of the holiday.  It is said that the Israelites left in such a hurry that they could not wait for bread dough to rise (leaven). In commemoration, for the duration of Passover no leavened bread is eaten, for which reason it is also referred to as ”The Festival of the Unleavened Bread”.

4.   So what is this “Chometz”?  Chometz is somthing made from one of five types of grains mentioned above, which has been combined with water and left to stand raw for longer than eighteen minutes. During Passover, eating, keeping and even owning chomitz is forbidden. 

Note: Baking soda and baking powder are NOT considered chomitz as they act as leavening agents by chemical reaction, not by biological fermentation.

The Torah commandments regarding chometz are:

  • To remove all chametz from one’s home, including things made with chametz, before the first day of Passover. (Exodus 12:15). It may be simply used up, thrown out (historically, destroyed by burning), or given or sold to non-Jews (or non-Samaritans, as the case may be).
  • To refrain from eating chametz or mixtures containing chametz during Passover. (Exodus 13:3, Exodus 12:20, Deuteronomy 16:3).
  • Not to possess chametz in one’s domain (i.e. home, office, car, etc.) during Passover (Exodus 12:19, Deuteronomy 16:4).

Some Jews use Passover as a spring cleaning and spend weeks before the holiday removing every crumb of chometz from their home.  As in our home, generally any item or implement that has handled chometz is put away and not used during the holiday.

3.  You do what to your dishes?  As a result of the rules to not consume chomitz, families own a 3rd and 4th complete set of serving dishes, glassware and silverware for use only during Passover. The 1st and 2nd sets of dishes represent dishes for dairy and dishes for meat but that is a whole different Thursday 13. 

There are some leeway in the rules, for example; Some chomitz utensils can be immersed in boiling water to purge them of any traces of chomitz that may have accumulated during the year while some families wash their year-round glassware and then use it for Passover under the presumption that glass does not absorb enough traces of food to present a problem.

2.  Tell me – briefly about the seder (also known in Christianity as the Last Supper).:

It is traditional for Jewish families to gather on the first two nights of Passover for a special dinner called a seder - derived from the Hebrew word for “order”, referring to the very specific order of the ritual.  The table is set with the finest china and silverware to reflect the importance of the meal. During this meal, the story of the Exodus from Egypt is retold using a special book called a Haggadah  The Haggadah divides the night’s procedure into 15 parts:

  1. Kadeish קדש – recital of blessing over, and drinking of, the first cup of wine
  2. Urchatzורחץ – the washing of the hands 
  3. Karpas כרפס – dipping of the Karpas in salt water
  4. Yachatz יחץ – breaking the middle matzo; the larger piece becomes the afikoman which is hidden by the leader of the household, found by the children for reward, then eaten.
  5. Maggid מגיד – retelling the Passover story, including the recital of “the four questions” and drinking of the second cup of wine
  6. Rachtzahרחצה – second washing of the hands
  7. Motzi מוציא – traditional blessing before eating bread products
  8. Matzo מצה – blessing before eating matzo
  9. Maror מרור – eating of the maror (a piece of horseradish)
  10. Koreichכורך – eating of a sandwich made of matzo and shredded or sliced maror
  11. Shulchan oreichשולחן עורך – the serving of the holiday meal
  12. Tzafun צפון – eating of the afikoman
  13. Bareichברך – blessing after the meal and drinking of the third cup of wine
  14. Hallelהלל – recital of the Hallel, traditionally recited on festivals; drinking of the fourth cup of wine
  15. Nirtzah נירצה – conclusion

The seder is replete with questions, answers, and unusual practices to arouse the interest and curiosity of the children at the table. The children are also rewarded with nuts and candies when they ask questions and participate in the discussion of the Exodus and its aftermath. Likewise, they are encouraged to search for the “afikoman” which is the piece of matzo which is the last thing eaten at the seder. Audience participation and interaction is the rule, so some seders last long into the night with animated discussions and much singing while others like our get finished quickly so we can eat and take the kids home to bed. 

1.  So aside from matzo, what do you guys typically eat during the 8 days of Passover?

Because the house is free of chometz for eight days, the Jewish household typically eats different foods during the week of Passover. Mostly meals centre around meat and eggs.  But there are other more traditional foods we eat and these include:

  • Matzo Brei – My favourite!  I take 2 matzo’s, 2 eggs and some water to soften.  Mix it around and fry it in a frying pan.  I top with jam and I’m good to go. 
  • Matzo cereal – Matzo meal boiled in water and often served with milk and butter
  • Matzo Kugel – A kugel made with matzo instead of noodles
  • Gefilte Fish - Poached fish patties or fish balls made from a mixture of ground deboned fish, mostly carp, pike and whitefish.  Either sweet or salt and pepper variety.
  • Chicken soup with a lot of Matzo Balls - Dense or fluffy ball-like matzo dumplings
  • Rice - customarily with saffron – Only eaten by Sephardic Jews.  Ashkenazi and Hasidic Jews do not consider rice kosher for Passover as a matter of interpretation.  Rice is not chomitz, but there is a concern that in storage, rice may have been contaminated with even one kernel of wheat or other grains. Those who eat rice inspect it carefully prior to cooking.  Crazy, eh?

Hope you learned something new.  If you have any further questions, post a comment and I can address it, or if you have a handy fact, or tip, I’d love to hear it.

America’s Oldest Teenager, Dick Clark, has died. Some things you may not have known…

Richard Wagstaff “Dick” Clark was 82 years old when he died today of a massive heart attack.  Depending on your age, you will have different memories of him.  If you are under 40-years-old you will know Dick from ABC’s Dick Clark New Years’ Rockin’ Eve party in New York City’s Times Square.  If you are older you will know Dick Clark as the host of American Bandstand, a dance show which brought Rock and Roll to mainstream America.  In the show, clean-cut teens danced to the latest and greatest tunes while Clark walked around and spoke to them and asked them about the music.

What you may not have known about Clark are some of these facts:

  • The Museum of Broadcast Communications figures that Dick Clark Productions has turned out more than 7,500 hours of television programming, including more than 30 TV series, 250 TV specials, and more than 20 movies for theatre and TV.
  • Clark has won: Emmys, Grammys, been induction in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, and he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
  • In March 2012, Clark and his 3rd wife whom he married in 1977 put one of their homes on the market, asking $3.5 million.  The house was an one-of-a-kind house on 22 acres in Malibu, modeled after Fred and Wilma’s house on “The Flintstones.”  It was recently featured as being one of real estate’s most unique houses
  • Clark would sign off his shows by saying “For now, Dick Clark…so long,” which he delivered with a military salute.
  • Clark suffered a significant stroke in 2004 which required Clark to teach himself how to walk and talk again, yet he returned to his New Year’s Rockin’ Eve show in 2005.  Regis Philbin took over the show for him in 2004.
  • American Bandstand was credited with introducing many artists to national audiences, including Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly and Chubby Checker.
  • Shortly after taking over American Bandstand, Clark also ended the show’s all-white policy, and introduced numerous black artists, such as Chuck Berry
  • Clark did not include the Beatles or the Rolling Stones on his show when they came to America, thinking they would not become significant groups
  • Clark later became host of The $10,000 Pyramid, which premiered on CBS March 26, 1973 (the same day as The Young and the Restless). The show continued through 1988.
  • From 1985 to 1988, Clark hosted both the CBS $25,000 version and a daily $100,000 Pyramid in syndication with the daytime version winning nine Emmy Awards for best game show.  It also won Clark three Emmy Awards for best game show host.
  • In 1973, Clark created the American Music Awards show – which he produces annually.
  • In 1984, Clark produced and co-hosted with Ed McMahon TV’s Bloopers and practical Jokes.
  • Amazing statistic: For a period of several years in the 1980s, Clark simultaneously hosted regular programs on the 3 major American television networks: ABC (Bandstand), CBS (Pyramid) and NBC (Bloopers).
  • In July 1985, Clark hosted the ABC prime time portion of the Live Aid concert.
  • Clark did a brief stint as announcer on The Jon Stewart Show, in 1995
  • From 2001 to 2003, Clark was a co-host of a daily mens talk show called The Other Half, meant to offer a male perspective to the wildly success show The View.
  • Clark was featured in the 2002 documentary film Bowling for Columbine in which Michael Moore criticized him for hiring poor, unwed mothers to work long hours in his chain of restaurants for little pay. The significance is that the mother in particular works over 80 hours per week and is unable to make rent and gets evicted which results in her having her son stay at his uncle’s house. At his uncle’s house the boy finds a gun and brings it to school where he shoots another first grader. Clark refuses to answer any of Moore’s questions, shutting the car door and driving away.
  • On November 13, 2002 Clark was appointed as a director of Krispy Kreme U.K. Ltd.
  • In The Simpsons 1999  Y2K  episode “Treehouse of Horror X,” at midnight a computer glitch causes Dick Clark to melt and he is revealed to be a robot.

What is your fondest memory of Dick Clark?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

As a Father, if you’re going to disappoint some of them, you might as well disappoint all of them…

I wanted to post this last week when it happened but did not get a chance but since that night this scenario has come up over and over again, just not to the same extent.

The night it first happened, was a special night in the Urban Daddy household.  Determined to get back into some semblance of an exercise routine, I made up my mind early in the day that I would run on the treadmill that evening, by hook or by crook.

Since I’m still within my 3 month window of a new job with much greater responsibility, and the stress / excitement of meeting new people, learning new systems, figuring out acronyms and being on my toes all the time, I have found myself quite exhausted by about 10pm, which means that is around the time I tend to fall asleep on the couch when trying to; watch TV, read, blog, play Cityville, or… exercise.  Very unusual for me as I’m used to 1-2am sleeps with 6am wake-ups.

This night was exercise night and the beginning of a new schedule for me.

New Routine – Thursday night.:

Eat dinner with the kids (not unusual at all)

Stewie piano lessons

Give Berry a bath

Linus annoy mummy during math lesson

Then switch…

Linus piano.

Berry and Stewie before bed snack.

All kids in bed by 8:15 and I’m going to treadmill for 1/2 hour before I have a shower, then run out to grab milk.  I really want to begin getting to bed at a reasonable hour – it is currently 12:33am so that is not happening.

Then it all fell apart.

Urban Mummy wanted to talk to me.  We didn’t talk much the previous night and she barely saw me today and she wanted to chat but I patted my flabs and said, “Sorry hun!  I have to treadmill”.  She was disappointed.

I went to check on the kids and here is what happened;

Walked into Stewie’s room, and surprisingly he was still awake.

“Stay with me, Daddy”, he said.

“Sorry kiddo.  I have to treadmill right now so I can shower, get milk and talk to your mother before she falls asleep or kills me”.

He was disappointed.

I went from there to Linus’ room where he was sitting up in his bed too.

“Lay with me, Daddy and tell me a story, please”.

“Can’t buddy.  Have to go treadmill before mummy goes to sleep.

He gave me his pouty disappointed face.

Out I marched and right into Berry’s room where surprisingly she was up too.

“Rub my back and stay with me Daddy”, she said.

“Sorry, sweetie, I have to treadmill.  Sing for me and I will tuck you in when I’m done.”

She was not happy either because she didn’t sing for me and she usually does.  “Bla Bla Blacksheet”

Out I walked.

4 people wanted me to stay with them and 4 people got nothing.

Like I said in the title.  Go big or go home.  If you’re going to disappoint someone you might as well disappoint all of them.

Dads…  You turn.  What would you have done?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are you hungrier than a 5-year-old?

Are you hungrier than a 5-year-old?

I doubt you are hungrier than my 5-year-old!

Let me preface this by saying when we moved 2 years ago into our new house the first thing we did was re-do part of the kitchen to allow for a much bigger fridge for Stewie.  The fridge that came with the house was not going to be enough for the 6 of us (Me, Urban Mummy, Linus, Stewie, Berry and our Nanny – let’s call her “Gamay”), but we were most concerned about Stewie!  This boy can eat and he’s only 5.  He’ll eat us out of house and home by the time he is 13-years-old.

For example, in the car on our way up to T&T grocery in the Promenade Mall in lovely Thornhill, Ontario on the weekend Ms. Urban Daddy was engaging the children, asking them what they wanted to be when they grew up when Stewie bubbled up and asked if there were going to be “samples” at T&T?  His mind is almost always on food.

As an aside, if you have never been to a T&T grocery store, you must go there!  There is a location in the Promenade Mall in Thornhill. and one on Cherry beach in downtown Toronto.  T&T is owned by Loblaws and they carry Asian foods.  Our children love T&T because of the samples they give out during the day and for the fresh dim sum and sushi they make which we pretty much always buy and eat for lunch or afternoon snack.

When the kids hear T&T they know they’re going to eat while we shop and since the samples are of things we hope our kids will want to eat, like tofu, fish balls, dumplings, and many other unique items we would never think to include in our very healthy diet.

Instead of buying a product, like fish balls, for example and experimenting at home, the kids can give thumbs up and thumbs down to them on the spot and if they like it and will eat it, we can buy it.  It makes a lot of sense and is a great way to expand any child’s food options.

The sample stations at T&T are usually manned and the kids know to ask nicely and in return they are given one sample to try unless there are different flavours and they want to try them too.  I won’t let them try coffee, or sweets or anything we will not purchase – like pork products – but we have tried some pretty crazy samples over the years.

The one sample per station rule works for everyone except Stewie – who already at 5 eats more in a meal that his 5 foot 11, 230 pound father (me).  At the store he tries pretty much everything and if he likes it – and if the food station is unmanned, he’ll eat and eat and eat until someone catches him.  He always uses a new toothpick, he’s a bit of a clean freak that way, and he’s not a pig eating everything he just casually takes another, then another with a giant smile on his face.  Free food!

That penchant for eating reminded me of our last cruise.

The last cruise we went on, when the off shore excursion was to the cruise lines private island, we got up, ate a huge breakfast, then hopped on the tender to the island.  By 9am we were baking in the hot sun, playing in the sand with the shells and laying on a raft.letting the tide take us away, when out of nowhere, Stewie started to get VERY agitated.

It was not just past 10:30am and the anger turned to frustration, which turned to tears.

We brought him back to the beach chair and spoke with him about what was bothering him.  The sun?  The heat?  The sand?

It was none of those.

He was hungry.

Fortunately, the cruise ship was setting up a lunch buffet on the island and were almost done getting it ready, so Ms. Urban Mummy walked over and came back with some fruit, some veggies and some water.

But Stewie did not want any of that…

So all of us walked over to the buffet and immediately, Stewie saw what he wanted.

“I want a burger!” he proclaimed.

“At 10:30am?” I questioned.

“Yes!  I want a burger!!!” he said, with his voice borderline agitated, frustrated and again close to tears.

“Okay” we said and by 10:45am after a huge breakfast 2 hours earlier, Stewie was eating a burger.  We could see his demeanor changing as he was eating it.  There were some blood sugar levels dipping here.  But good little Stewie was not done with his first burger… He needed a second one, which he ate quite happily if my memory serves me correctly.  He was still 4-years-old at this time, too.

Then after being burned to a crisp, we headed back to the ship for nap time for Stewie and Berry at which point, Stewie started to put up a stink as he was, “hungry”.

So I took him upstairs to the buffet and we sat at he ate yet more food.

Man can that kid pack away the food.

I should have seen this coming.  This is the same kid who at about 1 1/2 years old was sitting in his high chair at a family resort just north of Toronto eating a meal – soup I believe – and very slowly, when the waitress came and took away the inch left in his bowl.  He did NOT like this and spent the rest of the week with his head on a swivel and every time a waitress walked near the table – ours or others – and he would wag his pointer finger and say, “Never , ever, ever take Stewie’s food away”.

Possessive a little?

His behaviour there came to light in his little sister last week when we at dinner at Safari on Avenue Road in Toronto, when 2-year-old Berry needed to go pee.  She looked back at the table and said, “don’t touch my food”, “don’t let anyone take my food”, “I’m still eating”. and she kept mumbling “I’m still eating” over and over again as she walked to the bathroom.  When she returned and her food was still there, she smiled and with a look of relief on her face, she said, “Oh!  My food is still here.  I came back, and my food is still here!”.

But back to Stewie… There was the time we went to St. Thomas, Ontario to see and take a ride on Thomas the Tank Engine and Stewie was probably 3-years-old.  After a full day of fun we went out for dinner to – of course – the Mandarin Restaurant.  After eating a pretty large meal, matching me plate for plate, I went to get a soup to wind down my meal and with that soup I grabbed 2 teriyaki shrimp to eat.

Stewie finishing his second bowl of soup too, turned to me nd said, “I want shrimp!”.

How did he know what shrimp were?

Okay, so I went back to the buffet and brought him back 2 peeled shrimp.  He stuffed them in his mouth so fast, Urban Mummy couldn’t take a picture of him eating them.

He finished and asked for more.

After bringing him another 10 shrimps, we were laughing as were the elderly couple sitting beside us watching how much food this boy has packed away.  Figuring he should stop before he explodes, I brought him teriyaki shrimp instead but he loved those too.

So fast forward now, and we’re all finished eating, when Stewie after finishing his 32nd shrimp declares that he is full.

We gasp, and pack up the family feeling sorry for the Mandarin who made money on the few noodles that Linus ate but lost a ton of the massive amounts of food that my skinny 3-year-old just hoovered back.

That trait remains to this day.

Just last week Urban Mummy made mini-pizza’s for the family.  5 small ones for Linus and Berry to split, 3 for her, 3 for me and 3 for Stewie.  She ate 1 and a half. I managed to eat 2 – but probably should have stopped at 1 and a half as well, while Stewie ate all three and needed a snack before bed.

And yes, we have had him tested for worms.

He’s fine.

He’s hungry.

He’s a growing boy!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday Thirteen – Men’s Washroom Edition

Urinal

Urinal (Photo credit: Ron Knox 2001)

Today’s Thursday Thirteen is an instant classic that you will want to re-post and share with your friends and family as it covers 13 types of men found in a men’s washroom which I have observed over my 20 plus years of office life.

So gather your friends and family members, lock away the children and be prepared to laugh so hard you’ll pee you pants.

Here we go!

13. The Talker – The talker is the kind of guy you come across in a men’s washroom who has started a conversation on his way to the washroom and continues it while walking into the washroom, even if he goes into a stall – which ladies, is big issue for men.  The talker will continue the conversation while he does his business and actually expects you to stick around and partake and not be wierded out by what is happening.  Ladies, let me tell you, in a men’s washroom if the stall is occupied, men get the hell out as quick as possible before they hear or smell anything.  Talking from beyond the stall… So not cool.

12. The Peeker - Gentlemen, you know these types of guys.  They’re a little odd, or a little curious and you know if there is an opportunity to sneak a peek, they’ll be the ones that do it.  Sometimes even though they know it’s wrong, they’ll throw a look while you’re talking to them or looking at them.  They can’t help themselves.  It’s competition to see what they’ve got and what you’ve got.  The peeker will never comment but it is very awkward and from that point on, the peeker pees alone!

11. The Grunter - Ahhh, the grunter… This is the guy who holds in his stuff for so long that by the time he gets to a stall he REALLY has to go and you know it.  There is grunting, moaning and the odd, “Oh yeah” with pauses for appropriate sound effects.  The grunter gets so caught up into his own bathroom experience that he forgets there are dudes on the other side of the stall cringing.

10.  The Clean Freak – These are the guys who immediately wash their hands upon approval to the washroom, but before they take a seat inside a stall, they takes soap and water and wash it down first.  Heaven forbid that some other guy’s stuff touched the toilet.  Putting toilet paper down, or a thin toilet seat cover, these guys need the bowl to sparkle and be “germ” free.  These are the driven folks who succeed in organizations so they can have a washroom all to themselves.

9.  The Flusher - Someone told me once that if you flush your poo right away you flush the smell too.  Well studies have since shown that to not be true, yet there are some guys who still think it’s legit so they get into a stall and within the length of time it takes another guy to pee, the flusher has flushed the toilet 4 times.  On the bright side, the splashing from the toilet water must be really cleaning their bottom… UGH.

8.  The Blaster – This is the guy who holds his pee so long that the second he gets up to the stall his stream is so powerful like he’s trying to shoot a whole through the ceramic bowl.  Sadly this guy also likes to hit the pine smelling soap at the bottom of the urinal resulting in him getting sprayed in the mid-section from his pee.  He leaves the washroom covered in pee residue… Yucky.  You can recognize him because as soon as he leaves the washroom, his mid-section glows from the urine.  The back of his hand is also usually soaked but when he washes his hands, he’ll wash the inside and rarely the back.

7.  The Misser - This is the guy who gets into the washroom and doesn’t want to make any noise when peeing, or is playing with his stream trying to make the least splash and in process usually hits the porcelain edge and winds up peeing on the floor, hence the giant puddles guys have come known to look out for when approaching a urinal.  Then the next guy comes in, sees the puddle and does his stuff from a foot back from the urinal which means he too adds to the pool of pee on the floor and so it goes until guys give up on that urinal and go to the next one.

6.  The Unbuckler – This guy makes me laugh.  I worked with a guy who used to unbuckle his pants to pee, and he would drop his drawers to his mid-thigh, pull down his underwear exposing his ass cheeks and stand at the urinal with his arm leaning on the wall, legs spread to the max, and he would pee like that while looking around and trying to talk to other guys.  It’s a urinal, not a social club and who the hell wants to see his ass anyways.  It got to the point that when he was going to the washroom, no one else would go near it for 5 minutes for fear of meeting ass-man face to butt cheeks..

5.  The No Handser  – These are the guys – and we all have seen them, who think they can accurately pee in the urinal, not on the floor, not on themselves without touching their stuff at all.  They also think – like my 7-year-old son does, that if they don’t touch it they don’t need to wash their hands.  Well no hands is not cool, and you still have to wash your hands so grab a hold and get it over with.

4.  The Wiggler - The wiggler guy is the guy who finishes peeing and before he steps away he takes his stuff and frantically wiggles it all around, smacking it on the side of the urinal in efforts to get all the pee out.  The problem with the frantic wiggle is that there is no way to control where that left over pee goes so while some may drop into the urinal, the rest sprays all over the place.

3.  The Newspaper Bringer – Ahhh, the newspaper bringer.  This describes the guy who is heading for the washroom and intends on being there a while so he picks up a newspaper from someone’s desk along the way, tucks it under his arm, and proceeds to set up camp inside a stall.  What makes this guy so clueless is when he returns from his 20 minutes of quiet time and proceeds to drop that newspaper back on the desk of the person he borrowed it from with a cheerful “thank you”.  He doesn’t understand that the person he borrowed the paper from does not wish to have back the paper after he’s read it who doing his business and before he washed his hands…  Just the thought makes me shudder.

2.  The I’m Aloner - The I’m alone guy is the guy who is clearly uncomfortable in a public washroom with other men around.  Someone must have commented on the size of his stuff when he was younger because he stresses out in the washroom resulting in him walking in, ignoring everyone, doing his stuff, washing up efficiently and getting the hell out as quickly as possible.  This type of guy possibly holds his breath the entire time in case there is a foul odor in the bathroom.  It’s best to just get out of their way and let them go.

1.  The Held it Too Longer – This guy makes me laugh because he holds his stuff for as long as he possibly can and you know as he’s racing to the bathroom he’s already imaging the relief of doing his business that he is already unzipping or unbuckling even before he gets inside the washroom.

This kind of guy is in his own world because he doesn’t want to be the guy who filled his drawers so if he enters the washroom and there is no toilet or urinal available he actually looks at the sink as a viable option while trying to determine if he waits or heads to another floor.

Don’t try talking to this guy, he’ll bite your head off and he’s probably now having a conversation with himself as his kidneys begin to ache.  He won’t even buckle up as he flees the washroom in search of another and when he finally does get in there could be a dead body on the floor he won’t notice, he’s too busy saying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” as he goes on with his business.

Unfortunately he is traumatized and needs some considerable time to replay the encounter in his head and I’m positive he thanking his lucky stars that as he came into the washroom, already undone and ready to go that he did not run into Mr. Ass Cheeks.

Honorable mention to the take no prisoners guy who comes in, does his stuff and leaves a disaster in his wake – toilet paper everywhere, paper towels and soap everywhere else and body fluids in places it should not be in an office environment.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,054 other followers

%d bloggers like this: